Suiting Up for Hanoi and Ha Long Bay

A wise Thai suit vendor once told me, "No suit, no life."  Thus after months of having no life, I finally manned up and made my way to Hoi An, which is the suit capital of Southeast Asia.  After taking an overnight bus to get there, Kaitlin and I met a Polish girl named Ewa, who was trying to go to the main backpacker stop, Sunflower Hotel, like us.  All the dorms were full when we arrived, so we ended up heading to a place next door.  After dumping our bags, we went out for a wander and I made it my mission to get a suit for $100 or less.

Destiny brought me to the suit lady I'd been waiting my whole life to meet.  She took my measurements and crafted a suit for $80 and an undershirt for $20.  Part of me was thinking about how purchasing a suit that I'm going to destroy is a huge waste of money, and I should just donate that money to charity instead.  However, I'm going to have some epic suit photos that will provide others with joy, so it all balances out.  I wanted to get either a pink or disgusting green suit, but the girls and my suit lady vetoed it, saying it would be too ugly and I should still get something I can use in real life, so I settled with a blue suit.  Psshhh whatevs, but at least now I can say I have a suit lady!  Sure she thought I was an idiot, but she loved me.

After I put in my suit request and Ewa put in a request for a dress, I went for a run while the girls went to do a little more shopping.  I ended up running to the beach and the girls turned up on bikes about 30 minutes later.  What occurred next was quite possibly the most impressive feat of physical greatness I've ever achieved, as I ran the 3.5 kilometers back to the hostel faster than the girls rode their bikes.  Sure they had to drop them off a half kilometer from the hostel, but still.  My cardio, after years of insubordination and resentment, finally achieved a new level of fitness, otherwise known as average.  

This life's too good to last, but I'm too young to care...

This is how I plan to spend most of my 40s

Too many tourists!!!

A pair of English girls I met in Cambodia, Sharon and Aman, were staying next door at Sunflower, so we all went out for dinner at a place called Morning Glory.  We also ended up meeting with another American, Mario, who had been travelling along the same route as Kaitlin and I, for some drinks that night.  The next day we picked up our new threads and went out for Kaitlin's birthday.  My suit was immaculate, perfection suitable for encapsulating the perfection it holds when draped around my body.  As soon as it touched my flesh every woman in Southeast Asia, nay the entire world, started to tingle.

Since my Laos girls were so good to me, taking me out for a birthday breakfast, I went out and got Kaitlin a mini birthday cake to give her a little taste of home.  The circle of giving!  We ended up going to a club called Volcano.  The bar deal you ask?  $3 for unlimited mixed drinks. .  I'm not talking unlimited drinks between 8-10 pm either, I'm talking all you can drink until 3 AM.  Yeah for a mere $3 you can get blackout drunk on bottom shelf Vietnamese vodka, whiskey, and rum.  It's pretty amazing really, I couldn't even get a single vodka red bull for that back home! Vietnam, you know the way to my heart...or at least the way to my corroded liver.

A few nights in Hoi An was more than enough as there's not really a lot going on outside of getting a suit or dress made.  Around this time Kaitlin's debit card and visa both stopped working, so our fates were tied as far as destinations since she has no money without me, thus we made our journey to Hue together.  Oh my little albatross.  Ewa, on her own dime, also went to Hue, so the two of us went out for some drinks that night since she was traveling to Cambodia the next day. 

Vietnam is pretty cool, the local beers change as you move along the coast, so we got to test out the three local beers for that region.  We set off to find some food round midnight but didn't see much.  However, as we were walking a moto passed us with a speaker blaring an endless repeating announcement that sounded exactly like Charlie Brown's teacher's mumbling.  Turns out he was selling steamed buns, which were being transported in the opposite side if the speaker.  You can't fight destiny, everything you need always seems to find you.

This was actually the least creepy statue I saw in Hue...

So sick of seeing animals packed into cages in Asia, it always brings me down

Holidays and public parks, I make all my friends after dark. So tell me how the future comes, it's the moments one by one.

Kaitlin and I decided to check out the Imperial Citadel the next day before taking yet another night bus, this time to Hanoi.  The Citadel was massive, having roughly a 10 kilometer circumference of fortification walls surrounding the complex.  It was kind of shocking when you walk in, because everything is written in grammatically correct English and there was even an 80 inch plasma playing a 3D construct movie of the complex and how it was constructed and used on a daily basis.  You can definitely tell Vietnam has a bigger tourism budget than the other countries in Asia.  

We ended up meeting a German couple as we were walking around, so we checked out the adjoining museum with them and then went out for a late lunch.  At the cafe we ate at, I also spotted two girls I had met in Cambodia, such a small world.  Our bus to Hanoi didn't seem to be in the greatest shape as it broke down 1-2 times per hour on average.  The journey was supposed to take 11-12 hours, but ended up taking about 16.  It didn't really matter though, as we weren't allowed to check into our hostel until 1 PM.  Se La Vie.

You can dress up like an emperor/empress if you have some cash.  I was too poor :(

I tried to put on the mask, but my head was too big...

The Downtown Backpackers is the place to stay in Hanoi, since the city has a curfew of 11 PM, so pretty much all the backpackers congregate there.  After meeting up with Kaitlin's friend from Canada, Aiden during our first night, we met up with the Danish girls from Saigon, Kristine and Stine, and two other Danish guys they met during their travels a few days later.  We went out for dinner and of course everyone got their meal but me :'(.  It was the second time that my meal had been forgotten that day, as my breakfast order never came either.  Apparently the universe felt the need to tell me I'm fat.  While waiting for our food, we kept being accosted by old ladies to buy donuts;  One of whom drew a reply of, "No thanks brah", from me, which delighted everyone at the table.  Apparently it's not appropriate etiquette to call a 70 year old local women bro.   

Ha Long Bay is one of the most famous places to visit in Southeast Asia, so I sold my body on the street for a few nights in Hanoi and procured a 2 day 1 night cruise for $75.  Not bad for a kid with a deformed nipple and no chest hair.  With everything in place, Stine, Kristine, Kaitlin and I were able to get on the same boat together!  The tour is heavily dependent on the weather, as the fog can be so overwhelming you can barely see any of the mini islands.  On the other hand, if you get a sunny day with blue skies, you'll have photos that can make even Bruce Jenner look human.  The weather we got was somewhere in between;  It was pretty foggy, but you could still enjoy the scenery.  Besides, do you really want to see every destination in perfect weather?  It was spooky cool to see the boats sailing into the mist.

Hanoi - 8 million people, 8 million motos

She will go down with her ship, like a good captain.  You're sitting on the dock playing for an audience of one...

And all my enemies, I want their eyes to see their captain walk the plank.  I'll destroy them rank by rank

That vessel looks like a rundown piece of ship

You essentially pay for the quality of boat as every tour does the same stuff;  You check out the main cave, do some kayaking off the boat, and otherwise sail through the rocks.  If you stay 2 nights, you can spend the second night on an island, but we didn't deem it worth the cost and seeing as the weather is foggy every day, I didn't expect it to be that amazing.  I knew we were in for a treat when Stine and I had to separate from the group before boarding our boat.  It turns out there is a 15 person limit for boats when leaving the harbour, so we had to get on a mini boat and have it transfer us to our boat after it launched from the dock. 

Once we got on board, we found that instead of having 2 rooms with 2 beds each, the three girls were now sharing a room with 2 twin beds and I was sharing a room with a smelly French bastard.  My worst fears were only reconfirmed when I entered the room and he told me we had to sleep with the window open, because he was afraid the boat would sink in the middle of the night and if the window wasn't open to let in water we wouldn't find out until we were at the bottom of the ocean.  Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore.  She loves salting my wounds, oh she enjoys nothing more....

I suited up for the night's festivities and got approval from all the women and even the gay guys on the boat, so apparently I am pulling it off.  We played the usual drinking games, which didn't work so great with 17 people, but I was able to enjoy some more girly cocktails with the girls since that was the special.  Luckily the boat didn't sink overnight, as I awoke into my drafty room to the call of breakfast.  I will give props to the cooks, because the food on the boat was pretty damn good.

That is one hard co... I mean rock

Totally looks like a pair of pirates sitting on the cliff edge.  One with legs, one with stumps

Me and my ladies!  Love is the coal that makes this train roll.  Let me be your everlasting light.

Google+ felt the need to add David Hasselhoff.  I can't blame them

When the tour concluded, we were taken to a coffee shop to wait for the bus to arrive to take us back to Hanoi.  The road back was pretty sketchy, as traffic goes both ways down the same lane, because the other half of the road is under construction.  So what happens next you wonder.  BAM, for the second time in a month, I was in a car crash.  Some dude started driving directly toward the bus and made no move to swerve out of the way and ended up swiping the side of the bus.  The car didn't even stop, instead opting for a hit and run, so our driver got out of the bus and started running after the car in flip flops.  I'm not exactly sure where he estimated his foot speed, probably somewhere between a snake and a mongoose... and a panther.  But alas, he wasn't able to catch his perpetrator.  Our bus was just stopped in the middle of traffic lane for about an hour, so traffic was getting backed up around us.  The solution, traffic moved over to the other set of lanes that were closed for construction...Only in Asia.  There's no rules out here.

Men follow me to victory, we'll drop their ships, we'll sink em fast.  For when our canons roar, their bodies dance ashore.  A pirate's life for me, I won't go quietly!!!

Sometimes I feel like one of these ships, drifting through the fog and into the unknown...Lost at sea

All that drama for one busted rim?

Sapa was my only remaining destination in Vietnam, so I booked a train to get there.  My first train on this trip!  How I lasted this long using only buses, I'll never know.  Sapa is the peaceful, scenic place to visit in Northern Vietnam, so I decided to do some trekking there.  It was there I made my journey to the highest mountain in Indochina, but that's a story for another blog...

Random GoPros

A mini-model in the park, it even replicates the amount of garbage surrounding the building to perfection

A model of the Imperial Palace during it's zenith

Life could be harder....

Ha Long Bay with Stine and Kristine

I'm on a cruise, I don't want to have to do physical labor.  Why you making me kayak bro?

You can't avoid it.  Even locked in my room on the boat, they find a way to hassle me to buy their overpriced goods.  If only the window was closed!!!

Making spring rolls!  Much like their creator, mine were the best looking ;)