Patience, My Young Palawan

My delay in Iloilo meant I didn't have time to get my Open Water diving certification in Palawan, but I keep thinking there's a reason I always get delayed on diving, like the Universe has something important planned for me when the time finally comes.  I left my hostel at 6 AM to catch the boat, which was definitely the worst one I've been on, but it's views were by far the best.  There was a group of birds fishing right off the boat; It was incredible watching them casually fly around and then chaotically dart towards the water and snatch up a fish.  Absolutely amazing.  I also got to see pods of the fish that can fly when they jump out of the water.  It was so cool to watch them zigzag over the waves and flutter their wings.  I felt like I was living in an episode of Planet Earth.  

I was also so happy it was the last time I have to board a gigantic liner anytime soon.  I'm 5'10 and a quarter, which basically rounds to 5'10 and a half, which basically rounds to 6 feet.  So not only am I unnaturally tall, but I'm not exactly skinny either.  I mean, I'm basically built like a tornado.  Cramming myself and two bags onto the tiny beds of these boats is torturous.  I have to line my big bag up at the foot of the bed and raise my feet over it, except my feet extend past where my bed ends and the next person's starts, so I can't lay flat. Plus I have to curl my torso around my computer/camera bag, so I basically end up in this awkward fetal position with my legs elevated over my big bag.  Let's just say I get excited when I get to leave the boat!!!  

The best sunset I've seen since Indonesia

People thought I was crazy for leaving my old life behind... I think they're crazy for not joining me!

I used to rule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word.  Now in the morning I sweep alone, sweep the streets I used to own....

At 7 PM, the boat stopped and we had a three hour layover on an island called Cuyo before hopping back on the boat so we could sail through the night.  When I awoke for the sunrise, it was so amazing that I didn't even grab my camera.  I just wanted to enjoy the moment.  Later that morning I watched a pod of dolphins jumping out of the water and another cruising underwater at unreal speeds.  I got crazy lucky on the scenery.  We finally arrived in Puerto Princesa at 1:30 in the afternoon and I grabbed a Jeepney to the bus station, because it was 50 cents compared to a 3.50 tricycle ride.  I ended up getting there in time to catch the 2:30 bus to the northernmost city in Palawan, El Nido.  That bus took nearly 8 hours, so I didn't get there until 10 o'clock at night.  All in all my journey from Iloilo to El Nido was 40 hours.

If I had a do over I would take a flight from Cebu to Puerto Princesa vs. doing all the boats.  The boats are an adventure and save you money since they cover overnight lodging, but I lost 2 days waiting on a boat from Cebu to Iloilo, another 3 days in Iloilo, and then the 2 day boat to Puerto.  So in hindsight, I basically wasted 7 days in order to save $80.  Yup, I'm an idiot.  I only had 5 days to spend on Palawan before I had to fly out, so I had to skip the town of Sabang, which houses the world's longest underground river. But I wasn't too upset, that's more of something to say you've done vs. something that's actually awesome.

Bah, still terrible at photographing stars, too blurry.  But here's a shot of the night sky from Cuyo.  The three dots clumped together are Orion's Belt and you can make out rest of the Orion constellation

There were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven...

If I had one super power, it would totally be to fly....Well that and to be able to steal everyone else's super powers.  THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!

Since I got into El Nido so late, I figured I would just go with a Lonely Planet suggestion for accommodation since I didn't have time to walk around and find something.  The place was called Alternative Cafe and was supposed to be 250 pisos for a dorm....They didn't even have dorms and rooms were 600.  I walked around but everything close by was the same price or more, so I had to suck it up.  My only guess is that there's two places with the same name and my tricycle person took me to the expensive one.  After I went to bed that night, I started to hear something crinkling, but I deduced the fan must have been blowing on a plastic sack I left on the table.  Thinking nothing more, I went to sleep.

As soon as I stepped outside the next morning I realized that El Nido was a paradise.  The view of the beach, surrounded by limestone cliffs and an ocean full of boats was exactly what I needed after my long journey.  The tours in El Nido have standardized prices and itineraries regardless of vendor, so you simply choose Tour A, B, C, or D.  I went with Tour A, since Max had told me it was awesome when I met him in Manila.  

Fun Fact #1: Part of The Bourne Legacy was filmed in El Nido!

Fun Fact #2: When I was eleven, a unicorn farted in my eye.  I've been Asian ever since.

Palawan was easily my favorite place in the Philippines

In addition to myself, the group contained seven women from Manila, a Filipino guy that currently lives in Florida, and a Swiss couple.  We started off the morning by snorkeling in two different areas and sailing through a place called Big Lagoon, which is where the ending of The Bourne Legacy was filmed.  The water wasn't the clearest and there wasn't a ton of diversity or fish I haven't seen before, but I still loved it.  It'd been too long since I last snorkeled.

Our lunch was the best day trip meal I've ever had.  We had tons of fresh fruit, including yellow watermelon.  I was a little leery about grabbing a piece because it was covered by bees, but I had to try it!  Turns out it tastes exactly like a red watermelon.  In addition there were bananas, mangoes, and pineapples.  For the main courses we had rice, steak, squid, and a couple of gigantic fish.  The Filipino ladies were so nice, making sure we all had plenty to eat and were enjoying everything.  They even gave me cookies!

After lunch we went to a secret cove that you could only access by crawling through a tiny hole in the rock wall, but once you got to the other side you were in the middle of a knee deep pool of water surrounded by cliffs on all sides.  It was unbelievable.  After departing from there we ended up snorkeling into a secret lagoon type place, where you swam through some rocks and ended up in an even bigger lagoon that some people were kayaking through.  Such an amazing tour, if I had the time and money I would have done all 4 tours.

I was really hoping to see some a bird called a Swiftlet while we were boating around, because they make their nests entirely out of their own spit.  The nests are then harvested and turned into birds nest soup, which is a huge delicacy in China.  A bowl of the soup can cost over $100 and a kilo (2.2 pounds) of nests can cost up to $10,000.  However, I wasn't able to come accross any and my dream of harvesting the nests and making a fortune were crushed.  

Big Lagoon

A) This is the worst group photo ever, one dude is completely off to the side. B) I totally pass as full Asian with the black hair 

How you doin?  ;)

After I got back from Tour A, I sat down on my bed so I could upload the photos from my GoPro and check out what footage I got.  After a few minutes I looked over at my bag and I saw a tail move.  My eyes rolled up the tail and I was expecting the torso to be a gecko, but nope...There was a mouse on my bag!  When it saw me looking at it, it freaked out and jumped towards me, but luckily it was just jumping under the bed.  I then realized the crinkling sound from the night before was the mouse going through the plastic bag in hopes it would contain food.  I will admit he was a cute little bastard, but not exactly the roommate I was looking for.

I didn't take out money before going to El Nido and there are no ATMs there, so I needed to exchange money.  Exchange people never take your money if there is even a millimeter sized tear, so I had a 50 and a 20 that were no good and one of my remaining 20s got turned down for looking old (Seriously, what does that even mean? It was the same 2004 series as the one she accepted), so I could only exchange enough cash to stay one additional night than I originally planned.

Since I couldn't afford another tour, I decided to spend the next day getting back into shape since I hadn't worked out properly in a few weeks.  150 push ups, 150 sit ups, some bag curls, and a grueling ten minutes of cardio.  After my workout, I just swam in the ocean in lieu of taking a shower... That's become pretty normal for me now, take advantage of what nature gives you.  I spent the rest of the afternoon taking photos and strolling the beach.  In the meantime, a sticky pad  was placed in my room to catch the mouse, but when I got back to my room I noticed it caught a small mouse I hadn't seen before.  While that mouse was trapped I also saw a new mouse that was bright brown.  I felt like I was in the scene at the end of Ratatouille where he walks into the kitchen and there's a million rats.  All in all I saw at least three different mice in my room and a rat the size of a rhinoceros running through the restaurant area.  

Until we meet again El Nido

That night I met a pair of girls, Mirjam and Sasha, while I was eating dinner and ended up meeting with Mirjam for drinks.  We ended up hanging out until the bar closed and when we went to grab our flip flops, we noticed they were missing.  Thus for the second time on this trip, my footwear had been stolen!  We told the guy working there it seemed a little strange that both our flip flops were missing and he said maybe drunk people accidentally took them instead of their own.  But if that was the case, their shoes should still have been there.  Plus what are the chances two people walked by that had my size shoe and Mirjam's size shoe.  But it happens out here, so you just have to roll with it.  I am a little worried about my shoe karma though, I'm on my fifth pair of shoes and fourth pair of flip flops now!  Don't even get me started on my headphone karma, I think I'm on pair fifteen.  

The next morning I had to take a bus back to Puerto since I was flying out of there.  I'm pretty sure the lady next to me on the bus was a crackhead as she was unnaturally skinny and had pockmarks all over her arm that were pure white in comparison to her extremely dark skin.  She had a giant patch of white on her elbow and it touched me a few times.  I'm not gonna lie I was having a little bit of an inward anxiety attack, thinking about whether or not it was leprosy or something. But there was a little kid sitting on her lap, so I figured he would have marks all over if it was contagious, thus I quelled my fears.   I thought maybe I could turn the bad situation of sitting next to a druggie into a positive thing, but she didn't have any hard drugs on her for purchase.  Lord knows I would have loved me some crack!!!!

I went with another Lonely Planet recommendation when I arrived in Puerto, Banwa Art House.  The place was incredible in comparison to what I was coming from. It was extremely clean, there was even hand soap dispensers in the bathrooms, the food was stellar, best Chicken Adobo ever, and the staff was crazy nice.   It was almost half the price of where I stayed in El Nido and it was at least 10 times nicer, funny how it works out like that sometimes.  Definitely stay there if you're passing through!

Puerto Princesa is a pretty interesting town.  The streets are lined with all these overstocked clothing shops that sell shirts, shorts, hats, flip flops, etc. for prices between 50 cents and 3 dollars.  The only bad thing is all the men's clothing were gigantic, so you either have to love baggy clothes or have a little extra weight around the waist, but considering I have the waist line of Jack Skellington, there weren't any bargains to be had for me.  I also had a zombie girl come at me with her hands out just moaning and latching on to me while I was buying headphone set #15.  I mean, use your words, the whole zombie thing just freaks me out.  I'm not going to give money to someone that just moans, so ask me for water or a pop tart or something.  

Is this real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.  Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see. I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy, because I'm easy come, easy go; little high, little low. Anyway the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me...

She's a killer queen.  Gunpowder, gelatine.  Dynamite with a laser beam.  Guaranteed to blow your mind.

Macau was my next stop, but I had to take two flights to get there.  My first flight from Puerto Princesa to Manila was at 6 in the morning, so I was planning to sleep at the airport to save a night's accommodation, although I wasn't sure it would be open 24/7 since it's a small airport.  The most likely scenario was that I would be sleeping on a bench outside the airport, hoping to not get mugged and or raped.  However, the lady at the hostel told me the airport would be closed, but I could just crash on a bed downstairs for free.  People are so nice in the Philippines! After I got to Manila, I transferred terminals, endured the worst airport setup ever and a three hour delay before boarding my flight to Macau.

The Philippines were the hardest country I've traveled by far, as there's no set route for backpackers.  If you don't book your flights in advance, you will struggle to find them cheaply and will likely end up boating.  I reckon I lost 1/3 of my time in the Philippines to traveling. To anyone visiting, I recommend picking two or three islands and getting flights between them in advance so you have more time to sight see.  Definitely an amazing place, with some of the nicest people you will ever meet.  I finally made it to Macau, but that's a story for another blog...

Random GoPros

You don't get sheets with the beds.  Before I started this journey, I probably would have considered that to be too sketchy and placed a tshirt down as a pillow cover...Now I just sleep on it, no worries.

In case you were wondering what it's like to watch it rain while in the ocean.  Also, about 2/3 down in the center, where there's the patch of blue, totally looks like a weird blue mask with a pair of blue lips...

Snorkel Selfie

Giant school of fish!

Camouflaged fish...can you spot it?

Since the moment I spotted you, like walking round with little wings on my shoes.  My stomachs filled with the butterflies, ooohhh and it's alright

Secret Cove

Just a pic to show you how massive the limestone cliffs are in The Secret Cove

The dim lit peacocks in the trees, they're hiding their eyes and their beauty, like me.

I miss this place already...

Moped, Boat, Bus, Cargo Ship, Jeepney, Speed Boat, Tricycle, Bus

After leaving Boracay, I wasn't 100% sure on where I was going.   My first step was to take a boat from Boracay to Caticlan and then find a bus going south to Iloilo.  All in all this portion took seven hours.  When I arrived in Iloilo, I had to get a tricycle (moped with a sidecar) to the port, which took another 30 minutes.  Luckily I was able to get the pier an hour and a half before the overnight boat left to Cebu (otherwise I would have had to take a combination of slow boats/buses over the course of 2 days). It was $2 extra to stay in the more comfortable tourist section for the 13 hour journey, but I'm too cheap for that and took the economy seat with the locals.  Do I look like I'm made of money?  After getting to Cebu, I spontaneously decided to go to an even further island, Bohol.

With the help of the awesome, super friendly locals, I was able to take a Jeepney (Basically an extended pickup truck with seats in the bed; They were left behind by the American Army and now serve as public transportation vehicles all over the Philippines...They are everywhere!) from Pier 5 to Pier 1 and catch a boat to Tagbilaran, the capital of Bohol.  I paid $5 extra for the speed boat, because it was already 11 and if I took the slow boat, I wouldn't get there until 5 and I didn't want to lose the entire day.  I had no idea where I was going to stay in Bohol, so I pulled up the Lonely Planet on my phone and found out there's a place called Nuts Huts in the middle of the jungle.  So after the two hour speed boat landed, I took a tricycle to the mall and caught a bus going north to a town called Carmen.  

It's all squalls and tempests on the path to chaos

This is how a professional travels...A professional backpacker that is

Far away, this ship is taking me far away.  Far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die.  The starlight, I will be chasing the starlight...

The Lonely Planet's explanation on how to get to Nuts Huts was simply to get on a bus heading north to Carmen, find the sign that says Nuts Huts and get off there.  The author didn't feel the need to state how far away it would be (1 hour), so I just sat there wondering, "Where the F am I?".  I wasn't feeling too confident about finding this sign, but the locals saw my lost puppy look and provided me with enough succor to get me there.  The bus was so packed that they just tossed my bags out of the window.  No one in the jammed aisle in front of me moved, so I figured I was supposed to follow suit, but as I started to make the akward climb they yelled at me and when I looked back, they were just like you don't need to climb out of the window you dumbass, there's a door two rows behind you.  In my defense, since when do buses have two sets of side doors that you can enter/exit from? Besides, I wanted to put my glutes on display as I exited the window.  I've spent a lot of time in the gym sculpting these buns, nearly everyone knows I only workout the glamour muscles (the ones that are visible in normal atire). And finally, even though I occasionally (pretty regularly) embarrass myself, I also realize that my life is infinitely more exciting due to my awkwardness.

After I got my sweet ass off that bus, I walked along the woodland path for about 20 minutes, ending up at a staircase containing about 100 steps, which brought me to the reception.  Past that were another 100 steps to the rooms.  Luckily they had an open bed, because if they didn't I was just going to pull out my sleeping bag and carry it into the woods, because my trip had just hit 30 hours and I was in the middle of nowhere.

Strangely enough, I was so excited to be settled that I decided to go do something.  Ergo, I walked back to the main road to catch another bus heading north to Carmen, so I could scope the Chocolate Hills, which is the most famous attraction in Bohol.  I was actually pretty impressed with myself, standing on the side of the road flagging down buses/jeepneys to get places like a local; Doing everything on the fly with no planning.  I really am a professional backpacker!  The buses were incredibly cheap, it was only 30 pesos (67 cents) for the hour ride to the Chocolate Hills.

The foggy silhouette...I love it

Science says the Chocolate Hills are the result of mineral erosion.  Local legend says they were formed by a giant's teardrops.  I think you know which version I believe...Giants! There were giant lizards, there were giant mammoths.  Are you telling me there weren't giant humans or giant ape-like creatures.  For all we know these hills were formed by the tears of a sasquatch.  I mean why was this sasquatch even crying in the first place? That's what I want to know.  Hmm what I was doing again, oh yeah writing a blog...We'll come back to this later

When she got stuck up there, it was catastrophic.  Her whining was really clawing at my sanity.  So I put my life on paws, and tried to whisk her down... When she still wouldn't jump I was like you must be kitten!  Alright, I'm done with this aristicatic tail meow...Even though it left you feeling pawsitively ecscatic... Am I right? Am I right?

The following day I tried to make a trip to see the tarsier, which is the second smallest primate in the world.  However, the Philippines are a heavily Christian nation and it was Holy Week (the week leading up to Easter), so everything was shut down on Holy Thursday and Good Friday.  Since I had two days to kill where I couldn't do anything or go anywhere, I worked out, read, watched movies, and made time lapses.  There was no wifi in the jungle, so I basked in the glory of nothingness.

Nuts Huts and the other stretches of Bohol I saw were what I thought the Philippines would be like, full of nature and adventure. The food was also glorious, there's no better breakfast to me than fresh mixed fruit with meusli and yogurt.  Perhaps the nicest thing was being able to eat healthy.  95% of food you order in the Philippines contains meat.  A typical breakfast here is rice with fried beef.  I tried to order mac and cheese at one point... It came with three kinds of meat.  I once ordered a vegetarian curry and was informed I couldn't order that, I could only order pork or chicken.  In other words my "every other day vegetarian" diet has turned into "I eat meat 3 times a day in the Philippines".

Sometimes a bro drinks a little too much and pees on a tree.  And sometimes that tree is a public playground and said bro gets arrested for indecent exposure and then has to introduce himself to everyone living within 400 meters of his apartment to inform them he's a sex offender...

Sometimes people refer to me as the GOAT...The Greatest Of All Time

Chopin - Nocturne in E Flat, Opus Nine, No. Two

I figured Saturday was my best chance to get back to Cebu, so I took a Jeepney to Tagbilaran for a mere 25 pesos and then took the slow boat back to Cebu to save myself the $5 from the speedboat.  When I arrived that evening I headed to a place called Sugbutel Family Hotel, that has a 136 bed dorm room, similar to what you find on the boats, except they are sectioned into either 8, 16, or 32 bed partitions.  My first night was in the 32 bed section.  The receptionist informed the only place to eat was the mall and I had to take a cab if I didn't want to get mugged, so I paid the dollar fare and ate some disgustingly unhealthy mall food.  The mall did house a grocery store though, so I stocked up on fruit, peanut butter, and bread so I could at least make my own breakfasts.  Peanut butter and banana sandwiches with an apple... delish.

There wasn't much to do in Cebu, especially during Holy Week, short of checking out it's oldest street and it's oldest fort, so I wasn't really able to accomplish much there.  My Italian friend Peppe had told me of a few waterfalls I could see and a place to snorkel, but I figured I'd save the cash since traveling between cities has been so expensive and I'd be doing both activities within the next few weeks anyways.  In other words, I was a waste of life in Cebu; I spent hours walking around town and my life revolved around eating my meals at the mall.  It was nice to live cheaply for a few days though.  Plus I got to watch the new Captain America movie for $4 in a nearly empty theater.  I love getting to nerd out!!!

Just a photo to show you how massive these liners are

When I took this photo I was wearing a t-shirt that said "Forecast: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" followed by an arrow pointing down....I wasn't wearing any pants

Filipino Graffiti aka Anime...If they created one of me it would be referred to as AnimeSean

One of the downfalls of giant hostel rooms is that you have to deal with people coughing (spreading germs) and snoring throughout the night.  When I woke up at 2 in the morning due to said snoring, here are the thoughts that filled my mind:

• What the hell is happening right now?  It sounds like a goat is getting slaughtered or Darth Vader is having an asthma attack.
• Get a private room, you selfish fucking prick.  No one wants to listen to you snore.
• Every time I hear you take a breath, I hope it's your last.
• I hope your heart explodes.
• If there was an option to play Russian roulette for a private room, I would squeeze the trigger and be happy with either outcome.

At 4 AM I couldn't take it any longer and retreated to the lobby.  Eventually I went back to the room and was able to catch a few hours of sleep.  Upon arising I pre-booked a hotel for Macau, because they have a ban on hostels/guesthouses/anything cheap.  The internet claimed the cheapest room you could get upon arrival was $190, but by prebooking I was able to get one for $140 after taxes.  A day in Macau is probably going to cost me more than a week in Cambodia, but I figured why not spend a night there, you only live once.  Besides I live by two rules "Respect for Women" and "Fuck it, I'm Rich". (I'm not actually rich... Unless you're an attractive lady, in which case you should know I'm the sole heir to Lowe's, the largest home improvement retailer in the world.)  I was also finally able to get a ticket out of Cebu, so I made my way back to Iloilo.

Tobias: Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea... (Arrested Development Reference, Drink!!!!)

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?  Well I'm here with you....

Cebu City Lights

I had to go back to Iloilo in order to catch a boat to Palawan, so I planned to be there for a night.  However, when I went to get my boat ticket, I was informed that the boat no longer ran on Thursdays and I would have to wait until Saturday before I could leave.  Thus I ended up having to stay in a town that literally has nothing to do for three days.  The other kickers? The boat that used to leave on Thursdays covered two nights on the boat and was $7 cheaper.  My new boat left early in the morning, so it only covered one night's accommodation.  So all in all, not only did I lose two days being stuck in a boring town, but I also lost a free nights accommodation and had to pay an extra $7 in the process.  It also meant 2 less days in Palawan, which meant I no longer had enough time to get my scuba diving certification.  

While we're piling on the pain.  The new bag I purchased in Vietnam started falling apart at the seams, a personification of it's owner.  It's currently held together by an elaborate series of knots, some dental floss, and a strategically placed piece of Velcro.  Someday I will learn the lesson to not be a cheap ass and buy genuine name brand goods...  The universe does seem to like making me suffer.  I hope everyone else is entertained by my misfortune, cus for me....it's a bitch

Best. Name. Ever.

Get me out of these cities!!!!!

I guess you could call this a fountain of...youth.  But seriously, why is this fountain full of naked children?  It's in the middle of a city... I mean for all they know there could be a registered sex offender less than 400 meters away

Since I had so much free time in Iloilo before my boat left, I purchased the first two Harry Hole novels, The Bat and Cockroaches.  I read The Bat in two days, so effing good!!! After 8.5 months of travel, it's nice to have a day where you can sit in a coffee shop, read a book and relax. Besides, bookworms = badasses.  I don't like to boast, but I can read nearly 20 pages per hour.  I may have also been so bored that I dyed my hair black...

The path to El Nido included a thirty hour boat and an eight hour bus.  It would be my second multi-day journey in as many weeks, but that's a story for another blog. 

Random GoPros

If you miss this sign you are so screwed!  You have to spot it and yell for the bus to pull over so you can jump off

The infamous Nuts Huts staircase

Snow Patrol - Chocolate

I understand the first three, but how else am I supposed to get rid of all these dead bodies?

Jeepney rides...One of the many reasons it's more fun in the Philippines!!!!!!

I'm a giant in the Philippines, I'm always too big for public transportation.  On the one hand I understand how it could suck to be tall, but on the other hand I feel like a god towering over all the puny humans.  Bahahaha evil world domination smiley

I was born by the river in a little tent.  Oh and just like the river, I've been running ever since....

Kung Fu Panda stands no chance against Gun Wielding Panda.... Sorry Po

Apparently Arthur was feeling blue....