The Thrillippines

My past two flights I went to the wrong place of departure
But I finally hit the mark like an expert archer
Thus I departed on the red eye to Manila
The place that Muhammad Ali nicknamed the thrilla
Oh baby this poem is all killa, no filla
You're in for a stone cold chilla

My toothbrush was stolen during the flight
Perhaps I'll be framed in the dark of the night
Nay, they likely wanted my DNA for a clone
Can you imagine a world in which a million Sean's shone?
All those six packs glistening in glory
Now that's a delightful end to this story

My German friend Max told me of a place to stay
and I left the airport without further delay
Thus with a sketchy hostel picked
I took a cab to the red light district
I'm not sure it gets more depressing than living on a street full of whores
But that's where I've wound up along these distant, dark shores


When the moonlight doth start to glow
They crawl from the shadows with boobies to show
Who knows how many jobs they've been paid to blow!
Now there is only thing that I trust:
If you have enough money, you can buy lust

Whilst walking through the streets that they own
If you're like me, you'll never feel more alone
For instead of a heart being grown
It hardens and sinks like a stone
Wondering if I have the same fate as Ted Mosby
Searching the world for a love that never will be

The staff at the hostel wanted to take my picture, probably because my body is more heavenly than scripture

 Oh sweet, glorious 7/11, my own little slice of Heaven

Finally a classy place in which I can eat! Hooters, the place where you see boobies when you take your seat...err I mean Hooters, the place with the good looking meat...errr I mean Hooters, the place to go for a tasty treat (whew, what a save, now time to behave!)

Since it was the birthday of our dear friend Max
We bought him beer for good cheer, a friend's birthday tax
Besides I don't think he wanted a sculpture of my earwax
Or a pair of my ingeniously weaved nipple hair slacks

We downed liters of a vile booze called Hurricane
Which has a side effect that none can explain
For it turns your poo ninja turtle green
A frightening sight I wish I'd never seen
Knowing those unholy remnants fell from my butt
Makes me wish I could sew that thing shut

We went to a dance club called The Black Market
Where I shook that ass, you know I don't park it
Wow that image is uncomfortably disturbing
It's shocking how my words are so oft perturbing
The cause of a thousand appetites curbing...


After a few more days of cutting loose
I decided to stop my liver's abuse
I didn't even know where to begin
I drink far too much and I'm way too thin
The devils on my shoulders keep saying I'll win
but I only seem to take it on the chin
Perhaps I should stop reveling in sin!

One of the girls at the hostel was on a quest to feed us
But the only thing she had to offer was a duck fetus
In the Philippines it's a delicacy known as balut
It's taste too pungent for even salt and vinegar to dilute
No one was willing to give it a try
But with a curdling stomach, I let out a sigh
For I do not live my life in fear
So I stabbed a piece and I drew it near
It tasted and smelled like a dirty diaper
I was convinced I'd finally paid the pied piper
Never again, never again. 
Please sir please, never again

Oh what the fuck, it's the fetus of duck!

It won't go to waste, just give me a taste!

To get out of town I needed to take a cab to the bus
But the cabbie ended up making a fuss
For there was a terrible accident the night before
But after day four of passing whore after whore
I had no desire to live anymore
So I took the bus regardless of what was in store

There were vendors on board selling trinkets I did not desire
And recalling buses in Bolivia, I reached for a razor blade wire
For when their exhausting sales pitches do not tire
I wish only for my last breath to expire
Even in poem why doth I sound so dire?
My soul, a raging torrent of fire

It wasn't long before I arrived at the port
I saw a little girl sniff and her nose contort
It didn't take long before she started to spew
It seems for a shower, I was overdue
But then again, that's nothing new
And also something you already knew

My destination was the island of Boracay
I could only hope that it wouldn't... bore a guy 
(How do I come up with gem after gem
from what part of my mind doth they stem?)

Whether I travel by air or land or sea
A greater joy there shall never be
For it is how, not what you see
That determines the happiness of thee
For anything is possible when ye heart is free!

Thus with ticket in hand, I boarded a gigantic liner
a ship to which every man has said, "I've seen finer"
Bahaha, I'm such a poetically, snobby whiner
The vessel sailed all night through the salty breeze
and I found that my eyes had closed with ease

But alas, eventually the sun did rise
It's scattered rays shattered the skies
Until it found itself smothering thine eyes
I rose to my feet and walked towards an island that trembled
For a greatness such as mine it hath never assembled
A perfection of beauty that cannot be resembled

You're never gonna get in my bed, if nothings what you got in your head

This boat is made out of rocks, sometimes I pee in my socks

Herein lies a statue of Mary, but it only makes me feel wary.  For I don't believe in religion. No, not even a smidgen

I could not have pictured a more touristy island
Not even along the great coasts of Thailand
I didn't come here to eat a Big Mac
I came to lure women into the sack
So if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back!

Twas an island I hoped to find myself sequestered
Instead it was by salesman I found myself pestered
But alas I broke from their boisterous prose
and squished the sand beneath my toes
and stared at the ocean's beautiful flows

I came to the island for it's famous sunset
But it was only clouds that I seemed to get
For my time on the island was marred with rain
Thus I wondered if I should remain
For to stay indoors would drive me insane!

How could I stare at a sky so melancholy
When I could bask in a scene much more jolly?
I did not know where else I should go
Flights were expensive, so my path would be slow
In boat, bus, tricycle, boat, Jeepney, boat, and bus did I stow
As I drifted anywhere the wind did blow

Um yum in the tum, Boracay Rum!

I was expecting a beach both white and clean, but when I arrived it was covered in green!

Perhaps writing a post in poem means I have too much time on my hands
But the buses are long in these distant, dark lands
Besides, regardless of what I endeavor
I occasionally have to remind y'all I'm clever
For through time and distance our communications oft sever
Our memories, well those shall remain forever

Getting to my next destination made me which I had someone to flog
But my friends, that's a story for another blog...

 Random GoPros

In the city you will find a tower, climb it and you will find your power

Under a strand of balls so bright, there is always food to delight

For packaged fish, I do not wish

What a disgusting spectacle, am I about to eat a testicle?

Under the skies you shall claim your glory, so why are you waiting to begin your story?

Finally a beach for relaxing, why is my life so damn taxing?