The Thrillippines

My past two flights I went to the wrong place of departure
But I finally hit the mark like an expert archer
Thus I departed on the red eye to Manila
The place that Muhammad Ali nicknamed the thrilla
Oh baby this poem is all killa, no filla
You're in for a stone cold chilla

My toothbrush was stolen during the flight
Perhaps I'll be framed in the dark of the night
Nay, they likely wanted my DNA for a clone
Can you imagine a world in which a million Sean's shone?
All those six packs glistening in glory
Now that's a delightful end to this story

My German friend Max told me of a place to stay
and I left the airport without further delay
Thus with a sketchy hostel picked
I took a cab to the red light district
I'm not sure it gets more depressing than living on a street full of whores
But that's where I've wound up along these distant, dark shores


When the moonlight doth start to glow
They crawl from the shadows with boobies to show
Who knows how many jobs they've been paid to blow!
Now there is only thing that I trust:
If you have enough money, you can buy lust

Whilst walking through the streets that they own
If you're like me, you'll never feel more alone
For instead of a heart being grown
It hardens and sinks like a stone
Wondering if I have the same fate as Ted Mosby
Searching the world for a love that never will be

The staff at the hostel wanted to take my picture, probably because my body is more heavenly than scripture

 Oh sweet, glorious 7/11, my own little slice of Heaven

Finally a classy place in which I can eat! Hooters, the place where you see boobies when you take your seat...err I mean Hooters, the place with the good looking meat...errr I mean Hooters, the place to go for a tasty treat (whew, what a save, now time to behave!)

Since it was the birthday of our dear friend Max
We bought him beer for good cheer, a friend's birthday tax
Besides I don't think he wanted a sculpture of my earwax
Or a pair of my ingeniously weaved nipple hair slacks

We downed liters of a vile booze called Hurricane
Which has a side effect that none can explain
For it turns your poo ninja turtle green
A frightening sight I wish I'd never seen
Knowing those unholy remnants fell from my butt
Makes me wish I could sew that thing shut

We went to a dance club called The Black Market
Where I shook that ass, you know I don't park it
Wow that image is uncomfortably disturbing
It's shocking how my words are so oft perturbing
The cause of a thousand appetites curbing...


After a few more days of cutting loose
I decided to stop my liver's abuse
I didn't even know where to begin
I drink far too much and I'm way too thin
The devils on my shoulders keep saying I'll win
but I only seem to take it on the chin
Perhaps I should stop reveling in sin!

One of the girls at the hostel was on a quest to feed us
But the only thing she had to offer was a duck fetus
In the Philippines it's a delicacy known as balut
It's taste too pungent for even salt and vinegar to dilute
No one was willing to give it a try
But with a curdling stomach, I let out a sigh
For I do not live my life in fear
So I stabbed a piece and I drew it near
It tasted and smelled like a dirty diaper
I was convinced I'd finally paid the pied piper
Never again, never again. 
Please sir please, never again

Oh what the fuck, it's the fetus of duck!

It won't go to waste, just give me a taste!

To get out of town I needed to take a cab to the bus
But the cabbie ended up making a fuss
For there was a terrible accident the night before
But after day four of passing whore after whore
I had no desire to live anymore
So I took the bus regardless of what was in store

There were vendors on board selling trinkets I did not desire
And recalling buses in Bolivia, I reached for a razor blade wire
For when their exhausting sales pitches do not tire
I wish only for my last breath to expire
Even in poem why doth I sound so dire?
My soul, a raging torrent of fire

It wasn't long before I arrived at the port
I saw a little girl sniff and her nose contort
It didn't take long before she started to spew
It seems for a shower, I was overdue
But then again, that's nothing new
And also something you already knew

My destination was the island of Boracay
I could only hope that it wouldn't... bore a guy 
(How do I come up with gem after gem
from what part of my mind doth they stem?)

Whether I travel by air or land or sea
A greater joy there shall never be
For it is how, not what you see
That determines the happiness of thee
For anything is possible when ye heart is free!

Thus with ticket in hand, I boarded a gigantic liner
a ship to which every man has said, "I've seen finer"
Bahaha, I'm such a poetically, snobby whiner
The vessel sailed all night through the salty breeze
and I found that my eyes had closed with ease

But alas, eventually the sun did rise
It's scattered rays shattered the skies
Until it found itself smothering thine eyes
I rose to my feet and walked towards an island that trembled
For a greatness such as mine it hath never assembled
A perfection of beauty that cannot be resembled

You're never gonna get in my bed, if nothings what you got in your head

This boat is made out of rocks, sometimes I pee in my socks

Herein lies a statue of Mary, but it only makes me feel wary.  For I don't believe in religion. No, not even a smidgen

I could not have pictured a more touristy island
Not even along the great coasts of Thailand
I didn't come here to eat a Big Mac
I came to lure women into the sack
So if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back!

Twas an island I hoped to find myself sequestered
Instead it was by salesman I found myself pestered
But alas I broke from their boisterous prose
and squished the sand beneath my toes
and stared at the ocean's beautiful flows

I came to the island for it's famous sunset
But it was only clouds that I seemed to get
For my time on the island was marred with rain
Thus I wondered if I should remain
For to stay indoors would drive me insane!

How could I stare at a sky so melancholy
When I could bask in a scene much more jolly?
I did not know where else I should go
Flights were expensive, so my path would be slow
In boat, bus, tricycle, boat, Jeepney, boat, and bus did I stow
As I drifted anywhere the wind did blow

Um yum in the tum, Boracay Rum!

I was expecting a beach both white and clean, but when I arrived it was covered in green!

Perhaps writing a post in poem means I have too much time on my hands
But the buses are long in these distant, dark lands
Besides, regardless of what I endeavor
I occasionally have to remind y'all I'm clever
For through time and distance our communications oft sever
Our memories, well those shall remain forever

Getting to my next destination made me which I had someone to flog
But my friends, that's a story for another blog...

 Random GoPros

In the city you will find a tower, climb it and you will find your power

Under a strand of balls so bright, there is always food to delight

For packaged fish, I do not wish

What a disgusting spectacle, am I about to eat a testicle?

Under the skies you shall claim your glory, so why are you waiting to begin your story?

Finally a beach for relaxing, why is my life so damn taxing?

Suiting Up for Hanoi and Ha Long Bay

A wise Thai suit vendor once told me, "No suit, no life."  Thus after months of having no life, I finally manned up and made my way to Hoi An, which is the suit capital of Southeast Asia.  After taking an overnight bus to get there, Kaitlin and I met a Polish girl named Ewa, who was trying to go to the main backpacker stop, Sunflower Hotel, like us.  All the dorms were full when we arrived, so we ended up heading to a place next door.  After dumping our bags, we went out for a wander and I made it my mission to get a suit for $100 or less.

Destiny brought me to the suit lady I'd been waiting my whole life to meet.  She took my measurements and crafted a suit for $80 and an undershirt for $20.  Part of me was thinking about how purchasing a suit that I'm going to destroy is a huge waste of money, and I should just donate that money to charity instead.  However, I'm going to have some epic suit photos that will provide others with joy, so it all balances out.  I wanted to get either a pink or disgusting green suit, but the girls and my suit lady vetoed it, saying it would be too ugly and I should still get something I can use in real life, so I settled with a blue suit.  Psshhh whatevs, but at least now I can say I have a suit lady!  Sure she thought I was an idiot, but she loved me.

After I put in my suit request and Ewa put in a request for a dress, I went for a run while the girls went to do a little more shopping.  I ended up running to the beach and the girls turned up on bikes about 30 minutes later.  What occurred next was quite possibly the most impressive feat of physical greatness I've ever achieved, as I ran the 3.5 kilometers back to the hostel faster than the girls rode their bikes.  Sure they had to drop them off a half kilometer from the hostel, but still.  My cardio, after years of insubordination and resentment, finally achieved a new level of fitness, otherwise known as average.  

This life's too good to last, but I'm too young to care...

This is how I plan to spend most of my 40s

Too many tourists!!!

A pair of English girls I met in Cambodia, Sharon and Aman, were staying next door at Sunflower, so we all went out for dinner at a place called Morning Glory.  We also ended up meeting with another American, Mario, who had been travelling along the same route as Kaitlin and I, for some drinks that night.  The next day we picked up our new threads and went out for Kaitlin's birthday.  My suit was immaculate, perfection suitable for encapsulating the perfection it holds when draped around my body.  As soon as it touched my flesh every woman in Southeast Asia, nay the entire world, started to tingle.

Since my Laos girls were so good to me, taking me out for a birthday breakfast, I went out and got Kaitlin a mini birthday cake to give her a little taste of home.  The circle of giving!  We ended up going to a club called Volcano.  The bar deal you ask?  $3 for unlimited mixed drinks. .  I'm not talking unlimited drinks between 8-10 pm either, I'm talking all you can drink until 3 AM.  Yeah for a mere $3 you can get blackout drunk on bottom shelf Vietnamese vodka, whiskey, and rum.  It's pretty amazing really, I couldn't even get a single vodka red bull for that back home! Vietnam, you know the way to my heart...or at least the way to my corroded liver.

A few nights in Hoi An was more than enough as there's not really a lot going on outside of getting a suit or dress made.  Around this time Kaitlin's debit card and visa both stopped working, so our fates were tied as far as destinations since she has no money without me, thus we made our journey to Hue together.  Oh my little albatross.  Ewa, on her own dime, also went to Hue, so the two of us went out for some drinks that night since she was traveling to Cambodia the next day. 

Vietnam is pretty cool, the local beers change as you move along the coast, so we got to test out the three local beers for that region.  We set off to find some food round midnight but didn't see much.  However, as we were walking a moto passed us with a speaker blaring an endless repeating announcement that sounded exactly like Charlie Brown's teacher's mumbling.  Turns out he was selling steamed buns, which were being transported in the opposite side if the speaker.  You can't fight destiny, everything you need always seems to find you.

This was actually the least creepy statue I saw in Hue...

So sick of seeing animals packed into cages in Asia, it always brings me down

Holidays and public parks, I make all my friends after dark. So tell me how the future comes, it's the moments one by one.

Kaitlin and I decided to check out the Imperial Citadel the next day before taking yet another night bus, this time to Hanoi.  The Citadel was massive, having roughly a 10 kilometer circumference of fortification walls surrounding the complex.  It was kind of shocking when you walk in, because everything is written in grammatically correct English and there was even an 80 inch plasma playing a 3D construct movie of the complex and how it was constructed and used on a daily basis.  You can definitely tell Vietnam has a bigger tourism budget than the other countries in Asia.  

We ended up meeting a German couple as we were walking around, so we checked out the adjoining museum with them and then went out for a late lunch.  At the cafe we ate at, I also spotted two girls I had met in Cambodia, such a small world.  Our bus to Hanoi didn't seem to be in the greatest shape as it broke down 1-2 times per hour on average.  The journey was supposed to take 11-12 hours, but ended up taking about 16.  It didn't really matter though, as we weren't allowed to check into our hostel until 1 PM.  Se La Vie.

You can dress up like an emperor/empress if you have some cash.  I was too poor :(

I tried to put on the mask, but my head was too big...

The Downtown Backpackers is the place to stay in Hanoi, since the city has a curfew of 11 PM, so pretty much all the backpackers congregate there.  After meeting up with Kaitlin's friend from Canada, Aiden during our first night, we met up with the Danish girls from Saigon, Kristine and Stine, and two other Danish guys they met during their travels a few days later.  We went out for dinner and of course everyone got their meal but me :'(.  It was the second time that my meal had been forgotten that day, as my breakfast order never came either.  Apparently the universe felt the need to tell me I'm fat.  While waiting for our food, we kept being accosted by old ladies to buy donuts;  One of whom drew a reply of, "No thanks brah", from me, which delighted everyone at the table.  Apparently it's not appropriate etiquette to call a 70 year old local women bro.   

Ha Long Bay is one of the most famous places to visit in Southeast Asia, so I sold my body on the street for a few nights in Hanoi and procured a 2 day 1 night cruise for $75.  Not bad for a kid with a deformed nipple and no chest hair.  With everything in place, Stine, Kristine, Kaitlin and I were able to get on the same boat together!  The tour is heavily dependent on the weather, as the fog can be so overwhelming you can barely see any of the mini islands.  On the other hand, if you get a sunny day with blue skies, you'll have photos that can make even Bruce Jenner look human.  The weather we got was somewhere in between;  It was pretty foggy, but you could still enjoy the scenery.  Besides, do you really want to see every destination in perfect weather?  It was spooky cool to see the boats sailing into the mist.

Hanoi - 8 million people, 8 million motos

She will go down with her ship, like a good captain.  You're sitting on the dock playing for an audience of one...

And all my enemies, I want their eyes to see their captain walk the plank.  I'll destroy them rank by rank

That vessel looks like a rundown piece of ship

You essentially pay for the quality of boat as every tour does the same stuff;  You check out the main cave, do some kayaking off the boat, and otherwise sail through the rocks.  If you stay 2 nights, you can spend the second night on an island, but we didn't deem it worth the cost and seeing as the weather is foggy every day, I didn't expect it to be that amazing.  I knew we were in for a treat when Stine and I had to separate from the group before boarding our boat.  It turns out there is a 15 person limit for boats when leaving the harbour, so we had to get on a mini boat and have it transfer us to our boat after it launched from the dock. 

Once we got on board, we found that instead of having 2 rooms with 2 beds each, the three girls were now sharing a room with 2 twin beds and I was sharing a room with a smelly French bastard.  My worst fears were only reconfirmed when I entered the room and he told me we had to sleep with the window open, because he was afraid the boat would sink in the middle of the night and if the window wasn't open to let in water we wouldn't find out until we were at the bottom of the ocean.  Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore.  She loves salting my wounds, oh she enjoys nothing more....

I suited up for the night's festivities and got approval from all the women and even the gay guys on the boat, so apparently I am pulling it off.  We played the usual drinking games, which didn't work so great with 17 people, but I was able to enjoy some more girly cocktails with the girls since that was the special.  Luckily the boat didn't sink overnight, as I awoke into my drafty room to the call of breakfast.  I will give props to the cooks, because the food on the boat was pretty damn good.

That is one hard co... I mean rock

Totally looks like a pair of pirates sitting on the cliff edge.  One with legs, one with stumps

Me and my ladies!  Love is the coal that makes this train roll.  Let me be your everlasting light.

Google+ felt the need to add David Hasselhoff.  I can't blame them

When the tour concluded, we were taken to a coffee shop to wait for the bus to arrive to take us back to Hanoi.  The road back was pretty sketchy, as traffic goes both ways down the same lane, because the other half of the road is under construction.  So what happens next you wonder.  BAM, for the second time in a month, I was in a car crash.  Some dude started driving directly toward the bus and made no move to swerve out of the way and ended up swiping the side of the bus.  The car didn't even stop, instead opting for a hit and run, so our driver got out of the bus and started running after the car in flip flops.  I'm not exactly sure where he estimated his foot speed, probably somewhere between a snake and a mongoose... and a panther.  But alas, he wasn't able to catch his perpetrator.  Our bus was just stopped in the middle of traffic lane for about an hour, so traffic was getting backed up around us.  The solution, traffic moved over to the other set of lanes that were closed for construction...Only in Asia.  There's no rules out here.

Men follow me to victory, we'll drop their ships, we'll sink em fast.  For when our canons roar, their bodies dance ashore.  A pirate's life for me, I won't go quietly!!!

Sometimes I feel like one of these ships, drifting through the fog and into the unknown...Lost at sea

All that drama for one busted rim?

Sapa was my only remaining destination in Vietnam, so I booked a train to get there.  My first train on this trip!  How I lasted this long using only buses, I'll never know.  Sapa is the peaceful, scenic place to visit in Northern Vietnam, so I decided to do some trekking there.  It was there I made my journey to the highest mountain in Indochina, but that's a story for another blog...

Random GoPros

A mini-model in the park, it even replicates the amount of garbage surrounding the building to perfection

A model of the Imperial Palace during it's zenith

Life could be harder....

Ha Long Bay with Stine and Kristine

I'm on a cruise, I don't want to have to do physical labor.  Why you making me kayak bro?

You can't avoid it.  Even locked in my room on the boat, they find a way to hassle me to buy their overpriced goods.  If only the window was closed!!!

Making spring rolls!  Much like their creator, mine were the best looking ;)

An Acidic Island and a Cambodian Car Crash

Upon leaving Koh Rong I was initially planning to do some volunteer work teaching English, mostly because my mother thought I should do some good for the world instead of just living for myself.  However, after doing some research, the general consensus was that it's actually bad to volunteer helping children because they just get taught the same material over and over.  In addition, some children are displaced from their homes and put into orphanages so they can be leveraged to generate more donation money from tourists.  It's apparently a very corrupt system, so I decided to keep up my journeys and bide my time for a better opportunity to do some good and hopefully redeem my diminishing soul.

After getting back to Sihanoukville, I made my way to the Vietnamese consolate, since you are required to get your visa for Vietnam in advance.  Since it took a day to get processed I had to spend two nights in town before taking a ferry to Koh Ta Kiev.  I ended up staying in an eleven bed dorm for three bucks a night, not too shabby!  I was highly anticipating Koh Ta Kiev as Max had been hyping it up as a paradise to disconnect from the world as there is no wifi and they only run power a few hours each night via generators. 

Did I give this bar my business and support the international need to make fun of Canada?  Of course!

Ten decisions shape your life, you'll be aware of five about.  So why not try it all, if you'll only remember it once?

The boat that I booked to the island doubled as a tour boat, so I got to participate in some free snorkeling on my way there.  You never really know where you're going or when you're getting there when you purchase transport in Asia, but that's half the fun.  Once I arrived, I searched for the cheapest accommodation possible, finding a hammock for $3.50 or a shared tent for $6.  The tents were already setup, whereas you could take the hammock an set it up anywhere.  I decided to go with hammock (mostly because I'm the cheapest human being alive) and found my own little private area overlooking the rocks.  In retrospect, there is also one very important factor that should go into choosing a hammock or tent.  When you meet girls and they flirtatiously ask you where you are staying, it doesn't impress them when you say, "I'm in a hammock, over some rocks".  You might as well have not tried striking up a conversation in the first place, because all conversations die upon that dire revelation.

The island was divided into two main beaches, Crusoe and Coral. I chose the former, which was having a 2 year anniversary party for 3 days/2 nights whilst I was there.  The island was one of the most amazing places I've been to in my life.  It's hard to explain, but it had a certain, unexplainable energy.  Normally I can only run for 20 minutes before wheezing and collapsing into a pile of pure uselessness and during my morning workout I struggle to get through 100 push-ups and sit-ups.  On Koh Ta Kiev I could run for 30 mins without feeling any level of fatigue and could do 150 push-ups and sit-ups...with energy to do more.  Heck, I even did the sit-ups without taking a break.  I didn't even have to poop during my first three days on the island, my body was using exactly what I was taking in with perfect efficiency.  On top of the amazing views and lack of poos, was the amazing food.  There were only three places to eat on the island, but everything I ate was fantastic.  If I was serious about writing a book, I would have stayed there for a month or two, it was exactly where I needed to be.  The only downfall of this place is that the Chinese purchased a 99 year lease to turn it into a resort island, so this paradise will soon be lost.

No roads, no tuk tuk requests, no sales pitches, just the ocean breeze and the squishy sand beneath your toes.

Look at all those fancy clothes, but these could keep us warm just like those.  And what about your soul, is it cold?  Is it straight from the mold and ready to be sold?  Cars and phones and diamond rings. Bling Bling.  Those are only removable things, so what about your mind, does it shine?  Or are there things that concern you more than your time?

On the first night of the birthday party, everyone started dropping acid (LSD).  Having never done any real drugs before I figured why not?  It was kind of a spontaneous, spur of the moment decision, but if I hadn't tried it, I would always wonder what it would have been like .  That's simply my curious nature, besides what better place to do drugs than on an island with no cops?  People were taking between 2-3 drops, but I figured if I am only doing this once in my life, i will do it proper.  Thus my tongue felt the tingle of three sweet drops.  I paid $15, but the dude could have asked for $50 and convinced me it was a great price, I have no understanding of what you are supposed to pay for these things.  At one point, my drink went down the wrong tube and I had to use every ounce of concentration just to breathe normally, as apparently I'd lost the functionality of my autonomic nervous system.  I was wheezing for air and thinking, "Holy fuck, I still have twelve hours of tripping before this stuff wears off".  

It wasn't long before the majority of people were on acid.  To put this in perspective, there were probably 100 people on this little island, with about 85 being present for this party.  I would estimate somewhere between 60-75 took LSD.  Anyone that didn't was still drinking and smoking; There was no one sober.  At some point in the night, a random group of Cambodian soldiers came over from the other side of the island and started to get drunk and smoke weed at the bar, with fully loaded AK47s dangling from their backs.  Of course if a battle broke out, you could always rent a homemade spear gun from the bar for $8.  You hear about what Asia is like, but until you are here, you really have no idea.  This place is insane.

Normally I leave my pursuits for the fairer sex out of my blog, mostly because women don't find me attractive (in fact I think most women are repulsed by my general existence), so there's not much to write about, but occasionally funny situations happen and the world deserves to mock me.  So here I am, tripping balls on acid and weed, while simultaneously rocking a nice alcohol buzz, when  I start chatting up a Swedish bird.  When she noticed I was dripping wet, she asked me if I'd gone in the water, which is famous because the plankton glow phosphorescent blue around your body when you swim at night.  I told her it was awesome and convinced her to give it a shot, but she wanted me to go with her.  After a brief swim we headed back and hung out for a little while longer and she was starting to talk about how she wished she never had to leave the island and how she should just forget about her boyfriend.  

After hanging out at the bar for a few more drinks, we eventually decided to go back for a second round of nighttime swimming.  Keep in mind, I don't have swim trunks on me, so I'm just taking off my pants and going in my underwear.  As we are swimming, we start to get a little friendlier, but she keeps freaking out about having a boyfriend, but at the same time, she was keen and kept telling me how beautiful I am (which in all fairness, I do look incredible, I think most women are entranced by my general existence). But eventually she decided that she just couldn't cheat on her boyfriend, which in all fairness was the smart decision, because she would never have seen me again after that island and at this point I still had yet to learn her name (I was impaired, give me a break...I'm only a slightly... Ok, mostly terrible person). Twas also during this time I also learned that LSD does not impair your libido, as I felt a rush of blood to both my heads.  So here I am standing this phosphorescent plankton water, with a massive erection, bringing a whole new meaning to the term, "Blue Balls".  Did I retell this entire story, just to make that one blue balls pun?  Absolutely I did.

I stayed out at the bar until about 5 AM, partially because the girl I swam with wouldn't let me leave, but I did at least finally learn her name!  And partially because I was curious if the bar would ever close, which it did not.  It's pretty crazy, you don't feel tired even slightly after taking LSD and you can drink and smoke all night without issue (Sorry mom). Once I got back to my hammock and closed my eyes, shit went crazy.  I started to see microscopic Rubik's Cubes spiraling in patterns before turning into mathematical equations of multiple colors and diving into, what appeared to be, the code used to create The Matrix.  I'm pretty sure I also saw the answers to the universe and solved Fermat's Last Theorem.  Even crazier, I only needed one hour of sleep and awoke with no hangover.  

Though I cannot hear a word that you're saying, I can still feel you, feel the warm air. It travels from your whisper as I try to decipher the undecipherable.  So I'm waiting for you to lean in again, with those faint and precious sounds, I'll turn my head halfway and I will... I will swallow each one of them down and swipe the remaining thoughts from your lips. You're face so close, everything else eclipsed...

When the moon fell in love with sun, all was golden in the sky.  All was golden when the day met the night...

I wasn't the only one who had a crazy night either...Far from it.  One kid fell out of a tree house and messed up his back.  We were also worried he might have a concussion, so he stayed awake by continuously smoking cigarettes, while simultaneously coping with the pain via marijuana and tequila shots.  One of the bartenders had to go into the woods to puke at one point, but became nervous when his puke started moving, turns out he puked on a snake...and not just any snake, but a poisonous snake whose bit kills you in 4-6 hours.  He had to yell for one of the local guys to come and kill it while he stood with his flashlight over it.  I'm not even sure it was necessary to kill the snake, it was probably hallucinating from whatever was in that vomit and was incapable of hurting anyone.  The guy that sold everyone the acid apparently spent the wee hours of the morning dry humping and fondling what was quite possibly, if not likely, a shemale in the main area of the bar...luckily I left when I did, because I heard the stories and they were quite frightening.

Day two consisted of a special dinner/movie night. The dinner: chicken ganja soup.  It's just such a different lifestyle over here, it's eye opening to say the least.  They started out with an action movie, Elysium, before switching to a Romantic Comedy, which, as my fellow travelers know, are a guilty pleasure that I'm not even ashamed of.  Rom-Coms are delightful.  The movie was titled About Time, which is about a guy that can travel back to any point of his life and essentially have a "redo".  The apple of his eye?  None other than Rom-Com veteran Rachel McAdams...Wow, I should probably start watching more action movies...  Anywho, it was a pretty good flick, definitely worth RedBoxing.  The next movie that came on was Gravity, which I'd already seen, so I ended up retiring to my hammock to catch up on some sleep.

This massive spider was chilling in the jungle, easily the size of my hand...Err the left one, my right hand hasn't been the same....since the accident

What are you afraid of?  But more importantly, what are you made of?

3 restaurants and 1 Absinthe distillery, I'm glad this island has it's priorities straight

I left the island the next day, feeling a need to drink lots of water and purify my body.  I had to stay a night in Sihanoukville before making my way to Kampot, which is famous for it's pepper.  In all fairness, twas the best pepper I've ever had in my life.  I knew the trip would go well when about five minutes in, the driver stopped and pulled a nail out of the tire, but we got it patched and went on our way.  One of the big things to do in Kampot is to check out the Bokor National Park, so I decided to make a day trip out of it. 

There were so many people in our tour group that they had to put us in two vehicles.  About 12 people in a minibus and the remaining four of us in an old, beat-up Toyota Camry.  Every time we had a stop, we were worried the car wouldn't start back up, as it typically took 2-3 attempts before the engine finally revved up.  Our driver also didn't seem so comfortable behind the wheel and was taking turns with extreme caution for the first 15 minutes before finally getting into his groove.  Once we finally made it into the national park, I was expecting to see a forest with a bunch of wildlife, with some dirt roads running between attractions, but it was nothing like that at all.  Instead it was ultra toursity, with paved roads in lieu of forests and a brand new casino/resort hotel that was built by the Chinese.  The main attractions were a giant Buddhist statue, some dilapidated old buildings, a church, an abandoned casino, and a waterfall that contained no water.  

My memory card reader no longer works, so these last two pics are from my iPhone instead of the big guy.  Apologies for the drop in quality

Everything can change in a day...And you know, another one is always on the way

After a disappointing day atop the mountain, the real adventure came upon our departure.  The road winds down the mountainside via switchbacks that are quite steep.  As we were going down, I looked out the driver side window and noticed a hub cap was rolling beside the car.  Behind us cars were honking their horns, but our driver appeared not to notice.  I probably should have seen this as an omen of death and dismemberment, but I am so used to dodgy transportation that unless a wheel fell off, I'm not going to find the moment disconcerting.  However, after a few moments, I notice we are getting really close to the car in front of us and our driver starts to swerve around it, which is definitely reason for concern as we are going around a blind turn in the lane which belonged to oncoming traffic.  He just started saying, "Problem, problem!".  Why was he saying this?   Because the brakes to the car no longer worked.  Fuck.  My.  Life.

In desperate attempts to slow the car down he started swerving from side to side, looking for things to hit that would slow us down, but when you're descending a mountain, this little thing called gravity will fight you on that.  As we weave from side to side, gaining speed and momentum, I'm certain that the car is going to roll.  A few times it looked like he was either going to hit one of the boulders on the side of the road or drive us headfirst into a ditch for an epic crash.  After thirty seconds to a minute of this, he finally eyes up a guard rail and decides he's going to crash into it, switching phrases from "Problem, problem", to "It's the best way, it's the best way".  

He lined up to the guard rail with passenger side of the car and aimed for a head on collision, so my first thought was everyone on that side of the car was going to be impaled, but at the last second he swerved at the perfect angle, allowing the side of the car to catch on the guard rail and decelerate to the point of stopping.  Perhaps the most amazing thing of all is that no one was even hurt.  The damage to the car was actually pretty minimal, with the damage being constrained to one side of the car and the engine still in perfect condition.  If the brake failure would have happened in town, someone would have died for sure, as there would be no way to avoid tourists or tuk-tuk's and we would have had to crash into something much worse to slow down.  It was an absolute miracle that it happened where no other people could get hurt. 

After the crash we all had to crawl out of the driver side door, as it was the only one that was still functional at that point.  Our driver then called the other tour guide from the mini-bus, so we could be piled in there and get a ride back to town.  The final part of our tour included a sunset cruise that wouldn't start for a few hours, so we all grabbed a drink to settle our nerves while we waited for the boat to arrive.  After the cruise a few of us grabbed dinner and I eventually picked up the laundry I had dropped off that morning.  The best part about the end of my day?  The local pants I bought a few weeks ago happened to be purple and bled in the wash, so all my light colored shirts/underwear/etc. are now pink.  What can you do but laugh?  I'm officially about to make pink the sexiest color you've ever seen on a mudblooded Eurasian.  

The next leg of my trip involved heading to the small town of Kep and taking a boat to Rabbit Island, but that's a story for another blog.

Random GoPros

For $3/night this is what you get, a foam mattress on the floor with a mosquito net.  What more do you need?

An alcoholic always takes his life on the rocks.

My only showers on the island were swimming in the ocean.  Life is so much simpler than we make it out to be.

Just a simple hammock, but it was perfect for that island.  Best accommodation of my trip so far :)

There were so many small beaches that were completely private if you were willing to hike to them...such an amazing place.  I really did fall in love with this island.

View from atop the haunted casino

Because that's not creepy.  #SeannyDarko

The waterless waterfall aka waterfail

Fucking Toyota...Apparently they didn't tell Cambodia about the brake failure recall