Niagra Falls and the Termite Room

Sarah and her sister decided to surprise their parents with a trip to Niagara Falls for their 30th wedding anniversary, so I finally found myself in Canada!  Now for those of you who are unfamiliar, let me provide you a refresher.  Canada is basically just a territory of the United States that we don't really want because it's cold and full of Canadians.  Canada is also known for it's unusually high violent crimes rate, which can be attributed to the fact that over 2/3 of their population are polar bears.  I believe it also serves as an entry point into Narnia, but what do I know, I'm not a scientist.  

But anyways.... Sarah and I flew into nearby Buffalo and took a cab across the boarder, whilst Sarah's parents drove from Connecticut, and Candice and Eric drove over from Maine.  Luckily no one ran into any issues getting there, although Candice was traveling with some four-day old, unrefrigerated pasta which I'm pretty sure is not something that should be consumed by a human body.  Or even a raccoon's body.  I'm pretty sure a metal car basking in the sunlight does not offer the same level of food preservation as a refrigerator.  I don't understand why people don't listen to me, I'm basically a scientist.

We mostly just relaxed and hung out on the first night, but the next day we took a trip to Niagara on the Lake, which was a really nice town about thirty minutes past Niagara Falls.  To get there, we only followed one road that ran parallel to the river, so there were plenty of cool things to see along the way.  One such place was Fort George, which is a rebuilt replica of a fort that saw some action during the war of 1812.

For those of you who watched The Office - The Maiden of the Mist, where Jim and Pam got married!

They took all the trees and put them in a tree museum, but for a dollar and half you can pay to see them.  Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone.  They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

For those unfamiliar with the war of 1812, it's basically just another story about Canada fighting to become a part of the U.S. and the U.S. fighting ferociously to prevent that from happening.  The best part about visiting the fort - entry was free!  Apparently Canada values free access to educational opportunities for everyone... America values money.  Fort George also has a recurring musket firing demonstration, which is super entertaining.  I love it when you meet people that are genuinely passionate about their jobs, it makes all the difference.

We had a picnic for lunch in Niagara on the Lake before heading back.  Along the way, we passed about eight thousand wineries and finally stopped at a place that sold local honey.  This is either a fun fact or an urban myth, but apparently getting local honey helps minimize your allergies.  The idea being that the bees have collected pollen allergens and processed them in the honey, so the honey strengthens your immune system.  So if you suffer terrible allergies - go get some local raw honey!

That night we also had a fancy dinner in the revolving restaurant located at the top of Skylon Tower, was modeled after the space needle in Seattle, courtesy of Sarah's parents.  The views from the tower at night were wicked, because you get to see the falls from above when they are lit up in different colors.  We also decided to do a little gambling that evening.  Candice somehow won thirty dollars for getting five non-matching items on a slot machine.  I somehow lost when I got three of the money symbols on a different slot machine, but won when i got a vampire, werewolf, and a mermaid. I really don't know how those machines work.  Luckily Eric and I hit up the craps table later and I was able to recoup most of my losses.   And Sarah pulled through by winning a few dollars playing black jack so we ended up breaking even!

We decided to torture Sarah's mom with a speedboat trip along the rapids that form at the bottom of the falls!

The Niagara river, which serves as a dividing line between New York and Canada, features hydro-electric power plants for both countries.  This is a photo of one of the Sir Adam Beck Generating Stations on the Canada side.

The next day we decided to go back to Niagara on the Lake to do a speedboat tour along the rapids.  I'm not entirely sure Sarah's mom wanted to get on a boat that would be doing 360 spins and tearing through level 5 rapids, but I think she had a good time!  After the tour was finished, we did another picnic lunch and then did a mini hike along the river gorge.  I do have to say I was pretty impressed with how active everyone is over in Canada.  People were bicycling, hiking, climbing, and just enjoying nature in general.

For our last night, we decided to hang out and grab dinner at a Mexican restaurant.  Americans having a Mexican dinner in Canada.  Talk about celebrating the diversity of North America!  After supper, we went bowling and dominated some arcade games.  We pooled all of our tickets to get the premium prizes.   You all know what I'm talking about.  Premium prizes that included a plastic army dude, foam dice, and a Chinese finger trap.  The latter of which Eric tried to trade for a parachute man, but was refused since his fingers were already stuck in said trap... Apparently once a finger trap has been used, it loses all intrinsic value.   All of these items probably have a combined retail value of thirty cents, but cost us about $20 in arcade tickets.  

A little view of the Niagara River

A view from above the falls on the American side of the river

The next day we all had to separate and make our way to our next destination.  Eric and Candice started their journey back to Maine, Sarah's parents continued their road trip further into Canada, and the missus and I had to fly home.  Fly home and work on our house.  When will it ever end?!??!?!

In my last blog, I mentioned my favourite room in the house, the termite room.  I'm now going to offer you some advice.  If at any point in your life you are in a relationship and want it to end, drywall a room together.  I've done a lot of projects over the years; Installed laminate flooring, tiled kitchens and bathrooms, wired outlets, painted houses, assembled shitty ikea furniture... None of them compare to drywalling.  It is brutal.

A man's feeling ambitious.  He decides to take down some wood panelling.

A man finds termite damage.  He blames his girlfriend for wanting an insect infected house that was above their agreed upon price range.  He grabs a beer.

After a few more beers, he thinks to himself...I can fix this.  I'll tackle it tomorrow.

Three weeks later, he pays a contractor to fix it

But he installs the insulation himself, because he's a cheap bastard

He then tricks friend into helping him hang the new sheet rock with the promise of beer and pizza.  He also spake of a cake. But there was no cake,  the cake was a lie.

Man succeeds.  He spends hundreds of hours and dollars to fix room.  He also spends an additional thirty seconds and $8 to have a friend bring Nando's sauce from the UK as a surprise for girlfriend.  Girlfriend comes home from work trip and sees room. "Oooooh, it looks so good!".  Said girlfriend then walks into kitchen and sees the sauce.  "OH MY GOD, NANDO'S SAUCE!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!".   Man still doesn't know why he bothers.

Ahhh, but doesn't it look nice!!!

Luckily we were able to complete the room ahead of July 4th weekend, because pretty much all of my siblings decided to come back to KC.  Nothing like a little last minute spontaneous family reunion... See, booking travel on a whim runs in the family!  We also had a quick weekend trip out to Massachusetts to mourn the passing of Sarah's godfather the following weekend, so we were both able to see quite a bit of our families in a short period of time.  Sarah's dad met her godfather when they were walking around the outskirts of Boston as children, and decided to start throwing rocks at each other.  30 years ago kids could walk around at five years old and play outside without adult supervision.  Today, a ten year old can't even walk to school on their own without someone sounding the alarms.  This generation is going to be cotton candy instead of salt of the earth.

The missus and I spent the rest of our free time this summer road-tripping around the country, starting with a trip to Yellowstone and Grand Teton, but that's a story for another blog....

Random GoPros

Sometimes the best way to do lunch when traveling is to just grab some food from the grocery store and have a picnic.  

If you go to the falls, it's worth staying 'til the night when it's all lit up

Talk about a view at dinner!  The revolving restaurant in Skylon Tower

The ever elusive horizontal rainbow

The view along the Plymouth jetty

 Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

I'm just a man with a stick and some balls... 

When looking at Joe' s face, I can only imagine he is trying to comprehend why his daughter is still with me.  It's a look I see quite often from people, particularly when I speak.

The Byers Clan

Niagara Falls?  More like Viagra Falls when you're looking into the eyes of that sexy beast.

I'm free, but I'm focused. I'm green, but I'm wise.  I'm hard, but I'm friendly baby.  I'm sad, but I'm laughing. I'm brave, but I'm chicken shit.  And what it all boils down to, is that no one's got it figured out quite yet.  But I got one hand in my pocket, and the other is snapping GoPros.

I'm broke, but I'm happy.  I'm poor, but I'm kind.  I'm high, but I'm grounded.  I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost, but I'm hopeful baby.  Cus what it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine.  Cus I got one hand in my pocket and the other indulges in selfies.

What a bunch of Lowe-lifes....

When I look at this photo do I see the Lowe Bros?  Do I see a happy family?  Do I see incredible hair?  No, I just see a poster of Stallone punching Dolph Lundgren in the face.  Displayed as a symbol, nay as pillar of hope for all men, that they too may display their possessions in their homes.  No longer shall we be oppressed by women and forced to hide our movie memorabilia in the basement.  We must be strong, we must be united.  The Manimist movement is real!

Baby Ray took one look at that  Rocky poster and knew what he had to do... I can only imagine what would have happened had he seen the ninja swords.

Sarah was forced to have her first Yeti!  A Lowe family tradition

Soaking up the sights where the pilgrims first landed!

Moped, Boat, Bus, Cargo Ship, Jeepney, Speed Boat, Tricycle, Bus

After leaving Boracay, I wasn't 100% sure on where I was going.   My first step was to take a boat from Boracay to Caticlan and then find a bus going south to Iloilo.  All in all this portion took seven hours.  When I arrived in Iloilo, I had to get a tricycle (moped with a sidecar) to the port, which took another 30 minutes.  Luckily I was able to get the pier an hour and a half before the overnight boat left to Cebu (otherwise I would have had to take a combination of slow boats/buses over the course of 2 days). It was $2 extra to stay in the more comfortable tourist section for the 13 hour journey, but I'm too cheap for that and took the economy seat with the locals.  Do I look like I'm made of money?  After getting to Cebu, I spontaneously decided to go to an even further island, Bohol.

With the help of the awesome, super friendly locals, I was able to take a Jeepney (Basically an extended pickup truck with seats in the bed; They were left behind by the American Army and now serve as public transportation vehicles all over the Philippines...They are everywhere!) from Pier 5 to Pier 1 and catch a boat to Tagbilaran, the capital of Bohol.  I paid $5 extra for the speed boat, because it was already 11 and if I took the slow boat, I wouldn't get there until 5 and I didn't want to lose the entire day.  I had no idea where I was going to stay in Bohol, so I pulled up the Lonely Planet on my phone and found out there's a place called Nuts Huts in the middle of the jungle.  So after the two hour speed boat landed, I took a tricycle to the mall and caught a bus going north to a town called Carmen.  

It's all squalls and tempests on the path to chaos

This is how a professional travels...A professional backpacker that is

Far away, this ship is taking me far away.  Far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die.  The starlight, I will be chasing the starlight...

The Lonely Planet's explanation on how to get to Nuts Huts was simply to get on a bus heading north to Carmen, find the sign that says Nuts Huts and get off there.  The author didn't feel the need to state how far away it would be (1 hour), so I just sat there wondering, "Where the F am I?".  I wasn't feeling too confident about finding this sign, but the locals saw my lost puppy look and provided me with enough succor to get me there.  The bus was so packed that they just tossed my bags out of the window.  No one in the jammed aisle in front of me moved, so I figured I was supposed to follow suit, but as I started to make the akward climb they yelled at me and when I looked back, they were just like you don't need to climb out of the window you dumbass, there's a door two rows behind you.  In my defense, since when do buses have two sets of side doors that you can enter/exit from? Besides, I wanted to put my glutes on display as I exited the window.  I've spent a lot of time in the gym sculpting these buns, nearly everyone knows I only workout the glamour muscles (the ones that are visible in normal atire). And finally, even though I occasionally (pretty regularly) embarrass myself, I also realize that my life is infinitely more exciting due to my awkwardness.

After I got my sweet ass off that bus, I walked along the woodland path for about 20 minutes, ending up at a staircase containing about 100 steps, which brought me to the reception.  Past that were another 100 steps to the rooms.  Luckily they had an open bed, because if they didn't I was just going to pull out my sleeping bag and carry it into the woods, because my trip had just hit 30 hours and I was in the middle of nowhere.

Strangely enough, I was so excited to be settled that I decided to go do something.  Ergo, I walked back to the main road to catch another bus heading north to Carmen, so I could scope the Chocolate Hills, which is the most famous attraction in Bohol.  I was actually pretty impressed with myself, standing on the side of the road flagging down buses/jeepneys to get places like a local; Doing everything on the fly with no planning.  I really am a professional backpacker!  The buses were incredibly cheap, it was only 30 pesos (67 cents) for the hour ride to the Chocolate Hills.

The foggy silhouette...I love it

Science says the Chocolate Hills are the result of mineral erosion.  Local legend says they were formed by a giant's teardrops.  I think you know which version I believe...Giants! There were giant lizards, there were giant mammoths.  Are you telling me there weren't giant humans or giant ape-like creatures.  For all we know these hills were formed by the tears of a sasquatch.  I mean why was this sasquatch even crying in the first place? That's what I want to know.  Hmm what I was doing again, oh yeah writing a blog...We'll come back to this later

When she got stuck up there, it was catastrophic.  Her whining was really clawing at my sanity.  So I put my life on paws, and tried to whisk her down... When she still wouldn't jump I was like you must be kitten!  Alright, I'm done with this aristicatic tail meow...Even though it left you feeling pawsitively ecscatic... Am I right? Am I right?

The following day I tried to make a trip to see the tarsier, which is the second smallest primate in the world.  However, the Philippines are a heavily Christian nation and it was Holy Week (the week leading up to Easter), so everything was shut down on Holy Thursday and Good Friday.  Since I had two days to kill where I couldn't do anything or go anywhere, I worked out, read, watched movies, and made time lapses.  There was no wifi in the jungle, so I basked in the glory of nothingness.

Nuts Huts and the other stretches of Bohol I saw were what I thought the Philippines would be like, full of nature and adventure. The food was also glorious, there's no better breakfast to me than fresh mixed fruit with meusli and yogurt.  Perhaps the nicest thing was being able to eat healthy.  95% of food you order in the Philippines contains meat.  A typical breakfast here is rice with fried beef.  I tried to order mac and cheese at one point... It came with three kinds of meat.  I once ordered a vegetarian curry and was informed I couldn't order that, I could only order pork or chicken.  In other words my "every other day vegetarian" diet has turned into "I eat meat 3 times a day in the Philippines".

Sometimes a bro drinks a little too much and pees on a tree.  And sometimes that tree is a public playground and said bro gets arrested for indecent exposure and then has to introduce himself to everyone living within 400 meters of his apartment to inform them he's a sex offender...

Sometimes people refer to me as the GOAT...The Greatest Of All Time

Chopin - Nocturne in E Flat, Opus Nine, No. Two

I figured Saturday was my best chance to get back to Cebu, so I took a Jeepney to Tagbilaran for a mere 25 pesos and then took the slow boat back to Cebu to save myself the $5 from the speedboat.  When I arrived that evening I headed to a place called Sugbutel Family Hotel, that has a 136 bed dorm room, similar to what you find on the boats, except they are sectioned into either 8, 16, or 32 bed partitions.  My first night was in the 32 bed section.  The receptionist informed the only place to eat was the mall and I had to take a cab if I didn't want to get mugged, so I paid the dollar fare and ate some disgustingly unhealthy mall food.  The mall did house a grocery store though, so I stocked up on fruit, peanut butter, and bread so I could at least make my own breakfasts.  Peanut butter and banana sandwiches with an apple... delish.

There wasn't much to do in Cebu, especially during Holy Week, short of checking out it's oldest street and it's oldest fort, so I wasn't really able to accomplish much there.  My Italian friend Peppe had told me of a few waterfalls I could see and a place to snorkel, but I figured I'd save the cash since traveling between cities has been so expensive and I'd be doing both activities within the next few weeks anyways.  In other words, I was a waste of life in Cebu; I spent hours walking around town and my life revolved around eating my meals at the mall.  It was nice to live cheaply for a few days though.  Plus I got to watch the new Captain America movie for $4 in a nearly empty theater.  I love getting to nerd out!!!

Just a photo to show you how massive these liners are

When I took this photo I was wearing a t-shirt that said "Forecast: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" followed by an arrow pointing down....I wasn't wearing any pants

Filipino Graffiti aka Anime...If they created one of me it would be referred to as AnimeSean

One of the downfalls of giant hostel rooms is that you have to deal with people coughing (spreading germs) and snoring throughout the night.  When I woke up at 2 in the morning due to said snoring, here are the thoughts that filled my mind:

• What the hell is happening right now?  It sounds like a goat is getting slaughtered or Darth Vader is having an asthma attack.
• Get a private room, you selfish fucking prick.  No one wants to listen to you snore.
• Every time I hear you take a breath, I hope it's your last.
• I hope your heart explodes.
• If there was an option to play Russian roulette for a private room, I would squeeze the trigger and be happy with either outcome.

At 4 AM I couldn't take it any longer and retreated to the lobby.  Eventually I went back to the room and was able to catch a few hours of sleep.  Upon arising I pre-booked a hotel for Macau, because they have a ban on hostels/guesthouses/anything cheap.  The internet claimed the cheapest room you could get upon arrival was $190, but by prebooking I was able to get one for $140 after taxes.  A day in Macau is probably going to cost me more than a week in Cambodia, but I figured why not spend a night there, you only live once.  Besides I live by two rules "Respect for Women" and "Fuck it, I'm Rich". (I'm not actually rich... Unless you're an attractive lady, in which case you should know I'm the sole heir to Lowe's, the largest home improvement retailer in the world.)  I was also finally able to get a ticket out of Cebu, so I made my way back to Iloilo.

Tobias: Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea... (Arrested Development Reference, Drink!!!!)

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?  Well I'm here with you....

Cebu City Lights

I had to go back to Iloilo in order to catch a boat to Palawan, so I planned to be there for a night.  However, when I went to get my boat ticket, I was informed that the boat no longer ran on Thursdays and I would have to wait until Saturday before I could leave.  Thus I ended up having to stay in a town that literally has nothing to do for three days.  The other kickers? The boat that used to leave on Thursdays covered two nights on the boat and was $7 cheaper.  My new boat left early in the morning, so it only covered one night's accommodation.  So all in all, not only did I lose two days being stuck in a boring town, but I also lost a free nights accommodation and had to pay an extra $7 in the process.  It also meant 2 less days in Palawan, which meant I no longer had enough time to get my scuba diving certification.  

While we're piling on the pain.  The new bag I purchased in Vietnam started falling apart at the seams, a personification of it's owner.  It's currently held together by an elaborate series of knots, some dental floss, and a strategically placed piece of Velcro.  Someday I will learn the lesson to not be a cheap ass and buy genuine name brand goods...  The universe does seem to like making me suffer.  I hope everyone else is entertained by my misfortune, cus for me....it's a bitch

Best. Name. Ever.

Get me out of these cities!!!!!

I guess you could call this a fountain of...youth.  But seriously, why is this fountain full of naked children?  It's in the middle of a city... I mean for all they know there could be a registered sex offender less than 400 meters away

Since I had so much free time in Iloilo before my boat left, I purchased the first two Harry Hole novels, The Bat and Cockroaches.  I read The Bat in two days, so effing good!!! After 8.5 months of travel, it's nice to have a day where you can sit in a coffee shop, read a book and relax. Besides, bookworms = badasses.  I don't like to boast, but I can read nearly 20 pages per hour.  I may have also been so bored that I dyed my hair black...

The path to El Nido included a thirty hour boat and an eight hour bus.  It would be my second multi-day journey in as many weeks, but that's a story for another blog. 

Random GoPros

If you miss this sign you are so screwed!  You have to spot it and yell for the bus to pull over so you can jump off

The infamous Nuts Huts staircase

Snow Patrol - Chocolate

I understand the first three, but how else am I supposed to get rid of all these dead bodies?

Jeepney rides...One of the many reasons it's more fun in the Philippines!!!!!!

I'm a giant in the Philippines, I'm always too big for public transportation.  On the one hand I understand how it could suck to be tall, but on the other hand I feel like a god towering over all the puny humans.  Bahahaha evil world domination smiley

I was born by the river in a little tent.  Oh and just like the river, I've been running ever since....

Kung Fu Panda stands no chance against Gun Wielding Panda.... Sorry Po

Apparently Arthur was feeling blue....