Sapa

Vietnam had been amazing, but every place I visited seemed to be a big city, so I decided to head to the small town of Sapa.  Kaitlin and I booked a trek that included a home stay in a local village and the overnight train from Hanoi.  The tour left from a hotel/travel agency, so we were able to drop our bags and get a buffet breakfast before taking off.  Since the train was a few hours late, we started our journey at eleven instead of nine.

A group of locals joined us as we left the hotel to escort us to their village, giving us a chance to chat with them.  They all have excellent English, which they learn through a combination of school and constantly talking (trying to sell things to) tourists.  The path itself was pretty easy walking, since it was all downhill.  The views were absolutely amazing; I'd seen rice paddies in Indonesia, but they weren't anywhere near this scale.  It was the most beautiful scenery I found during my time in Vietnam.

Manliness aside...How precious is this little girl?!?!

The scenery looks amazing on a cloudy, foggy day.  I can only imagine what this looks like on a sunny one

Down in the valley with whisky rivers, these are the places you will find me hiding.  These are the places I will always go, these are places I will always go...

The situation did get super annoying when we stopped for lunch and it instantly became a giant guilt trip (trap), with our guide and all the locals telling us we needed to buy goods from them since they walked with us for so long.  Everyone knew it was coming, but it's still disappointing when it manifests.  We were also surrounded by a group of little girls that I'm convinced were zombies.  They moved by barely shuffling their feet and exhorted a steady, monotonous chorus of, "Buy from me".  No one leaves you alone, even when you ask them to, some of them even grab you, which to me is extremely disrespectful.  RESPECT THE BUBBLE!

Our initial group before lunch included a Welsh guy named David, A Dutch girl named Addowa, and an English girl named Eva.  But after lunch we were joined by a Chinese woman and a pair of deaf girls.  They're incredible, sometimes I get frustrated trying to communicate abroad, so I can only imagine what those two go through; Inspiring.  We walked for a few more hours before arriving at the homestay, where another Dutchman came into the fold, Roy. 

I never finish phrases I misspell, open arms and prison cells.  When I said I hate what I've become... I lied, I hated who I was

Just a kid with a mangled, tortured snake tied to a stick.  PETA would implode in Asia

If you were to imagine a homestay in your mind, you're probably thinking it involves staying with a local family that has no power or running water.  The one we stayed at not only had power and hot water, but also a pool table, television, and some of the fastest wifi I've experienced in Vietnam.  They even served us french fries as an afternoon snack!  On the one hand, some people may say that's not an authentic homestay, but I'd disagree with that. I'd rather see how people really live, rather than have them disingenuously put on a show to make a few extra bucks.  If they are evolving to incorporate modern technology, then so be it.  Besides, when you walk past a million power/phone lines, you'd have to be relatively naive to believe they live without such amenities.  

After dinner, our tour guide basically told us we couldn't leave and if we bought beer it needed to be from the local family we were staying with rather than the bar down the hill.  Breakfast the next morning was banana/honey crepes, so tasty.  We also got to eat a second breakfast with the family, which was much heavier.  There was a bunch of baconesque ham slices, a banana flower dish, rice, and leftovers from the previous night.  It's still weird for me that people eat soup, rice, and noodles for breakfast, but it takes all kinds in this world.  Once again our tour guide told us we needed to tip the family.  It wasn't long after this that the Chinese lady in our group told him he needed to back off and quit telling all the younger people in the group to buy things or give out tips, because they're poor as well and trying to stretch their money out as long as possible during their travels.  It was pretty awesome.

After breakfast we trekked through the mud to get to a waterfall that overlooked the valley.  After stopping there briefly to take a few photos, we hiked through an even muddier path in order to get to a small town to break and have lunch.   We were once again accosted to buy goods as soon as we sat down, what I wouldn't give to eat in peace...  I'm pretty sure there was supposed to be another hour of hiking after lunch, but we were shuttled back to the hotel instead.  Whatevs.

She better get in the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich when she's done tilling this field. #RespectForWomen

This is the way it was always meant to be

Apparently only one of us had the energy to make a kick ass pose at the top of the waterfall!!!!! Look at that hair and those forearms.  Those are the type of forearms that are meant to wield a lightsaber.   I would totally do me.

The next day I swapped to a cheap hostel and started searching for a new bag.  The backpack I had swapped with my broseph Josh was reaching a point where it was no longer usable.  I found one for $23, which was a pretty nice upgrade as the lifting strap, shoulder pad, side clasps, and three zippers were broken on Josh's.  I think Kaitlin was a little weirded out by how excited I was to get a new bag, but I don't buy stuff, so when I get something new it's the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.  

Later that afternoon we met up with Stine and Kristine, who had come to Sapa the day after us.  The three girls all headed back to Hanoi that night to catch flights to Indonesia, so we all said our goodbyes and I went back to my hostel room to celebra...I mean shed tears, in regards to their departure.  I also booked a trip to climb the highest mountain in the Vietnam/Indochina region, Fansipan.  The girls told me I should have joined them in Bali, because my life would go to shit without them.  Maybe I should have listened...

The tour was supposed to leave at 9:15 in the morning, but we didn't even leave the office until 12:15.  We were told the reason for the delay was because the train carrying a group of 15 Vietnamese people was late.  However, when we left the agency, we were dropped off at a hotel where all the Vietnamese people had been staying...since the night before.  Lying bastard.  In addition to the Vietnamese, our group contained Marcus from Norway and Tim, Sjoerd, Ilse, Dennis, and Pietsje from the Netherlands.

By the time we finally got to the mountain, it was 1:15 in the afternoon.  However, we were told we couldn't start hiking, because now the porters needed to eat lunch, so we sat around until 2.  We also discovered we didn't have a tour guide, just a group of porters that didn't speak English.  The seven westerners in the group were pissed about the late start and wanted to make sure we got to the camping grounds before the sun went down, so we ended up doing the entire hike on our own ahead of the porters.  Marcus, Tim and I were the first to arrive to camp at 5:30, with the others arriving at 6.  Some of the Vietnamese weren't as quick and had to spend a few hours hiking in the dark.  

And what if the mountain defeats you Gandalf????  Wow, a Star Wars and LOTR reference all in one post.  Don't come running too quickly ladies, wouldn't want you to trip over a Nimbus 2000...

Our campsite was really fancy

Day two required an early start, so we were roused from our slumbers at 6, fed breakfast, and then started hiking around 7.  Marcus and I were on a mission to get to the summit, so we hiked past the Vietnamese people that started earlier in the morning.  We ended up being the first ones to make it to the top, along with the fastest Vietnamese person who joined us along the way.  The worst part about getting to the top, was knowing that we had to go back down using the exact same route; There was nothing new or exciting to come on the descent, instead it was just a feeling of, "Can't we be done already?".  Tim and Marcus were so intent to get back to Sapa that they got lunch from a different group's porters and set off on their own. By the time the rest of us were served lunch, it was already 11:30.  After lunch I went to the tent where I had left a full bottle of water, but apparently one of the porters decided to take it for himself.  At least he left me the bottle that was 1/3 full so I wouldn't die of dehydration during the final 3.5 hour descent.

By the time I reached the finish, it was already 3 in the afternoon and I was hoping the rumors that a vehicle was waiting to pick us up were true. However, I soon realized every tour company had a van waiting but ours.  Thus I purchased an overpriced water and sat in my cold, sweaty clothes, while the wind pounded me for over 45 minutes before the rest of the group arrived.  The porter said transport would arrive in 5 minutes.  25 minutes later, when I asked him where transport was, he said, you guessed it,  "5 minutes".  All in all, I waited for 2 hours before getting a ride back into town.  Worst. Tour. Ever.  I could have done the entire thing on my own in a single day.

People always told me my head was in the clouds...If only they realized my limits were beyond the sky

Here's to the last time running through snow, cus my vault is full and my fire's bold

Vanquished

Though the tour sucked balls, we kicked ass!

We all went to tour agency upon arriving into town and demanded a refund because there were so many delays, the service was terrible in general, and there was no English speaking guide.  However, the dude running the place was a total asshole and kept trying to blame everything on the porter, even though he was the one in charge of transport and providing a guide, our two main complaints.  Eventually he just started yelling, "I NEVER GIVE MONEY BACK. NO. NEVER."  He had no concern about providing good service or having any level of customer satisfaction.  However, his decisions are his own, as is his karma.  Most agencies don't seem to care about positive feedback or improved performance in Vietnam, it's all about getting money in the short term;  Long term strategy does not matter.  

My shoes got so torn up during the climb that the heel was separating from the mesh on the sides, so I had to trash them.  The American girl in my dorm room also accidentally stole my contacts case when she left in the morning.  It sucked on multiple fronts as contacts are expensive, I have a limited supply with me, and it's quite difficult to find a lense case out here.  You can only get a case by buying a full bottle of contact solution, which is around $10.  The universe was putting me into a Depressean.

During my last day in Sapa, I had the pleasure of watching an old woman farmer sneeze (blow her boogers) directly into the street as I was eating lunch.  I took that as a sign to move on, so I booked the overnight bus to Hanoi, which also saved me from paying for that evening's accommodation.  The bus was supposed to get in around 7 AM, but I was awoken at 4:30 as the bus driver felt the need blare Vietnamese music at the highest volume possible.  The speaker was directly above my seat and even with my ipod on full blast, I couldn't block out the tune.  When I asked if he could turn it down, he just started yelling, "HANOI!" and pointing towards the ground.  Why being in our target destination meant he had to play that unholy music for 45 minutes on full blast will remain unknown to me.  I'm pretty sure everyone was up after the first nanosecond.  


I spent a night in Hanoi to catch up on my blog, wash my soaked clothing, and take care of a few other items.  My flight into the Philippines was my first since going from Kuala Lumpur to Thailand, which was the second flight in a row I'd gone to the wrong airport.  Ergo, I was hoping to fare better this time, but that's a story for another blog... 

Sexy Photo Shoot Time

SUIT UP!  Suit Up seems to be a suitable caption considering how well my new suit suits me.

Fansipan Fancy Pants!!!!

Great Suit, Great Life!!!!

The fastest men up the mountain!!!!

If you're thinking about what it'd be like to see me without the suit on...

There's no one I disapprove of or root for more than myself....

If you think of my nipples as eyes, my torso looks like a super creepy alien face...Look away before you get sucked in

Random GoPros

Sometimes I struggle to contain my excitement

Stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again.  I can't take the speed it's moving in.  I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in.  Don't think I couldn't ever understand. I tried my hand, tried honestly, I'll never stop this train!

I live in a city, but I belong in a field

Where are you now, oh where are you now?  Do you ever think of me in the quiet; In the crowd?

I took no mind altering drugs in Vietnam, you're welcome mom.

Don't get too excited, it probably just means I'm going to do heroin, crystal meth, or some really dangerous drugs you haven't even heard about while I'm in the Philippines

At least the guard rails are intact

Walk along to another day, work a little harder, work another way.  Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.  Gonna float on, maybe would you understand?

Walked on off to another spot, I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.  Do I want love? Do I need to know? Why does it always feel like I'm caught in the undertow?

The guy behind me is just like, why does this douche keep doing the Titanic pose... No one knows

Cuzco and Biking

When Josh and I arrived in Cuzco at 1 AM we found the cheapest hostel around - $8/night!  Luckily Peru is a little nicer than Bolivia, so my sheets were pube free.  At that point I knew better than to look under my sheets so i lifted up the smallest portion necessary to get in.  As my legs made their way to the foot of the bed they started scraping against rough objects, which I refused to look at.  I can only assume they were decaying remnants of past room occupants or David Bowie's toenail clippings.

When I awoke the next morning I was in need of a bowel movement and rushed to the community bathroom, where I quickly learned the toilet didn't flush.  My first thought was to get the water from the sink, so I could dump it into the back part of the toilet, providing it the necessary water to flush, but my hopes were far too high as the sink did not run either...  With the wonderful scent of turds in my nostrils, I went to my last resort - the shower.  As I started cranking the shower, I was thankful it actually worked, so I decided to test my luck and see if we had any hot water.  That ended up being the best decision ever, as I soon learned the hot water valve triggered the toilet water to fill and provided the sink with 11 seconds of water.  After freshening up, I was ready for breakfast.

My bro and I ventured into Cuzco to grab some grub and tour the city.  As I failed yet again to order my food in Spanish, Josh delighted in how awful my accent was and how no one ever understood what I was saying.  We also found a new hostel closer to where the rest of our crew was arriving the following day.  They weren't set to arrive until the following day, so we hit up an Irish pub for some grub and watched the Colts lose to the Ravens.  We then went back to our plumbing deficient hostel, where my bro decided to shave.  This time the water didn't run and the sink was full of what I can only hope was just his facial hair.   

Despite the mediocre accommodations, the views were ballin

The next day we grabbed our gear and trekked uphill to our next hostel, which was also $8/night.  We also met up with the rest of our crew, who for $60/night were living like royalty.  Those rich bastards had clean rooms, hot breakfasts, freshly squeezed juice, wifi, and TV.  Meanwhile, David Bowie's toenail clippings were incubating in my calves and Josh had become more tapeworm than human.   

(from left to right) My sister Les, her husband Craig, my broseph Bryn, and his girlfriend Joyce

With a full crew, we hopped around the city and Craig, who is a professional cameraman, started rocking some time lapses.  We also went back to our Irish pub for another dinner, where I questionably got a burrito infused with chili.  I could only hope our new hostel's plumbing could handle what the last one surely could not.  Josh and I also got to drink booze in front of those rich bastards, as they weren't altitude adjusted enough to drink alcohol yet.  Am I really that petty... absolutely I am.

After dinner we headed back to their hostel to meet our tour guide Jimicito, or Papapuma, as we would soon learn to call him.  He explained the plan for our four day jungle trek that would end in Machu Picchu.  He psyched us up and even gave us a refund for the rafting portion, which had to be cancelled since two people died a few weeks before.  The plan was to pick us up in an SUV and give us a ride to the bus, which would then depart to our starting point atop a mountain.  So when the SUV arrived the next morning we piled in and started our trip...or did we?

It turns out that most roads in Cusco are really just alleyways, so you often have to wait for other cars to pass through before making your way down them.  In one instance a car pulled in front of us and we needed to reverse back up the street, which caused the car to die.  Eventually we had to get out and push the car whilst in neutral so our driver could get the engine to turn, and after a few tries she started purring like a dying walrus!  About 10 minutes later we made it to the bus where about 20 other people were awaiting us. We soon learned that all the groups were being split up based on the number of days their trip lasted and what language they spoke.  We got one additional member for our crew - Kathryn, a veterinary student from Colorado.  

You fall, you die

As we made our Journey towards the top of the mountain, I noticed the bus driver genuflect and hoped that wasn't a foreshadowing of events to come.  When the bus stopped, we piled out so we could get equipped with full body gear, a helmet, and a bike.   So this is where I shamefully confess my lack of skill.  I never learned how to ride a bike as a child, and have maybe ridden a bike for 3 hours in my entire life.  So why did I agree to do a 41 mile bikeride down the side of a mountain?  I did this solely because my brother Bryn really wanted to do this trek and was super excited for the biking portion.  So not wanting to let down the asshole brother that should have, but didn't teach me how to ride a bike, I decided to embrace my stupidity, face my fears, and stain my underpants.

Before starting our journey, we are told to leave all our cameras and bags on the bus as we will make several stops to take pictures... We made 2 stops and took no pictures.  Now, when you look at pictures of the bike trip on the internet everyone is smiling and the sun is shining, but as you have learned, the Universe defeats me at every turn.  So as we start our journey, the rain is pounding so hard that we can't even see 10 feet ahead.  It was also insanely foggy, since at 4 miles up, you are basically in the clouds.

Though the weather was brutal, it will help me remember the story all the better

As we started our way down the mountain, I was delighted that I could stay upright, but was hoping we would get a break as we were basically biking through a hurricane.  About 20 minutes later, I realized that wasn't happening and figured if the biking didn't kill me, the resulting pneumonia surely would. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I got savaged by a wild dog that leapt out of the forest and made a play for Bowie's toenails.  Luckily I was able to evade it's assault and arrived at our first checkpoint.  So why exactly did we stop?  Because for the next portion, we would be biking through some mini-rivers and they wanted to make sure we kept our speed to avoid falling in.

Feeling confident at having not fallen off my bike, I rushed out to lead the pack, which I should have known would lead to a disastrous spectacle for everyone else to witness.  After making our way through three of the mini rivers, we started to make our way through some steep switchbacks (giant u-turns).  With everyone behind me, my bike slid out from under me as my back wheel fell off and I proved that even though my body is godly, I am still mortal.  Luckily I was able to control the fall, as it was about a 3 mile drop off the edge towards a certain death.  I also took the time to do a testicle check, as I was concerned one might exploded on impact, but luckily all three survived the fall.  That's right, when I refer to myself as being tri-ball it has nothing to do with a tribe.

My wheel was soon re-attached and I was on my glorious way.  I actually managed to catch up to a few people after 15 minutes or so, just as the weather cleared up and spectacular mountain scenery began sprawling before our weary eyes.  We finally made our way to our second stop before the finish, due to a bulldozer blocking the road.  I soon learned that the next portion of our journey was no longer on paved roads, but on muddy, pothole infested, dirt roads.  As this was the first time I would be biking on such a surface, I braced myself for the worst.

They're gonna catch you ridin' dirty!

After 20 minutes or so we got back onto normal paved roads, however it was but a brief stop before we faced more dirt.  There were also several other bikers stranded on the side of the road, due to broken chains.  I ended up catching up with Bryn and Joyce and as we wound through the pothole infested roads, I knew my luck was running out.   So after hitting a few more potholes, I flew off the bike and crashed into the ground for a second time.  I really wished we had video camera, because it had to have looked hilarious.  With no pride or dignity left, I toughed out the final leg and was ecstatic to reach the finish.  Luckily Joyce and Leslee packed plenty of food, so we were able to get some much needed grub while waiting to head to a local restaurant for a late, 3 o'clock lunch.  

Upon arriving, everyone took off their soaking wet clothes and attempted to dry them out since we still had another hour long hike to go.  During this time I also realized the body gear, which has likely never been washed, had stained my shirt and left me smelling like a sewer full of rotting onions.  After a typical South American lunch (soup, rice w/ meat, and some sort of lemonade), we grabbed our gear and headed back into the jungle to get to our first night's accommodation, which had one of the most spectacular views I've ever seen.  An amazing reward for a long day's journey.

Mountains, forest, rivers... I had no desire to leave

That night we were treated to dinner cooked by a local family and got to stay in their guest houses.  When the sun rose, we were ready to prepare for our second day's trek, but that my friends, is a story for another blog...