Stinky Mama and the Hike of Death

Owning a house is far too strange a juxtaposition to my vagabond lifestyle, so we needed to do a second road trip to help me assimilate into adulthood.  Based on my ability to use the word juxtaposition, I'd say the assimilation is working!  Our second road trip began, ironically, with a flight.  We set off to Los Angeles so Sarah could partake in her fantasy football draft with a bunch of her college friends, whilst also allowing us to hang out with two of my bros - Bryn and Marc, who happen to live in LA.  Not a bad coincidence!  Sarah wasn't the only one who got to catch up with her friends, as I was also treated to a beach day with the man they call Avalanche Sanch.  I bet you're intrigued and want to know more, but you can't, because it's my blog and I call the shots!

After bumming around LA for a few days and catching up with my bros and our friends, we set out on road trip number two.  Except, we weren't alone this time.  As some of you know, I have a brother with a worse traveling addiction than my own.  Literally the only thing that separates him from a homeless drifter is that several of my siblings take him in for a few months each year.  So after driving from Kansas City to Seattle, Josh decided to fly down to Los Angeles and hitch a ride back up to Seattle with us.  He has a really tedious, demanding life.  The first stop on our journey was Sarah's college town of Monterey.  We spent the afternoon wandering around before grabbing dinner with one of Sarah's friends.  That night, we got to experience one of only two campsites of the trip that had a shower.  A shower that was only used by Josh.  On a seven day road trip.

Mt. Shasta, part of the Ring of Fire that borders the Pacific Ocean stretching across the Americas, New Zealand, and Asia

Josh is probably the only person I've ever heard others refer to as being cheaper than me, so he taught us his ways of camping frugality.  None of us had much camping gear outside of sleeping bags and tents, since we all flew in, so we made a few trips to some local Salvation Army's and the Dollar Tree to get the essentials.  Cooking pot - $2.  Spatula - $1. Lighter - $1. Can Opener - $1. Soap and Sponge - $1. Two-ply toilet paper - $1.  And yes, outside of food and water that is basically all you need to survive in the wild.

As we made our way through California, we made a few pitstops, but ultimately decided that the majority of stuff we wanted to do was in Oregon and Washington.  So with only the occasional stop to stretch our legs and check out random national parks/forests along the way, we drove to Crater Lake National Park in Oregon, which is supposedly one of the most beautiful parks in the country.  Now, some of you who watch the news may recall there were forest fires all over the Pacific Northwest this past year...  Well it turns out that the visibility at Crater Lake was about seven feet.  So we basically drove 800 miles to inhale smoke and see nothing.  On the plus side, however, we made a pretty sweet campfire and the smoke overpowered the musk from our un-showered bodies.  

The Lowe Bros have definitely pitched a tent or two...

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.  If you were the love, I'd be the desire.  If you were a castle I'd be your moat. And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float...

The visibility at Crater Lake was incredible.  It was clearly worth the journey....

If you look really hard you can se some ripples in the lake water

Several roads out of the park were closed or temporarily shut down due to the forest fires, so we ended up taking a pretty un-scenic drive around the lake to get back out to the main roads.  We were all pretty exhausted from the non-stop driving, but decided to forge ahead towards another national park that wouldn't be covered in smoke.  After much debate, we settled on a place called Mt. Hood National Forest, which was about two hours outside of Portland.  Luckily there were a lot of camping spots open and it was only $10 per vehicle with our National Parks pass.  Have I mentioned how much I love that pass?

In my opinion, the best feature of summer is the glorious quantity of daylight.  So even though we drove for what seemed like an eternity, we still had several hours of daylight to hike around the forest, gather some firewood, and set up camp before we needed to start our night time ritual of cooking dinner and drinking cheap wine...  And smelling terribly.

Oregon and Washington have the highest rates of Sasquatch sightings in all of America.  Am I a little ashamed that these are the statistics I'm familiar with?  Not. At. All.

Am I the only one that wishes we lived in some bad ass tree houses in the woods still?

Josh had a friend in Portland that was interested in showing us around, so we woke up early the next morning and made our way into the city.  I knew pretty much nothing about Portland, outside of it being full of hipsters and home to Voodoo Doughnuts, so we figured we'd start there.  The donuts were actually reasonably priced given that it's a touristy destination, but I'd say they were just average in terms of taste.  

After getting our sugary breakfast, we spent a half day exploring Portland, getting a used book from Powell's bookstore, scoping out the rose gardens in Washington Park, and viewing the city skyline from Pittock Mansion.  I would definitely go back to Portland and make a second attempt at going to Crater Lake in another year when the forest fires aren't so intense, but alas, it was but a brief stopping spot on our journey.  Upon departing Portland, we headed to one of the filming locations of a classic 80's movie - THE GOONIES!  So we loaded back up in our rental car and drove westward to Cannon Beach.

If I eat a voodoo doll...does that make me a cannibal?

Eerily similar to Lion Rock in Piha, New Zealand

I'm pretty sure One-Eyed Willy's treasure in there...

After hanging out and enjoying beach life, we made our way up to Olympic National Park in Washington.  Wow, talk about a beautiful drive!  Slightly more interesting than driving through the flat lands of Iowa and Kansas :).  Now here's the thing you should know about my buddy Olson.  He's a lying son of a bitch.  He hails from the Pacific Northwest and told us to check out Olympic National Park before going to Seattle.  Hike up to the Flapjack Lakes he said.  They're made of melted glacier water he said.  It can all be done in a half day he said.  It's only like five miles round trip he said.  

Let's just say we decided to double check with a ranger and he was like...It's over 15 miles round trip.  But I was committed damn it!  So we packed our lunch; A peanut butter sandwich, trail mix, and some granola bars.  I personally brought seven bottles of water, knowing that we would be hiking all day.  Sarah and Josh elected to take two bottles of water each.  I'm not sure what they were taught in Health class, but I am pretty sure I learned staying hydrated is essential to the human body's ability to stay alive. 

Our journey started off with a fork in the road.  Josh claimed that, according to the map, we could take either path as they looped together further down the road.  I thought we should go right; Josh led us left.  After a mile or two, we concluded that maybe we should have gone right.  Josh was ready to cut across a five stream split and hike upward to try and find the path, whilst Sarah and I discussed whether or not that's how people get eaten by bears.  Eventually we all agreed to head back to the fork and follow the correct path.  

I really need to live somewhere that has nature and no winter....

The bridge in the background is the path we were supposed to take...Instead we got lost as usual

Once we got back on track, we hiked several miles up to the trailhead for the Flapjack Lakes.  The signage pointed us towards the lakes, but didn't mention that it was four miles of vertical switchbacks that would decimate my desire to live.  Josh's vagabond lifestyle gave him an advantage, as he had spent the prior month hiking around national forests and had built up his endurance, so he was pretty much crushing us.

We occasionally took breathers whilst en route to soak up the scenery and throw down some granola bars for energy.  Surprisingly, Sarah and Josh's two bottles of water ran out relatively quickly into what was becoming a twenty mile hike, so I had to start sharing my water with them.  Did they want to carry any of the water? Nope.  They just wanted to drink it.  The water that I lugged all the way up, those bastards.   We finally reached a sign indicating that the Flapjacks were just up ahead, but it should really read: "There's still an hour left and this sign is just here to break you".

Oh it takes a fool to love you. It takes a fool to love you.  It takes a fool to love you. Oh an I'm just the fool for you...

Fool me once and it's shame on you.  Twice, and it's shame on me.  But fool me baby for the rest of my life and I'll be as happy as a foolish man can be...

Seeing this sign was one of the greatest moments of my life, until I kept hiking and realized we were still a mile away.

Is this view worth 22 miles and 50,000 steps to you?

At least when I look back on life I'll be able to recall the time I hiked over 20 miles to see this place, instead of recalling a time when I gave up and turned around.  

So, was it worth it?  Was I enamored by the splendor and beauty of the world around me?  No.  I pretty much just wanted to kick Olson in the face.  After hiking so far, I had to at least take a dip in the lake, so I stripped down and let the ice-cold glacier water cool down my body.  And as you all know, when my hot body enters any body of water, there's a risk it might just turn into a hot spring.  It's one of the many reasons the Spanish call me 'El Caliente'.  We also took the break to eat our paltry lunch.  I also had to resist the temptation to drink from our dwindling water supply after having the peanut butter sandwich stick to the roof of my mouth.

In the end, we basically hiked all day to spend thirty minutes at these lakes.  Luckily, going down requires a lot less energy, and my brain was too tired to accept signals from my body indicating it was in pain, so I slowly trotted on.  When we finally got to the main trailhead leading back to our camp, I might have cried a little.  You aren't supposed to gather firewood within a mile of the campgrounds, so we had to lug as much dry wood as our broken bodies could handle for the final mile.  When we finally made it back to camp, Josh and I drove into town to get some victory beers and snacks.  I purchased a bag of Doritos, which was basically the greatest thing any of us had ever eaten.  My body was so dehydrated, I couldn't even drink the beer without feeling like I was going to vomit.  It was a good reminder of how life can humble you.  Just one day of hard work and my body was broken...Too out of shape.  That night we also took fake showers by dumping river water over our shampooed heads and cleansing our body with wet wipes.

If a kid named Olson ever tells you to do a 5 mile hike... Go ahead and kick him in the face for me.

My house is safe and warm, but I was born to chase the storm.  Taking the whole world on with big old empty arms...

Alive in the age of worry.  Smile in the age of worry.  Go out in the age of worry and say, "Worry, why should I care?"

After passing out around eight o'clock and sleeping for eleven hours, we decided to drive into Seattle for the day.  After all, I technically promised Sarah I'd take her there as a Valentine's day gift.  But after about three hours of exploring, Josh's hatred of cities emerged and we figured we might as well leave for the Cascades National Park and find an open campground spot if we weren't going to spend the night in the city.  I figured finding a campground would be difficult since it was a holiday weekend and that assumption proved to be correct as every single campground we went to was full. 

Luckily, we ended up finding a random RV campground that also had a few tent spots about thirty minutes outside the park.  The prices were simple: $15 for one tent, $25 for two.  I wasn't about to spend an extra $10 dollars on Josh, so I made the call that we were sleeping 3 deep in our tent that night.  I got stuck with the middle spot since I was considered to be the cheap bastard that sacrificed everyone's comfort to save $10.  Listen, if you want comfort, carry your own cash dudes.  This campground also featured the second shower of our trip, which once again was only used by Josh.  Sarah and I had embraced our stank and didn't care if Josh had to smell us.

Someday I'll throw all my clothes in a rucksack again and take a cheeky wander...

We spent the next day cruising through the Cascades National Park, before driving back to Seattle so Sarah and I could fly back the next morning.  Luckily, Sarah was able to leverage her Hilton points for a free hotel room, allowing us to shower for the first time in over a week!  Our next big journey was a trip to Honduras for Sarah's 30th, however we didn't actually make it there....  But that's a story for another blog....


Random GoPros

It is the same with man as it is the tree.  The more he seeks to rise, the more vigorously do his roots struggle earthward, downward...Into the dark, the deep, into evil.

Here we go again, we're sick like animals, we play pretend.  You're just a cannibal and I'm afraid I won't get out alive. No I won't sleep tonight. Oh-oh, I want some more. Oh-oh, what are you waiting for? What are you waiting for?  Take a bite of my heart tonight...

Mama told me when I was young.  Said sit beside me, my only son.  And listen closely to what I say, and if you do this it'll help you some sunny day...

Oh take your time, don't live too fast.  Troubles will come, and they will pass.  You'll find a woman, and you'll find love.  And don't forget son, there is a light  up above.

And be a simple kind of a man.  Be something you love and understand.  Baby, be a simple kind of man.  Oh won't you do this, for me son, if you can...

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold.  All that you need is your soul.  And you can do this, oh baby, if you try.  All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied... Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself.  Follow your heart, and nothing else.   And you can do this, oh baby, if you try.  All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied...

Probably the cleanest wall in all of Seattle

Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

Who needs an RV or a hotel room or an Airbnb?  What could be better than camping beneath the stars and enjoying actual human interaction.

Sometimes a man poops in the woods.  And sometimes a man poops in his pants.

I'ma get you heart racing in my skin tight things, be your teenage dream tonight.  Let you put your hands on me in my skin tight things, be your teenage dream tonight. I'ma get your heart racing in my skin tight things, be your teenage dream tonight.  Let you put your hands on me in my skin tight things, be your teenage dream tonight!

Preparing Josh for his senior photos

I feel like if Josh concentrated hard enough he could have ignited the propane tank with his mind.

My heart skipped a beat and when I caught it you were out of reach.  But I'm sure, I'm sure you've heard it before.. Heart skipped a beat and when I caught it you were out of reach.  Yeah I'm sure, I'm sure you've heard it before...

Yeah my heart skipped a beat, and when I caught it you were on the beach.  And on the shore, I'm sure, I'll hold you forevermore.

Goonies never say die!!!!

Being a creepy weirdo runs in the family...

If only these poor bastards knew the hike that they had ahead of them.

I was like an ant in that forest

It'd be interesting to know the average happiness of people a thousand years ago.  And if people were happier back then...would today's population be willing to walk way from their possessions and cell phones for a simpler, but happier life?

I love this shot.  I feel like it's exactly how life is; You're vaguely aware of what's around you, but every moment is always moving too fast to hold onto...

My body tells me No-oooo, but I won't quit, cus I want more.  CUS I WANT MORE! My body tells me No-ooo, but I won't quit, cus I want more. CUS I WANT MORE!!!!!

I don't think your ready for this jelly, I don't ready for this, my body's too bootylicious for ya babe!  Move your body up and down, make that booty touch the ground!

Follow through, make your dreams come true.  Don't give up the fight, you will be alright.  Cus there no on like you in the universe.   And tonight, we can truly say, "Together, we're invincible!"

Niagra Falls and the Termite Room

Sarah and her sister decided to surprise their parents with a trip to Niagara Falls for their 30th wedding anniversary, so I finally found myself in Canada!  Now for those of you who are unfamiliar, let me provide you a refresher.  Canada is basically just a territory of the United States that we don't really want because it's cold and full of Canadians.  Canada is also known for it's unusually high violent crimes rate, which can be attributed to the fact that over 2/3 of their population are polar bears.  I believe it also serves as an entry point into Narnia, but what do I know, I'm not a scientist.  

But anyways.... Sarah and I flew into nearby Buffalo and took a cab across the boarder, whilst Sarah's parents drove from Connecticut, and Candice and Eric drove over from Maine.  Luckily no one ran into any issues getting there, although Candice was traveling with some four-day old, unrefrigerated pasta which I'm pretty sure is not something that should be consumed by a human body.  Or even a raccoon's body.  I'm pretty sure a metal car basking in the sunlight does not offer the same level of food preservation as a refrigerator.  I don't understand why people don't listen to me, I'm basically a scientist.

We mostly just relaxed and hung out on the first night, but the next day we took a trip to Niagara on the Lake, which was a really nice town about thirty minutes past Niagara Falls.  To get there, we only followed one road that ran parallel to the river, so there were plenty of cool things to see along the way.  One such place was Fort George, which is a rebuilt replica of a fort that saw some action during the war of 1812.

For those of you who watched The Office - The Maiden of the Mist, where Jim and Pam got married!

They took all the trees and put them in a tree museum, but for a dollar and half you can pay to see them.  Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone.  They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

For those unfamiliar with the war of 1812, it's basically just another story about Canada fighting to become a part of the U.S. and the U.S. fighting ferociously to prevent that from happening.  The best part about visiting the fort - entry was free!  Apparently Canada values free access to educational opportunities for everyone... America values money.  Fort George also has a recurring musket firing demonstration, which is super entertaining.  I love it when you meet people that are genuinely passionate about their jobs, it makes all the difference.

We had a picnic for lunch in Niagara on the Lake before heading back.  Along the way, we passed about eight thousand wineries and finally stopped at a place that sold local honey.  This is either a fun fact or an urban myth, but apparently getting local honey helps minimize your allergies.  The idea being that the bees have collected pollen allergens and processed them in the honey, so the honey strengthens your immune system.  So if you suffer terrible allergies - go get some local raw honey!

That night we also had a fancy dinner in the revolving restaurant located at the top of Skylon Tower, was modeled after the space needle in Seattle, courtesy of Sarah's parents.  The views from the tower at night were wicked, because you get to see the falls from above when they are lit up in different colors.  We also decided to do a little gambling that evening.  Candice somehow won thirty dollars for getting five non-matching items on a slot machine.  I somehow lost when I got three of the money symbols on a different slot machine, but won when i got a vampire, werewolf, and a mermaid. I really don't know how those machines work.  Luckily Eric and I hit up the craps table later and I was able to recoup most of my losses.   And Sarah pulled through by winning a few dollars playing black jack so we ended up breaking even!

We decided to torture Sarah's mom with a speedboat trip along the rapids that form at the bottom of the falls!

The Niagara river, which serves as a dividing line between New York and Canada, features hydro-electric power plants for both countries.  This is a photo of one of the Sir Adam Beck Generating Stations on the Canada side.

The next day we decided to go back to Niagara on the Lake to do a speedboat tour along the rapids.  I'm not entirely sure Sarah's mom wanted to get on a boat that would be doing 360 spins and tearing through level 5 rapids, but I think she had a good time!  After the tour was finished, we did another picnic lunch and then did a mini hike along the river gorge.  I do have to say I was pretty impressed with how active everyone is over in Canada.  People were bicycling, hiking, climbing, and just enjoying nature in general.

For our last night, we decided to hang out and grab dinner at a Mexican restaurant.  Americans having a Mexican dinner in Canada.  Talk about celebrating the diversity of North America!  After supper, we went bowling and dominated some arcade games.  We pooled all of our tickets to get the premium prizes.   You all know what I'm talking about.  Premium prizes that included a plastic army dude, foam dice, and a Chinese finger trap.  The latter of which Eric tried to trade for a parachute man, but was refused since his fingers were already stuck in said trap... Apparently once a finger trap has been used, it loses all intrinsic value.   All of these items probably have a combined retail value of thirty cents, but cost us about $20 in arcade tickets.  

A little view of the Niagara River

A view from above the falls on the American side of the river

The next day we all had to separate and make our way to our next destination.  Eric and Candice started their journey back to Maine, Sarah's parents continued their road trip further into Canada, and the missus and I had to fly home.  Fly home and work on our house.  When will it ever end?!??!?!

In my last blog, I mentioned my favourite room in the house, the termite room.  I'm now going to offer you some advice.  If at any point in your life you are in a relationship and want it to end, drywall a room together.  I've done a lot of projects over the years; Installed laminate flooring, tiled kitchens and bathrooms, wired outlets, painted houses, assembled shitty ikea furniture... None of them compare to drywalling.  It is brutal.

A man's feeling ambitious.  He decides to take down some wood panelling.

A man finds termite damage.  He blames his girlfriend for wanting an insect infected house that was above their agreed upon price range.  He grabs a beer.

After a few more beers, he thinks to himself...I can fix this.  I'll tackle it tomorrow.

Three weeks later, he pays a contractor to fix it

But he installs the insulation himself, because he's a cheap bastard

He then tricks friend into helping him hang the new sheet rock with the promise of beer and pizza.  He also spake of a cake. But there was no cake,  the cake was a lie.

Man succeeds.  He spends hundreds of hours and dollars to fix room.  He also spends an additional thirty seconds and $8 to have a friend bring Nando's sauce from the UK as a surprise for girlfriend.  Girlfriend comes home from work trip and sees room. "Oooooh, it looks so good!".  Said girlfriend then walks into kitchen and sees the sauce.  "OH MY GOD, NANDO'S SAUCE!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!".   Man still doesn't know why he bothers.

Ahhh, but doesn't it look nice!!!

Luckily we were able to complete the room ahead of July 4th weekend, because pretty much all of my siblings decided to come back to KC.  Nothing like a little last minute spontaneous family reunion... See, booking travel on a whim runs in the family!  We also had a quick weekend trip out to Massachusetts to mourn the passing of Sarah's godfather the following weekend, so we were both able to see quite a bit of our families in a short period of time.  Sarah's dad met her godfather when they were walking around the outskirts of Boston as children, and decided to start throwing rocks at each other.  30 years ago kids could walk around at five years old and play outside without adult supervision.  Today, a ten year old can't even walk to school on their own without someone sounding the alarms.  This generation is going to be cotton candy instead of salt of the earth.

The missus and I spent the rest of our free time this summer road-tripping around the country, starting with a trip to Yellowstone and Grand Teton, but that's a story for another blog....

Random GoPros

Sometimes the best way to do lunch when traveling is to just grab some food from the grocery store and have a picnic.  

If you go to the falls, it's worth staying 'til the night when it's all lit up

Talk about a view at dinner!  The revolving restaurant in Skylon Tower

The ever elusive horizontal rainbow

The view along the Plymouth jetty

 Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

I'm just a man with a stick and some balls... 

When looking at Joe' s face, I can only imagine he is trying to comprehend why his daughter is still with me.  It's a look I see quite often from people, particularly when I speak.

The Byers Clan

Niagara Falls?  More like Viagra Falls when you're looking into the eyes of that sexy beast.

I'm free, but I'm focused. I'm green, but I'm wise.  I'm hard, but I'm friendly baby.  I'm sad, but I'm laughing. I'm brave, but I'm chicken shit.  And what it all boils down to, is that no one's got it figured out quite yet.  But I got one hand in my pocket, and the other is snapping GoPros.

I'm broke, but I'm happy.  I'm poor, but I'm kind.  I'm high, but I'm grounded.  I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost, but I'm hopeful baby.  Cus what it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine.  Cus I got one hand in my pocket and the other indulges in selfies.

What a bunch of Lowe-lifes....

When I look at this photo do I see the Lowe Bros?  Do I see a happy family?  Do I see incredible hair?  No, I just see a poster of Stallone punching Dolph Lundgren in the face.  Displayed as a symbol, nay as pillar of hope for all men, that they too may display their possessions in their homes.  No longer shall we be oppressed by women and forced to hide our movie memorabilia in the basement.  We must be strong, we must be united.  The Manimist movement is real!

Baby Ray took one look at that  Rocky poster and knew what he had to do... I can only imagine what would have happened had he seen the ninja swords.

Sarah was forced to have her first Yeti!  A Lowe family tradition

Soaking up the sights where the pilgrims first landed!