An Acidic Island and a Cambodian Car Crash

Upon leaving Koh Rong I was initially planning to do some volunteer work teaching English, mostly because my mother thought I should do some good for the world instead of just living for myself.  However, after doing some research, the general consensus was that it's actually bad to volunteer helping children because they just get taught the same material over and over.  In addition, some children are displaced from their homes and put into orphanages so they can be leveraged to generate more donation money from tourists.  It's apparently a very corrupt system, so I decided to keep up my journeys and bide my time for a better opportunity to do some good and hopefully redeem my diminishing soul.

After getting back to Sihanoukville, I made my way to the Vietnamese consolate, since you are required to get your visa for Vietnam in advance.  Since it took a day to get processed I had to spend two nights in town before taking a ferry to Koh Ta Kiev.  I ended up staying in an eleven bed dorm for three bucks a night, not too shabby!  I was highly anticipating Koh Ta Kiev as Max had been hyping it up as a paradise to disconnect from the world as there is no wifi and they only run power a few hours each night via generators. 

Did I give this bar my business and support the international need to make fun of Canada?  Of course!

Ten decisions shape your life, you'll be aware of five about.  So why not try it all, if you'll only remember it once?

The boat that I booked to the island doubled as a tour boat, so I got to participate in some free snorkeling on my way there.  You never really know where you're going or when you're getting there when you purchase transport in Asia, but that's half the fun.  Once I arrived, I searched for the cheapest accommodation possible, finding a hammock for $3.50 or a shared tent for $6.  The tents were already setup, whereas you could take the hammock an set it up anywhere.  I decided to go with hammock (mostly because I'm the cheapest human being alive) and found my own little private area overlooking the rocks.  In retrospect, there is also one very important factor that should go into choosing a hammock or tent.  When you meet girls and they flirtatiously ask you where you are staying, it doesn't impress them when you say, "I'm in a hammock, over some rocks".  You might as well have not tried striking up a conversation in the first place, because all conversations die upon that dire revelation.

The island was divided into two main beaches, Crusoe and Coral. I chose the former, which was having a 2 year anniversary party for 3 days/2 nights whilst I was there.  The island was one of the most amazing places I've been to in my life.  It's hard to explain, but it had a certain, unexplainable energy.  Normally I can only run for 20 minutes before wheezing and collapsing into a pile of pure uselessness and during my morning workout I struggle to get through 100 push-ups and sit-ups.  On Koh Ta Kiev I could run for 30 mins without feeling any level of fatigue and could do 150 push-ups and sit-ups...with energy to do more.  Heck, I even did the sit-ups without taking a break.  I didn't even have to poop during my first three days on the island, my body was using exactly what I was taking in with perfect efficiency.  On top of the amazing views and lack of poos, was the amazing food.  There were only three places to eat on the island, but everything I ate was fantastic.  If I was serious about writing a book, I would have stayed there for a month or two, it was exactly where I needed to be.  The only downfall of this place is that the Chinese purchased a 99 year lease to turn it into a resort island, so this paradise will soon be lost.

No roads, no tuk tuk requests, no sales pitches, just the ocean breeze and the squishy sand beneath your toes.

Look at all those fancy clothes, but these could keep us warm just like those.  And what about your soul, is it cold?  Is it straight from the mold and ready to be sold?  Cars and phones and diamond rings. Bling Bling.  Those are only removable things, so what about your mind, does it shine?  Or are there things that concern you more than your time?

On the first night of the birthday party, everyone started dropping acid (LSD).  Having never done any real drugs before I figured why not?  It was kind of a spontaneous, spur of the moment decision, but if I hadn't tried it, I would always wonder what it would have been like .  That's simply my curious nature, besides what better place to do drugs than on an island with no cops?  People were taking between 2-3 drops, but I figured if I am only doing this once in my life, i will do it proper.  Thus my tongue felt the tingle of three sweet drops.  I paid $15, but the dude could have asked for $50 and convinced me it was a great price, I have no understanding of what you are supposed to pay for these things.  At one point, my drink went down the wrong tube and I had to use every ounce of concentration just to breathe normally, as apparently I'd lost the functionality of my autonomic nervous system.  I was wheezing for air and thinking, "Holy fuck, I still have twelve hours of tripping before this stuff wears off".  

It wasn't long before the majority of people were on acid.  To put this in perspective, there were probably 100 people on this little island, with about 85 being present for this party.  I would estimate somewhere between 60-75 took LSD.  Anyone that didn't was still drinking and smoking; There was no one sober.  At some point in the night, a random group of Cambodian soldiers came over from the other side of the island and started to get drunk and smoke weed at the bar, with fully loaded AK47s dangling from their backs.  Of course if a battle broke out, you could always rent a homemade spear gun from the bar for $8.  You hear about what Asia is like, but until you are here, you really have no idea.  This place is insane.

Normally I leave my pursuits for the fairer sex out of my blog, mostly because women don't find me attractive (in fact I think most women are repulsed by my general existence), so there's not much to write about, but occasionally funny situations happen and the world deserves to mock me.  So here I am, tripping balls on acid and weed, while simultaneously rocking a nice alcohol buzz, when  I start chatting up a Swedish bird.  When she noticed I was dripping wet, she asked me if I'd gone in the water, which is famous because the plankton glow phosphorescent blue around your body when you swim at night.  I told her it was awesome and convinced her to give it a shot, but she wanted me to go with her.  After a brief swim we headed back and hung out for a little while longer and she was starting to talk about how she wished she never had to leave the island and how she should just forget about her boyfriend.  

After hanging out at the bar for a few more drinks, we eventually decided to go back for a second round of nighttime swimming.  Keep in mind, I don't have swim trunks on me, so I'm just taking off my pants and going in my underwear.  As we are swimming, we start to get a little friendlier, but she keeps freaking out about having a boyfriend, but at the same time, she was keen and kept telling me how beautiful I am (which in all fairness, I do look incredible, I think most women are entranced by my general existence). But eventually she decided that she just couldn't cheat on her boyfriend, which in all fairness was the smart decision, because she would never have seen me again after that island and at this point I still had yet to learn her name (I was impaired, give me a break...I'm only a slightly... Ok, mostly terrible person). Twas also during this time I also learned that LSD does not impair your libido, as I felt a rush of blood to both my heads.  So here I am standing this phosphorescent plankton water, with a massive erection, bringing a whole new meaning to the term, "Blue Balls".  Did I retell this entire story, just to make that one blue balls pun?  Absolutely I did.

I stayed out at the bar until about 5 AM, partially because the girl I swam with wouldn't let me leave, but I did at least finally learn her name!  And partially because I was curious if the bar would ever close, which it did not.  It's pretty crazy, you don't feel tired even slightly after taking LSD and you can drink and smoke all night without issue (Sorry mom). Once I got back to my hammock and closed my eyes, shit went crazy.  I started to see microscopic Rubik's Cubes spiraling in patterns before turning into mathematical equations of multiple colors and diving into, what appeared to be, the code used to create The Matrix.  I'm pretty sure I also saw the answers to the universe and solved Fermat's Last Theorem.  Even crazier, I only needed one hour of sleep and awoke with no hangover.  

Though I cannot hear a word that you're saying, I can still feel you, feel the warm air. It travels from your whisper as I try to decipher the undecipherable.  So I'm waiting for you to lean in again, with those faint and precious sounds, I'll turn my head halfway and I will... I will swallow each one of them down and swipe the remaining thoughts from your lips. You're face so close, everything else eclipsed...

When the moon fell in love with sun, all was golden in the sky.  All was golden when the day met the night...

I wasn't the only one who had a crazy night either...Far from it.  One kid fell out of a tree house and messed up his back.  We were also worried he might have a concussion, so he stayed awake by continuously smoking cigarettes, while simultaneously coping with the pain via marijuana and tequila shots.  One of the bartenders had to go into the woods to puke at one point, but became nervous when his puke started moving, turns out he puked on a snake...and not just any snake, but a poisonous snake whose bit kills you in 4-6 hours.  He had to yell for one of the local guys to come and kill it while he stood with his flashlight over it.  I'm not even sure it was necessary to kill the snake, it was probably hallucinating from whatever was in that vomit and was incapable of hurting anyone.  The guy that sold everyone the acid apparently spent the wee hours of the morning dry humping and fondling what was quite possibly, if not likely, a shemale in the main area of the bar...luckily I left when I did, because I heard the stories and they were quite frightening.

Day two consisted of a special dinner/movie night. The dinner: chicken ganja soup.  It's just such a different lifestyle over here, it's eye opening to say the least.  They started out with an action movie, Elysium, before switching to a Romantic Comedy, which, as my fellow travelers know, are a guilty pleasure that I'm not even ashamed of.  Rom-Coms are delightful.  The movie was titled About Time, which is about a guy that can travel back to any point of his life and essentially have a "redo".  The apple of his eye?  None other than Rom-Com veteran Rachel McAdams...Wow, I should probably start watching more action movies...  Anywho, it was a pretty good flick, definitely worth RedBoxing.  The next movie that came on was Gravity, which I'd already seen, so I ended up retiring to my hammock to catch up on some sleep.

This massive spider was chilling in the jungle, easily the size of my hand...Err the left one, my right hand hasn't been the same....since the accident

What are you afraid of?  But more importantly, what are you made of?

3 restaurants and 1 Absinthe distillery, I'm glad this island has it's priorities straight

I left the island the next day, feeling a need to drink lots of water and purify my body.  I had to stay a night in Sihanoukville before making my way to Kampot, which is famous for it's pepper.  In all fairness, twas the best pepper I've ever had in my life.  I knew the trip would go well when about five minutes in, the driver stopped and pulled a nail out of the tire, but we got it patched and went on our way.  One of the big things to do in Kampot is to check out the Bokor National Park, so I decided to make a day trip out of it. 

There were so many people in our tour group that they had to put us in two vehicles.  About 12 people in a minibus and the remaining four of us in an old, beat-up Toyota Camry.  Every time we had a stop, we were worried the car wouldn't start back up, as it typically took 2-3 attempts before the engine finally revved up.  Our driver also didn't seem so comfortable behind the wheel and was taking turns with extreme caution for the first 15 minutes before finally getting into his groove.  Once we finally made it into the national park, I was expecting to see a forest with a bunch of wildlife, with some dirt roads running between attractions, but it was nothing like that at all.  Instead it was ultra toursity, with paved roads in lieu of forests and a brand new casino/resort hotel that was built by the Chinese.  The main attractions were a giant Buddhist statue, some dilapidated old buildings, a church, an abandoned casino, and a waterfall that contained no water.  

My memory card reader no longer works, so these last two pics are from my iPhone instead of the big guy.  Apologies for the drop in quality

Everything can change in a day...And you know, another one is always on the way

After a disappointing day atop the mountain, the real adventure came upon our departure.  The road winds down the mountainside via switchbacks that are quite steep.  As we were going down, I looked out the driver side window and noticed a hub cap was rolling beside the car.  Behind us cars were honking their horns, but our driver appeared not to notice.  I probably should have seen this as an omen of death and dismemberment, but I am so used to dodgy transportation that unless a wheel fell off, I'm not going to find the moment disconcerting.  However, after a few moments, I notice we are getting really close to the car in front of us and our driver starts to swerve around it, which is definitely reason for concern as we are going around a blind turn in the lane which belonged to oncoming traffic.  He just started saying, "Problem, problem!".  Why was he saying this?   Because the brakes to the car no longer worked.  Fuck.  My.  Life.

In desperate attempts to slow the car down he started swerving from side to side, looking for things to hit that would slow us down, but when you're descending a mountain, this little thing called gravity will fight you on that.  As we weave from side to side, gaining speed and momentum, I'm certain that the car is going to roll.  A few times it looked like he was either going to hit one of the boulders on the side of the road or drive us headfirst into a ditch for an epic crash.  After thirty seconds to a minute of this, he finally eyes up a guard rail and decides he's going to crash into it, switching phrases from "Problem, problem", to "It's the best way, it's the best way".  

He lined up to the guard rail with passenger side of the car and aimed for a head on collision, so my first thought was everyone on that side of the car was going to be impaled, but at the last second he swerved at the perfect angle, allowing the side of the car to catch on the guard rail and decelerate to the point of stopping.  Perhaps the most amazing thing of all is that no one was even hurt.  The damage to the car was actually pretty minimal, with the damage being constrained to one side of the car and the engine still in perfect condition.  If the brake failure would have happened in town, someone would have died for sure, as there would be no way to avoid tourists or tuk-tuk's and we would have had to crash into something much worse to slow down.  It was an absolute miracle that it happened where no other people could get hurt. 

After the crash we all had to crawl out of the driver side door, as it was the only one that was still functional at that point.  Our driver then called the other tour guide from the mini-bus, so we could be piled in there and get a ride back to town.  The final part of our tour included a sunset cruise that wouldn't start for a few hours, so we all grabbed a drink to settle our nerves while we waited for the boat to arrive.  After the cruise a few of us grabbed dinner and I eventually picked up the laundry I had dropped off that morning.  The best part about the end of my day?  The local pants I bought a few weeks ago happened to be purple and bled in the wash, so all my light colored shirts/underwear/etc. are now pink.  What can you do but laugh?  I'm officially about to make pink the sexiest color you've ever seen on a mudblooded Eurasian.  

The next leg of my trip involved heading to the small town of Kep and taking a boat to Rabbit Island, but that's a story for another blog.

Random GoPros

For $3/night this is what you get, a foam mattress on the floor with a mosquito net.  What more do you need?

An alcoholic always takes his life on the rocks.

My only showers on the island were swimming in the ocean.  Life is so much simpler than we make it out to be.

Just a simple hammock, but it was perfect for that island.  Best accommodation of my trip so far :)

There were so many small beaches that were completely private if you were willing to hike to them...such an amazing place.  I really did fall in love with this island.

View from atop the haunted casino

Because that's not creepy.  #SeannyDarko

The waterless waterfall aka waterfail

Fucking Toyota...Apparently they didn't tell Cambodia about the brake failure recall