Moped, Boat, Bus, Cargo Ship, Jeepney, Speed Boat, Tricycle, Bus

After leaving Boracay, I wasn't 100% sure on where I was going.   My first step was to take a boat from Boracay to Caticlan and then find a bus going south to Iloilo.  All in all this portion took seven hours.  When I arrived in Iloilo, I had to get a tricycle (moped with a sidecar) to the port, which took another 30 minutes.  Luckily I was able to get the pier an hour and a half before the overnight boat left to Cebu (otherwise I would have had to take a combination of slow boats/buses over the course of 2 days). It was $2 extra to stay in the more comfortable tourist section for the 13 hour journey, but I'm too cheap for that and took the economy seat with the locals.  Do I look like I'm made of money?  After getting to Cebu, I spontaneously decided to go to an even further island, Bohol.

With the help of the awesome, super friendly locals, I was able to take a Jeepney (Basically an extended pickup truck with seats in the bed; They were left behind by the American Army and now serve as public transportation vehicles all over the Philippines...They are everywhere!) from Pier 5 to Pier 1 and catch a boat to Tagbilaran, the capital of Bohol.  I paid $5 extra for the speed boat, because it was already 11 and if I took the slow boat, I wouldn't get there until 5 and I didn't want to lose the entire day.  I had no idea where I was going to stay in Bohol, so I pulled up the Lonely Planet on my phone and found out there's a place called Nuts Huts in the middle of the jungle.  So after the two hour speed boat landed, I took a tricycle to the mall and caught a bus going north to a town called Carmen.  

It's all squalls and tempests on the path to chaos

This is how a professional travels...A professional backpacker that is

Far away, this ship is taking me far away.  Far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die.  The starlight, I will be chasing the starlight...

The Lonely Planet's explanation on how to get to Nuts Huts was simply to get on a bus heading north to Carmen, find the sign that says Nuts Huts and get off there.  The author didn't feel the need to state how far away it would be (1 hour), so I just sat there wondering, "Where the F am I?".  I wasn't feeling too confident about finding this sign, but the locals saw my lost puppy look and provided me with enough succor to get me there.  The bus was so packed that they just tossed my bags out of the window.  No one in the jammed aisle in front of me moved, so I figured I was supposed to follow suit, but as I started to make the akward climb they yelled at me and when I looked back, they were just like you don't need to climb out of the window you dumbass, there's a door two rows behind you.  In my defense, since when do buses have two sets of side doors that you can enter/exit from? Besides, I wanted to put my glutes on display as I exited the window.  I've spent a lot of time in the gym sculpting these buns, nearly everyone knows I only workout the glamour muscles (the ones that are visible in normal atire). And finally, even though I occasionally (pretty regularly) embarrass myself, I also realize that my life is infinitely more exciting due to my awkwardness.

After I got my sweet ass off that bus, I walked along the woodland path for about 20 minutes, ending up at a staircase containing about 100 steps, which brought me to the reception.  Past that were another 100 steps to the rooms.  Luckily they had an open bed, because if they didn't I was just going to pull out my sleeping bag and carry it into the woods, because my trip had just hit 30 hours and I was in the middle of nowhere.

Strangely enough, I was so excited to be settled that I decided to go do something.  Ergo, I walked back to the main road to catch another bus heading north to Carmen, so I could scope the Chocolate Hills, which is the most famous attraction in Bohol.  I was actually pretty impressed with myself, standing on the side of the road flagging down buses/jeepneys to get places like a local; Doing everything on the fly with no planning.  I really am a professional backpacker!  The buses were incredibly cheap, it was only 30 pesos (67 cents) for the hour ride to the Chocolate Hills.

The foggy silhouette...I love it

Science says the Chocolate Hills are the result of mineral erosion.  Local legend says they were formed by a giant's teardrops.  I think you know which version I believe...Giants! There were giant lizards, there were giant mammoths.  Are you telling me there weren't giant humans or giant ape-like creatures.  For all we know these hills were formed by the tears of a sasquatch.  I mean why was this sasquatch even crying in the first place? That's what I want to know.  Hmm what I was doing again, oh yeah writing a blog...We'll come back to this later

When she got stuck up there, it was catastrophic.  Her whining was really clawing at my sanity.  So I put my life on paws, and tried to whisk her down... When she still wouldn't jump I was like you must be kitten!  Alright, I'm done with this aristicatic tail meow...Even though it left you feeling pawsitively ecscatic... Am I right? Am I right?

The following day I tried to make a trip to see the tarsier, which is the second smallest primate in the world.  However, the Philippines are a heavily Christian nation and it was Holy Week (the week leading up to Easter), so everything was shut down on Holy Thursday and Good Friday.  Since I had two days to kill where I couldn't do anything or go anywhere, I worked out, read, watched movies, and made time lapses.  There was no wifi in the jungle, so I basked in the glory of nothingness.

Nuts Huts and the other stretches of Bohol I saw were what I thought the Philippines would be like, full of nature and adventure. The food was also glorious, there's no better breakfast to me than fresh mixed fruit with meusli and yogurt.  Perhaps the nicest thing was being able to eat healthy.  95% of food you order in the Philippines contains meat.  A typical breakfast here is rice with fried beef.  I tried to order mac and cheese at one point... It came with three kinds of meat.  I once ordered a vegetarian curry and was informed I couldn't order that, I could only order pork or chicken.  In other words my "every other day vegetarian" diet has turned into "I eat meat 3 times a day in the Philippines".

Sometimes a bro drinks a little too much and pees on a tree.  And sometimes that tree is a public playground and said bro gets arrested for indecent exposure and then has to introduce himself to everyone living within 400 meters of his apartment to inform them he's a sex offender...

Sometimes people refer to me as the GOAT...The Greatest Of All Time

Chopin - Nocturne in E Flat, Opus Nine, No. Two

I figured Saturday was my best chance to get back to Cebu, so I took a Jeepney to Tagbilaran for a mere 25 pesos and then took the slow boat back to Cebu to save myself the $5 from the speedboat.  When I arrived that evening I headed to a place called Sugbutel Family Hotel, that has a 136 bed dorm room, similar to what you find on the boats, except they are sectioned into either 8, 16, or 32 bed partitions.  My first night was in the 32 bed section.  The receptionist informed the only place to eat was the mall and I had to take a cab if I didn't want to get mugged, so I paid the dollar fare and ate some disgustingly unhealthy mall food.  The mall did house a grocery store though, so I stocked up on fruit, peanut butter, and bread so I could at least make my own breakfasts.  Peanut butter and banana sandwiches with an apple... delish.

There wasn't much to do in Cebu, especially during Holy Week, short of checking out it's oldest street and it's oldest fort, so I wasn't really able to accomplish much there.  My Italian friend Peppe had told me of a few waterfalls I could see and a place to snorkel, but I figured I'd save the cash since traveling between cities has been so expensive and I'd be doing both activities within the next few weeks anyways.  In other words, I was a waste of life in Cebu; I spent hours walking around town and my life revolved around eating my meals at the mall.  It was nice to live cheaply for a few days though.  Plus I got to watch the new Captain America movie for $4 in a nearly empty theater.  I love getting to nerd out!!!

Just a photo to show you how massive these liners are

When I took this photo I was wearing a t-shirt that said "Forecast: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" followed by an arrow pointing down....I wasn't wearing any pants

Filipino Graffiti aka Anime...If they created one of me it would be referred to as AnimeSean

One of the downfalls of giant hostel rooms is that you have to deal with people coughing (spreading germs) and snoring throughout the night.  When I woke up at 2 in the morning due to said snoring, here are the thoughts that filled my mind:

• What the hell is happening right now?  It sounds like a goat is getting slaughtered or Darth Vader is having an asthma attack.
• Get a private room, you selfish fucking prick.  No one wants to listen to you snore.
• Every time I hear you take a breath, I hope it's your last.
• I hope your heart explodes.
• If there was an option to play Russian roulette for a private room, I would squeeze the trigger and be happy with either outcome.

At 4 AM I couldn't take it any longer and retreated to the lobby.  Eventually I went back to the room and was able to catch a few hours of sleep.  Upon arising I pre-booked a hotel for Macau, because they have a ban on hostels/guesthouses/anything cheap.  The internet claimed the cheapest room you could get upon arrival was $190, but by prebooking I was able to get one for $140 after taxes.  A day in Macau is probably going to cost me more than a week in Cambodia, but I figured why not spend a night there, you only live once.  Besides I live by two rules "Respect for Women" and "Fuck it, I'm Rich". (I'm not actually rich... Unless you're an attractive lady, in which case you should know I'm the sole heir to Lowe's, the largest home improvement retailer in the world.)  I was also finally able to get a ticket out of Cebu, so I made my way back to Iloilo.

Tobias: Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea... (Arrested Development Reference, Drink!!!!)

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?  Well I'm here with you....

Cebu City Lights

I had to go back to Iloilo in order to catch a boat to Palawan, so I planned to be there for a night.  However, when I went to get my boat ticket, I was informed that the boat no longer ran on Thursdays and I would have to wait until Saturday before I could leave.  Thus I ended up having to stay in a town that literally has nothing to do for three days.  The other kickers? The boat that used to leave on Thursdays covered two nights on the boat and was $7 cheaper.  My new boat left early in the morning, so it only covered one night's accommodation.  So all in all, not only did I lose two days being stuck in a boring town, but I also lost a free nights accommodation and had to pay an extra $7 in the process.  It also meant 2 less days in Palawan, which meant I no longer had enough time to get my scuba diving certification.  

While we're piling on the pain.  The new bag I purchased in Vietnam started falling apart at the seams, a personification of it's owner.  It's currently held together by an elaborate series of knots, some dental floss, and a strategically placed piece of Velcro.  Someday I will learn the lesson to not be a cheap ass and buy genuine name brand goods...  The universe does seem to like making me suffer.  I hope everyone else is entertained by my misfortune, cus for me....it's a bitch

Best. Name. Ever.

Get me out of these cities!!!!!

I guess you could call this a fountain of...youth.  But seriously, why is this fountain full of naked children?  It's in the middle of a city... I mean for all they know there could be a registered sex offender less than 400 meters away

Since I had so much free time in Iloilo before my boat left, I purchased the first two Harry Hole novels, The Bat and Cockroaches.  I read The Bat in two days, so effing good!!! After 8.5 months of travel, it's nice to have a day where you can sit in a coffee shop, read a book and relax. Besides, bookworms = badasses.  I don't like to boast, but I can read nearly 20 pages per hour.  I may have also been so bored that I dyed my hair black...

The path to El Nido included a thirty hour boat and an eight hour bus.  It would be my second multi-day journey in as many weeks, but that's a story for another blog. 

Random GoPros

If you miss this sign you are so screwed!  You have to spot it and yell for the bus to pull over so you can jump off

The infamous Nuts Huts staircase

Snow Patrol - Chocolate

I understand the first three, but how else am I supposed to get rid of all these dead bodies?

Jeepney rides...One of the many reasons it's more fun in the Philippines!!!!!!

I'm a giant in the Philippines, I'm always too big for public transportation.  On the one hand I understand how it could suck to be tall, but on the other hand I feel like a god towering over all the puny humans.  Bahahaha evil world domination smiley

I was born by the river in a little tent.  Oh and just like the river, I've been running ever since....

Kung Fu Panda stands no chance against Gun Wielding Panda.... Sorry Po

Apparently Arthur was feeling blue....

The Thrillippines

My past two flights I went to the wrong place of departure
But I finally hit the mark like an expert archer
Thus I departed on the red eye to Manila
The place that Muhammad Ali nicknamed the thrilla
Oh baby this poem is all killa, no filla
You're in for a stone cold chilla

My toothbrush was stolen during the flight
Perhaps I'll be framed in the dark of the night
Nay, they likely wanted my DNA for a clone
Can you imagine a world in which a million Sean's shone?
All those six packs glistening in glory
Now that's a delightful end to this story

My German friend Max told me of a place to stay
and I left the airport without further delay
Thus with a sketchy hostel picked
I took a cab to the red light district
I'm not sure it gets more depressing than living on a street full of whores
But that's where I've wound up along these distant, dark shores


When the moonlight doth start to glow
They crawl from the shadows with boobies to show
Who knows how many jobs they've been paid to blow!
Now there is only thing that I trust:
If you have enough money, you can buy lust

Whilst walking through the streets that they own
If you're like me, you'll never feel more alone
For instead of a heart being grown
It hardens and sinks like a stone
Wondering if I have the same fate as Ted Mosby
Searching the world for a love that never will be

The staff at the hostel wanted to take my picture, probably because my body is more heavenly than scripture

 Oh sweet, glorious 7/11, my own little slice of Heaven

Finally a classy place in which I can eat! Hooters, the place where you see boobies when you take your seat...err I mean Hooters, the place with the good looking meat...errr I mean Hooters, the place to go for a tasty treat (whew, what a save, now time to behave!)

Since it was the birthday of our dear friend Max
We bought him beer for good cheer, a friend's birthday tax
Besides I don't think he wanted a sculpture of my earwax
Or a pair of my ingeniously weaved nipple hair slacks

We downed liters of a vile booze called Hurricane
Which has a side effect that none can explain
For it turns your poo ninja turtle green
A frightening sight I wish I'd never seen
Knowing those unholy remnants fell from my butt
Makes me wish I could sew that thing shut

We went to a dance club called The Black Market
Where I shook that ass, you know I don't park it
Wow that image is uncomfortably disturbing
It's shocking how my words are so oft perturbing
The cause of a thousand appetites curbing...


After a few more days of cutting loose
I decided to stop my liver's abuse
I didn't even know where to begin
I drink far too much and I'm way too thin
The devils on my shoulders keep saying I'll win
but I only seem to take it on the chin
Perhaps I should stop reveling in sin!

One of the girls at the hostel was on a quest to feed us
But the only thing she had to offer was a duck fetus
In the Philippines it's a delicacy known as balut
It's taste too pungent for even salt and vinegar to dilute
No one was willing to give it a try
But with a curdling stomach, I let out a sigh
For I do not live my life in fear
So I stabbed a piece and I drew it near
It tasted and smelled like a dirty diaper
I was convinced I'd finally paid the pied piper
Never again, never again. 
Please sir please, never again

Oh what the fuck, it's the fetus of duck!

It won't go to waste, just give me a taste!

To get out of town I needed to take a cab to the bus
But the cabbie ended up making a fuss
For there was a terrible accident the night before
But after day four of passing whore after whore
I had no desire to live anymore
So I took the bus regardless of what was in store

There were vendors on board selling trinkets I did not desire
And recalling buses in Bolivia, I reached for a razor blade wire
For when their exhausting sales pitches do not tire
I wish only for my last breath to expire
Even in poem why doth I sound so dire?
My soul, a raging torrent of fire

It wasn't long before I arrived at the port
I saw a little girl sniff and her nose contort
It didn't take long before she started to spew
It seems for a shower, I was overdue
But then again, that's nothing new
And also something you already knew

My destination was the island of Boracay
I could only hope that it wouldn't... bore a guy 
(How do I come up with gem after gem
from what part of my mind doth they stem?)

Whether I travel by air or land or sea
A greater joy there shall never be
For it is how, not what you see
That determines the happiness of thee
For anything is possible when ye heart is free!

Thus with ticket in hand, I boarded a gigantic liner
a ship to which every man has said, "I've seen finer"
Bahaha, I'm such a poetically, snobby whiner
The vessel sailed all night through the salty breeze
and I found that my eyes had closed with ease

But alas, eventually the sun did rise
It's scattered rays shattered the skies
Until it found itself smothering thine eyes
I rose to my feet and walked towards an island that trembled
For a greatness such as mine it hath never assembled
A perfection of beauty that cannot be resembled

You're never gonna get in my bed, if nothings what you got in your head

This boat is made out of rocks, sometimes I pee in my socks

Herein lies a statue of Mary, but it only makes me feel wary.  For I don't believe in religion. No, not even a smidgen

I could not have pictured a more touristy island
Not even along the great coasts of Thailand
I didn't come here to eat a Big Mac
I came to lure women into the sack
So if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back!

Twas an island I hoped to find myself sequestered
Instead it was by salesman I found myself pestered
But alas I broke from their boisterous prose
and squished the sand beneath my toes
and stared at the ocean's beautiful flows

I came to the island for it's famous sunset
But it was only clouds that I seemed to get
For my time on the island was marred with rain
Thus I wondered if I should remain
For to stay indoors would drive me insane!

How could I stare at a sky so melancholy
When I could bask in a scene much more jolly?
I did not know where else I should go
Flights were expensive, so my path would be slow
In boat, bus, tricycle, boat, Jeepney, boat, and bus did I stow
As I drifted anywhere the wind did blow

Um yum in the tum, Boracay Rum!

I was expecting a beach both white and clean, but when I arrived it was covered in green!

Perhaps writing a post in poem means I have too much time on my hands
But the buses are long in these distant, dark lands
Besides, regardless of what I endeavor
I occasionally have to remind y'all I'm clever
For through time and distance our communications oft sever
Our memories, well those shall remain forever

Getting to my next destination made me which I had someone to flog
But my friends, that's a story for another blog...

 Random GoPros

In the city you will find a tower, climb it and you will find your power

Under a strand of balls so bright, there is always food to delight

For packaged fish, I do not wish

What a disgusting spectacle, am I about to eat a testicle?

Under the skies you shall claim your glory, so why are you waiting to begin your story?

Finally a beach for relaxing, why is my life so damn taxing?

Sapa

Vietnam had been amazing, but every place I visited seemed to be a big city, so I decided to head to the small town of Sapa.  Kaitlin and I booked a trek that included a home stay in a local village and the overnight train from Hanoi.  The tour left from a hotel/travel agency, so we were able to drop our bags and get a buffet breakfast before taking off.  Since the train was a few hours late, we started our journey at eleven instead of nine.

A group of locals joined us as we left the hotel to escort us to their village, giving us a chance to chat with them.  They all have excellent English, which they learn through a combination of school and constantly talking (trying to sell things to) tourists.  The path itself was pretty easy walking, since it was all downhill.  The views were absolutely amazing; I'd seen rice paddies in Indonesia, but they weren't anywhere near this scale.  It was the most beautiful scenery I found during my time in Vietnam.

Manliness aside...How precious is this little girl?!?!

The scenery looks amazing on a cloudy, foggy day.  I can only imagine what this looks like on a sunny one

Down in the valley with whisky rivers, these are the places you will find me hiding.  These are the places I will always go, these are places I will always go...

The situation did get super annoying when we stopped for lunch and it instantly became a giant guilt trip (trap), with our guide and all the locals telling us we needed to buy goods from them since they walked with us for so long.  Everyone knew it was coming, but it's still disappointing when it manifests.  We were also surrounded by a group of little girls that I'm convinced were zombies.  They moved by barely shuffling their feet and exhorted a steady, monotonous chorus of, "Buy from me".  No one leaves you alone, even when you ask them to, some of them even grab you, which to me is extremely disrespectful.  RESPECT THE BUBBLE!

Our initial group before lunch included a Welsh guy named David, A Dutch girl named Addowa, and an English girl named Eva.  But after lunch we were joined by a Chinese woman and a pair of deaf girls.  They're incredible, sometimes I get frustrated trying to communicate abroad, so I can only imagine what those two go through; Inspiring.  We walked for a few more hours before arriving at the homestay, where another Dutchman came into the fold, Roy. 

I never finish phrases I misspell, open arms and prison cells.  When I said I hate what I've become... I lied, I hated who I was

Just a kid with a mangled, tortured snake tied to a stick.  PETA would implode in Asia

If you were to imagine a homestay in your mind, you're probably thinking it involves staying with a local family that has no power or running water.  The one we stayed at not only had power and hot water, but also a pool table, television, and some of the fastest wifi I've experienced in Vietnam.  They even served us french fries as an afternoon snack!  On the one hand, some people may say that's not an authentic homestay, but I'd disagree with that. I'd rather see how people really live, rather than have them disingenuously put on a show to make a few extra bucks.  If they are evolving to incorporate modern technology, then so be it.  Besides, when you walk past a million power/phone lines, you'd have to be relatively naive to believe they live without such amenities.  

After dinner, our tour guide basically told us we couldn't leave and if we bought beer it needed to be from the local family we were staying with rather than the bar down the hill.  Breakfast the next morning was banana/honey crepes, so tasty.  We also got to eat a second breakfast with the family, which was much heavier.  There was a bunch of baconesque ham slices, a banana flower dish, rice, and leftovers from the previous night.  It's still weird for me that people eat soup, rice, and noodles for breakfast, but it takes all kinds in this world.  Once again our tour guide told us we needed to tip the family.  It wasn't long after this that the Chinese lady in our group told him he needed to back off and quit telling all the younger people in the group to buy things or give out tips, because they're poor as well and trying to stretch their money out as long as possible during their travels.  It was pretty awesome.

After breakfast we trekked through the mud to get to a waterfall that overlooked the valley.  After stopping there briefly to take a few photos, we hiked through an even muddier path in order to get to a small town to break and have lunch.   We were once again accosted to buy goods as soon as we sat down, what I wouldn't give to eat in peace...  I'm pretty sure there was supposed to be another hour of hiking after lunch, but we were shuttled back to the hotel instead.  Whatevs.

She better get in the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich when she's done tilling this field. #RespectForWomen

This is the way it was always meant to be

Apparently only one of us had the energy to make a kick ass pose at the top of the waterfall!!!!! Look at that hair and those forearms.  Those are the type of forearms that are meant to wield a lightsaber.   I would totally do me.

The next day I swapped to a cheap hostel and started searching for a new bag.  The backpack I had swapped with my broseph Josh was reaching a point where it was no longer usable.  I found one for $23, which was a pretty nice upgrade as the lifting strap, shoulder pad, side clasps, and three zippers were broken on Josh's.  I think Kaitlin was a little weirded out by how excited I was to get a new bag, but I don't buy stuff, so when I get something new it's the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.  

Later that afternoon we met up with Stine and Kristine, who had come to Sapa the day after us.  The three girls all headed back to Hanoi that night to catch flights to Indonesia, so we all said our goodbyes and I went back to my hostel room to celebra...I mean shed tears, in regards to their departure.  I also booked a trip to climb the highest mountain in the Vietnam/Indochina region, Fansipan.  The girls told me I should have joined them in Bali, because my life would go to shit without them.  Maybe I should have listened...

The tour was supposed to leave at 9:15 in the morning, but we didn't even leave the office until 12:15.  We were told the reason for the delay was because the train carrying a group of 15 Vietnamese people was late.  However, when we left the agency, we were dropped off at a hotel where all the Vietnamese people had been staying...since the night before.  Lying bastard.  In addition to the Vietnamese, our group contained Marcus from Norway and Tim, Sjoerd, Ilse, Dennis, and Pietsje from the Netherlands.

By the time we finally got to the mountain, it was 1:15 in the afternoon.  However, we were told we couldn't start hiking, because now the porters needed to eat lunch, so we sat around until 2.  We also discovered we didn't have a tour guide, just a group of porters that didn't speak English.  The seven westerners in the group were pissed about the late start and wanted to make sure we got to the camping grounds before the sun went down, so we ended up doing the entire hike on our own ahead of the porters.  Marcus, Tim and I were the first to arrive to camp at 5:30, with the others arriving at 6.  Some of the Vietnamese weren't as quick and had to spend a few hours hiking in the dark.  

And what if the mountain defeats you Gandalf????  Wow, a Star Wars and LOTR reference all in one post.  Don't come running too quickly ladies, wouldn't want you to trip over a Nimbus 2000...

Our campsite was really fancy

Day two required an early start, so we were roused from our slumbers at 6, fed breakfast, and then started hiking around 7.  Marcus and I were on a mission to get to the summit, so we hiked past the Vietnamese people that started earlier in the morning.  We ended up being the first ones to make it to the top, along with the fastest Vietnamese person who joined us along the way.  The worst part about getting to the top, was knowing that we had to go back down using the exact same route; There was nothing new or exciting to come on the descent, instead it was just a feeling of, "Can't we be done already?".  Tim and Marcus were so intent to get back to Sapa that they got lunch from a different group's porters and set off on their own. By the time the rest of us were served lunch, it was already 11:30.  After lunch I went to the tent where I had left a full bottle of water, but apparently one of the porters decided to take it for himself.  At least he left me the bottle that was 1/3 full so I wouldn't die of dehydration during the final 3.5 hour descent.

By the time I reached the finish, it was already 3 in the afternoon and I was hoping the rumors that a vehicle was waiting to pick us up were true. However, I soon realized every tour company had a van waiting but ours.  Thus I purchased an overpriced water and sat in my cold, sweaty clothes, while the wind pounded me for over 45 minutes before the rest of the group arrived.  The porter said transport would arrive in 5 minutes.  25 minutes later, when I asked him where transport was, he said, you guessed it,  "5 minutes".  All in all, I waited for 2 hours before getting a ride back into town.  Worst. Tour. Ever.  I could have done the entire thing on my own in a single day.

People always told me my head was in the clouds...If only they realized my limits were beyond the sky

Here's to the last time running through snow, cus my vault is full and my fire's bold

Vanquished

Though the tour sucked balls, we kicked ass!

We all went to tour agency upon arriving into town and demanded a refund because there were so many delays, the service was terrible in general, and there was no English speaking guide.  However, the dude running the place was a total asshole and kept trying to blame everything on the porter, even though he was the one in charge of transport and providing a guide, our two main complaints.  Eventually he just started yelling, "I NEVER GIVE MONEY BACK. NO. NEVER."  He had no concern about providing good service or having any level of customer satisfaction.  However, his decisions are his own, as is his karma.  Most agencies don't seem to care about positive feedback or improved performance in Vietnam, it's all about getting money in the short term;  Long term strategy does not matter.  

My shoes got so torn up during the climb that the heel was separating from the mesh on the sides, so I had to trash them.  The American girl in my dorm room also accidentally stole my contacts case when she left in the morning.  It sucked on multiple fronts as contacts are expensive, I have a limited supply with me, and it's quite difficult to find a lense case out here.  You can only get a case by buying a full bottle of contact solution, which is around $10.  The universe was putting me into a Depressean.

During my last day in Sapa, I had the pleasure of watching an old woman farmer sneeze (blow her boogers) directly into the street as I was eating lunch.  I took that as a sign to move on, so I booked the overnight bus to Hanoi, which also saved me from paying for that evening's accommodation.  The bus was supposed to get in around 7 AM, but I was awoken at 4:30 as the bus driver felt the need blare Vietnamese music at the highest volume possible.  The speaker was directly above my seat and even with my ipod on full blast, I couldn't block out the tune.  When I asked if he could turn it down, he just started yelling, "HANOI!" and pointing towards the ground.  Why being in our target destination meant he had to play that unholy music for 45 minutes on full blast will remain unknown to me.  I'm pretty sure everyone was up after the first nanosecond.  


I spent a night in Hanoi to catch up on my blog, wash my soaked clothing, and take care of a few other items.  My flight into the Philippines was my first since going from Kuala Lumpur to Thailand, which was the second flight in a row I'd gone to the wrong airport.  Ergo, I was hoping to fare better this time, but that's a story for another blog... 

Sexy Photo Shoot Time

SUIT UP!  Suit Up seems to be a suitable caption considering how well my new suit suits me.

Fansipan Fancy Pants!!!!

Great Suit, Great Life!!!!

The fastest men up the mountain!!!!

If you're thinking about what it'd be like to see me without the suit on...

There's no one I disapprove of or root for more than myself....

If you think of my nipples as eyes, my torso looks like a super creepy alien face...Look away before you get sucked in

Random GoPros

Sometimes I struggle to contain my excitement

Stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again.  I can't take the speed it's moving in.  I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in.  Don't think I couldn't ever understand. I tried my hand, tried honestly, I'll never stop this train!

I live in a city, but I belong in a field

Where are you now, oh where are you now?  Do you ever think of me in the quiet; In the crowd?

I took no mind altering drugs in Vietnam, you're welcome mom.

Don't get too excited, it probably just means I'm going to do heroin, crystal meth, or some really dangerous drugs you haven't even heard about while I'm in the Philippines

At least the guard rails are intact

Walk along to another day, work a little harder, work another way.  Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.  Gonna float on, maybe would you understand?

Walked on off to another spot, I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.  Do I want love? Do I need to know? Why does it always feel like I'm caught in the undertow?

The guy behind me is just like, why does this douche keep doing the Titanic pose... No one knows