Machu Picchu

In ancient society, only the most powerful and revered individuals were allowed to climb to the peaks of Machu Picchu and reach true enlightenment; In modern times, anyone with 80 dollars is allowed that privilege.  It's hard to describe the feeling you get when you walk through the gates and see the ruins slowly unveiling themselves from the fog.  The greenness of the grass is unreal, almost appearing to be fake as no color could possibly be so crisp.  As you soak it all up, you forget about how tired you are from the hike, reveling in the fact that you're literally in the clouds.  You can look at the surrounding mountains to see where you started biking all the way to where you wrapped around the river and came up to the entrance.  Realizing how far you made it leaves you with a feeling of gratisfaction.

All those steps, all that pain... Definitely worth it!

After gathering our group, Papapuma started to give us a quick tour since he had to leave the ruins by 8 a.m. to catch a train back to Cuzco.  The ruins don't seem that large or intricate from the terraces, but once you get inside you quickly realize how expansive and complex it really is.  I could spend a lot of time describing it, but words can't do the justice that pictures can.

It's a pretty steep drop off the edge.  It's crazy how it's built along the edge of a mountain.

It looks entirely different in the morning, when it's still shrouded in fog

Regardless of the time of day, some views always look incredible

We started doing a recurring pose called BEAST MODE, coincidentally Craig no longer has a left ear.

I see one llama and one ass in this picture.

Machu Peekaboo!

Oh yeah, my name is Josh and I'm going to take a totally bad ass picture when Sean isn't around.  Then he'll see it a day  after we've left Macchu Picchu and he won't be able to take a picture doing this pose.  Then he'll be forced to use a picture of me looking awesome in his blog, while he forever regrets not getting to take that picture...
Yeah, fuck you brah.

Did I kill my sister for a $47 life insurance policy?  Find out in her obituary...

The bowl cut in mesmerizing HD resolution.  Look at that mustache and that prominent chin hair.  This is what a man looks like ladies, soak it up.

We also stopped briefly for breakfast in Papapuma's special spot.  Bryn had a traditional (and healthy) Peruvian breakfast of Lays potato chips with mustard.  

If you look at the first picture in this post you'll see a mountain peak behind Machu Picchu, which is known as Waynapicchu (alternatively Huayna Picchu).  Only 400 people are allowed to enter Waynapicchu each day, but we were lucky enough to get tickets.  Including the 1800 steps from the morning hike, it's a staggering 5000 steps to the top.  Knowing that my future self would be writing a blog about my journey, in which I would describe my physical greatness and beauty, I realized I had no choice but to make this ascent.  I was joined only by Josh, who wanted to make the journey since he skipped it on his first trip to Machu Picchu a few years back.

Kathryn also decided to make the journey, but once again left us in her dust.  Realizing I was yet again physically inferior to a girl, I debated taking the soft dive of oblivion off the edge of the mountain.   It can be an intimidating hike, as the only thing available to stabilize yourself is a piece of rope that's taked to the mountainside.  Barely being capable of putting one foot in front of the other, I asked Josh what A-hole came up with the idea to make all these god forsaken steps.  Thinking I was being literal, he responded, "The Incas, they made all of these ruins", in a tone that clearly implied I was retarded.  Fully accepting that I am retarded, I forged ahead.

We started at the right side of the ruins and worked our way up

There was randomly a cave that you had to crawl through

There were so many times along the hike that I wondered how my legs were still moving, feeling a level of physical exhaustion I never deemed possible.  But no matter how tired I felt, I knew that I wasn't going to stop until I reached the top.  Everyone has a mountain to climb whether it be physical or figurative;  This was mine and I was going to fucking own it.  So with each excruciating step I ascended towards the heavens, and when you get to the top... well there's not many feelings better than peering down at the clouds and realizing you're on top of the world.

It's good to be king

My body was trembling from exhaustion, but nothing was going to stop me from going beast mode.   

Too bad neither of us thought to bring water... sooooo thirsty

45 minutes to climb up and 30 mins to climb down in order to spend 30 minutes there... Was it worth it?  Absolutely!  Once we made it back to the main ruins we met up with the rest of the crew and enjoyed clif bars and other snacks for lunch.  Everyone was so tired from the hikes that we mostly ended up lounging around on the terraces.  After a few hours we decided we should head back down to Aguas Calientes to grab some pizza before taking a train/bus combination back to Cuzco.

The sign at the entrance/exit of Machu Picchu reads, "May peace prevail on Earth" in several languages... very fitting words for such a peaceful place

You all know how I feel about public transportation in South America, but let's just say that once again, everyone screwed me on the bus.  The 6 of us got seats next to eachother, 2 people per row.  So guess who gets stuck with the wheel well?  Yup - me.  This was after I had to sit on a separate bench from everyone at the train station and also a separate row on the train.  So what if my right foot smells like a decaying walrus, is that really a reason to.... alright, they were probably justified in their decisions.  After making it back to Cuzco late that night, we headed our separate ways.  The rich people back to their 5 star hotel, Josh and I to the closest 8 dollar/night hostel we could find.

We mostly bummed around the city picking up souvenirs the next day, before meeting up Kathryn and the Chileans for a few drinks and dinner.  We all headed back to our hostels pretty early since some people had morning flights, while the Chileans once again went out to the disco. Ahhh to be 19 and wasted.

A final beast mode photo to wrap up the trip

My flight wasn't until 4 o'clock the next day, so Josh and I bummed around the city for a while and ran a few quick errands.  He decided he was going to bus it down to the canyons before making his way up the coast to take surfing lessons and meet some friends in northern Peru.  Wow, he has a really rough life.  Before heading down to the main square to catch a taxi to the airport, I decided to enter a state of irrational panic and decided to convince myself I had lost my car keys, which meant I wouldn't be able to pick up my car when I got home, the car to which I have no spare keys.  I spent thirty minutes rummaging through my bags and running back to the hostel room I stayed in the night before to search for them.  With my hopes dwindling, I looked through my backpack for the sixth time and found them in a velcro sealed pocket, right where I specifically placed them in order to make sure I didn't lose them.  As the feeling of knowing I am an idiot became clear to me once again, I was snapped back into reality and realized my playtime was over.  As I flagged down a taxi and rode towards the airport, my mind couldn't help but wonder what my next adventure would hold...

As Rosa finished tidying up her room in the hostel, she glanced out the window and saw several pigeons congregating outside.  Unable to contain her curiosity, she slowly made her way to the roof to see what was happening.  As the cool breeze lightly swept the hair from her face, her eyes drifted towards the ground where the sewage from the hostel bathrooms pooled.  She gasped, staring in wonder as a single rose was blooming from the abyss.  Slowly shaking her head in disbelief,  Rosa was startled to see all the neighborhood dogs staring towards the sky in unison.  Lifting her eyes upward, she saw a single plane fading into the distant sky.  A small smile spread across her face as she softly whispered, "Gracias", while a tingling sensation dissipated from her body.

Ziplining and 1800 Steps

As the sunlight crashed into the dim lit room, Rosa's mind began to stir, half awake, yet still dreaming.  She was lying on the floor surrounded by her three cousins, aunt, and uncle.  She heard something crackling and plopping, her thoughts drifting towards eggs dropping into a frying pan.  Some vacant whizzing noises began and she imagined bacon sizzling, as a pungent smell began filling her nostrils.  After a few minutes she heard some water running...wait not running... flushing?  Another scent, the smell of Americano drew nearer, but this was no coffee.  As she stirred and lifted her head towards the doorway, she saw a slender silhouette look back and exclaim, "You're Welcome!" as it faded into shadow.

It had been an hour since I pooped in the hostel bathroom, which had no door and was just outside a room filled with a family of six.  I realized I had to go again, so I wandered back to that side of the hostel, but instead of turning right, I turned left.  I stumbled upon a crazy corner that was filled with 6 bathrooms, none of which had doors (WTF is going on with this place).  I stealthily pooped and snuck out again, but this time I was caught by Rosa's family and they hastily placed a lawn chair in the hallway to block me from returning... they only wished my bowels could be blocked so easily, bwahahaha.

Day three of the journey was all about one thing: zip-lining   This was probably the coolest individual activity we did along the jungle trek as we were gliding between two mountains, overlooking forests and a river.  We also picked up another member - Swiss Sandra, who was doing a 3 day tour, so her second day was our third.

An awesome way to start your morning!

We got a brief safety orientation and learned the proper way to decelerate, because if you brake in the wrong direction your hand will literally get ripped off.  As I stood there plotting Bryn's death, I suddenly realized I had zoned out the safety lesson and was now the most likely brother to die that day...  That smug bastard had won again.  We hiked up about 30 minutes to our starting point and got ready for our first launch. There were 6 lines total, the first 2 for practice and the last 4 for getting wild.

Josh waving goodbye...unfortunately not forever.  Seriously, when will I get to cash in on any of my siblings life insurance policies.

Sandra doing the Superman, which allowed you to go hands free, since the guide did the braking.  They were also willing to videotape the experience for you!

After zip-lining we took a bus out to some train tracks, where we spent a few hours walking through the rain until we arrived at our lunch spot.  When we stopped for lunch everyone wanted to grab a soda or water, which I ended up paying for.  I was waiting to hear "Oh, no you shouldn't be paying for our drinks, you can only afford to spend $8/night on your hostel".  But oh no, these a-holes see me in my $35 suit and think I'm made of money...  I took solace in the fact that every soda had expired 3 months prior.  Revenge was sweet, and only caused a mild tummy ache!

Walkin and Dancin in the Rain

For lunch we started with a simple soup, followed by some soggy french fries and some horrendously chewy meat, which I can only speculate was congealed llama hooves.  After lunch we had another few hours of walking along the train tracks before arriving at Aguas Calientes, the town that is below Machu Picchu.  We also caught a glimpse of the water and decided it was a good idea our rafting trip got cancelled as the water was crashing harder than me during our bike ride.

Two people died rafting the week before we arrived, definitely worth skipping

We were all pretty tired when we arrived, so we all grabbed hot showers before dinner, which was a big improvement from lunch.  We got to choose our soup/salad and entree, of which three of us chose the fried chicken...delicious.  A few of us also decided to check out the local market to do some shopping.  As Bryn and I procured matching fanny packs, I felt my masculinity hit a new high and the nearby women started to feel a slight tingling for the first time since the tragic loss of my hair.

The town of Aguas Calientes, which I believe stands for Water Heater

We made our way back to the hostel to play a few rounds of cards before leaving.  Josh had picked up a card game called Yaniv from his travels, so we went with that.  The basic goal is to get rid of your cards, so that the value of cards in your hand totals 2 or less.  After spending 5 rounds trying to get a single card below a 2, I pointed out how mindless this game was.  Josh proceeded to tell me that if it's preferable I could "mindlessly" bash my head against a wall for 15 minutes.  Deeply saddened, I curled up in the corner near the door and cradled my fanny pack, often referring to it as "my precious".  Several minutes later I looked up and realized everyone was still in the room, terrified to leave as I was blocking the exit.  Using my best gollum voice, I creepily exclaimed, "It rubs the lotion on its skin, precious" and crab scuttled my way out of the room.... No one has spoken to me since.

Apparently I'm the creepy one...

The next day we all had the pleasure of waking up at 4 am to walk about 20 minutes to the entrance to the stairs leading to Machu Picchu.  The Chileans decided to take the bus instead of climbing up all the stairs, but we wanted the adventure.  At 5 am the gates opened and we were on our way, with the other American in our group, Kathryn, deciding she was going to run to the top so she could be #1.  Josh and I realized we had anchors, I mean siblings, and proceeded to walk.

Occasionally the steps would cross paths with a road, giving you a brief chance to catch your breath. After about 200 steps, we lost Leslee and Craig.  After another hundred or so we lost Bryn and Joyce, but Josh and I kept going since we aren't complete pansies.  After a while the only thing lifting your legs is willpower, and your thoughts become both sporadic and disturbing.  I wonder if Tom Selek's mustache is made of rich mahogany?   What if you grew out a beard and shaved all of it except a strand along the left side of your cheek and then you just had this random 9 inch braid growing out of the side of your face?  Am I the only person here wearing a spandex unitard? I wonder if people think the unicorn on Bryn's fanny pack is more majestic than the one on mine? Holy Shit is that the top?!?!

In the morning everything is shrouded in an ominous fog

After 1800 steps, Josh and I reached the entrance of Machu Picchu, narrowly beating the buses and claiming our place as 5th and 6th in line.  After about ten minutes Bryn and Joyce arrived, getting the opportunity to join us in line as you have to be with your group upon entry.  After another ten or fifteen minutes, Craig and Leslee appeared, ensuring that our group was complete.  Fully assembled, we were ready to enter when the gates opened at 6 AM.  None of us were prepared for what we were about to witness, but that my friends, is a story for another blog...

Jungle Hiking

After getting a solid night's sleep, I was prepared for a long day of hiking through the jungle.  However, I soon realized I'd left all of my wet clothes out to dry... in the pouring rain...and I wonder why they call me SLowe.   We also got to experience coffee that was harvested directly from the forest with our breakfast, and for the second time that morning, I experienced an erection.   As we finished up our eggs and bread/jam, the ten year old girl from the family we stayed with decided it was a good idea to bring us the wild animal she caught that morning.

Crazy River Otter (and yes it took me 5 blog posts to realize i could enlarge pictures...screw you!)

My slightly less attractive brother, Josh, getting warrior designs painted on his face

After getting our faces painted we were ready to roll.  Our group divided into two factions, English speaking (American) and Spanish speaking (Chilean).  Since our tour guide had been calling us the pumas for the first day of the trip, the Chileans' tour guide decided to dub their group "the sexy pumas" to one up us.  To get my revenge I dropped a deuce on the narrowest portion of the trail so they would have to become the poo shoe pumas (Or simply the Poomas, if you prefer).  AMERICA!

Our large group and the local family we stayed with

Day two may have been my favorite day of the trip as we hiked through the jungle, around mountains, and had spectacular views of the river valley below.  You could even say they were...Amazong.  Alright, enough PUNishment, I'll get back to the story.  Our tour guide, Papapuma, gave us an overview of the land and explained that the ten year old girl, who caught the river otter, hikes 1.5 hours up to the top of the mountain to go to school every morning.  Realizing I was shown up by a little girl yet again, I plodded along in shame.

Take that little girl, your legs are too short to climb up here... bahahaha

If you fall, you die... unfortunately Bryn stayed afoot

As we hiked through the jungle we also saw some crazy, upside down flower that is used to create hallucinogens.  From reading my blog you probably realize that giving me drugs is a bad idea, so I was forced to trek on sober.  However I had heard that licking a toad can get you high, so I started to wonder...what about a giant snail?

For the second time that day, I found a meaning for the term, "snail trail"...   SNAILED IT!

After a quick stop in a town along the way for lunch, we were told we had an hour of downtime before we started up again.  Fearing we wouldn't get a chance to take some pictures of the river, Craig and I spent the entire hour trekking down a path to get pictures while everyone else napped.  It turned out the joke was on us, as the next three hours of the hike were along the river.  Universe 37, Sean 0. 

One of the many streams we crossed

Eventually we made our way to the other side of the river along a bridge I can only describe as being mildly stable as it swayed from side to side as you walked along it.  I hadn't seen girls swayed so easily since the last time I'd taken my shirt off.  After crossing (and grabbing a much needed gatorade), we made our way to some new terrain, which was basically just a rocky path along the river.  Once you get to the end of the path you get to cross the river again, only this time we were pulleyed across in a cart.

You fall in the river, you die... unfortunately Bryn made it across unscathed

After making it across, everyone was pretty exhausted, as we had been hiking for about six hours.  Luckily we only had 20 minutes until we reached the hot springs according to Papapuma... which, as we had learned to convert his time estimates, meant we were only 45 minutes away from the hot springs!  It was a glorious moment when we arrived, with the only downfall being you couldn't drink while in the hot springs.

When I heard hot springs I was thinking some pools of muddy hot water, but it was more like a resort!

As I slowly sauntered towards the hot springs, I worried about the repercussions of having two forces of scorching hotness drawing so close to each other.  I could feel the suspense building as all eyes approached my entrance, and as my left foot entered the water, I heard a collective exhalation from the crowd and the single caw of a condor, who was unsure if this sudden rise in temperature was a sign of Armageddon.  As my washboard abs graced the waters, a giant fog of steam spread throughout the mountains, allowing every animal in the forest to experience what it's like to be in a sauna.  At this point it was clear that if I stayed in those waters any longer everyone else would boil to death, so I had no choice but to get out and drink a beer instead, thus lowering my body temperature to a level mere mortals could survive.  

After hanging out in the hot springs for about an hour, we all got out and took the most amazing showers ever.  On the far edge of the springs is a landing where all the dirty pool water rushes out like a waterfall shower.  Luckily Leslee was on top of things and had enough shampoo and body wash for everyone.  Afterwards, we had a few beers and South American Doritos before electing to take a bus to to our hostel instead of spending another hour hiking (which likely meant 3 hours in papapuma time).

Luckily the rain didn't start until after our hike!

After getting dinner and a few beers, we decided it was time to have a dance off with the Sexy Poomas.  Little did we know, Josh had picked up all sorts of dance moves during his travels and our other American member, Kathryn, had mastered the creepy slow pelvic thrust.  With such a deadly array of moves, we lit up the dance floor... and by dance floor I mean the open area of the hostel that the roof didn't cover.  Not wanting to be shown up, the Chileans busted out dance moves that I can only describe as being Nsync.  There were no winners of the dance contest, but anyone watching can confirm there were clearly losers.

The sexy pumas tearing it up on the dance floor

After our dance off, a few of us decided to take it to the next level and hit up a disco club.  Craig tore it up crip-walking and the Chileans showed us their dance off moves were just the tip of the iceberg.  It was also during this time that we realized how Josh managed to afford all of his trips abroad, as he displayed moves on the stripper pole that I can only describe as being erotically charged.  Realizing that no nightmare could compare to what I had just witnessed and an overwhelming urge to burn the images from my mind, I decided to head back to our hostel and sleep it off.  We needed the rest as we would spend the next day zip lining, but that is a story for another blog.

Cuzco and Biking

When Josh and I arrived in Cuzco at 1 AM we found the cheapest hostel around - $8/night!  Luckily Peru is a little nicer than Bolivia, so my sheets were pube free.  At that point I knew better than to look under my sheets so i lifted up the smallest portion necessary to get in.  As my legs made their way to the foot of the bed they started scraping against rough objects, which I refused to look at.  I can only assume they were decaying remnants of past room occupants or David Bowie's toenail clippings.

When I awoke the next morning I was in need of a bowel movement and rushed to the community bathroom, where I quickly learned the toilet didn't flush.  My first thought was to get the water from the sink, so I could dump it into the back part of the toilet, providing it the necessary water to flush, but my hopes were far too high as the sink did not run either...  With the wonderful scent of turds in my nostrils, I went to my last resort - the shower.  As I started cranking the shower, I was thankful it actually worked, so I decided to test my luck and see if we had any hot water.  That ended up being the best decision ever, as I soon learned the hot water valve triggered the toilet water to fill and provided the sink with 11 seconds of water.  After freshening up, I was ready for breakfast.

My bro and I ventured into Cuzco to grab some grub and tour the city.  As I failed yet again to order my food in Spanish, Josh delighted in how awful my accent was and how no one ever understood what I was saying.  We also found a new hostel closer to where the rest of our crew was arriving the following day.  They weren't set to arrive until the following day, so we hit up an Irish pub for some grub and watched the Colts lose to the Ravens.  We then went back to our plumbing deficient hostel, where my bro decided to shave.  This time the water didn't run and the sink was full of what I can only hope was just his facial hair.   

Despite the mediocre accommodations, the views were ballin

The next day we grabbed our gear and trekked uphill to our next hostel, which was also $8/night.  We also met up with the rest of our crew, who for $60/night were living like royalty.  Those rich bastards had clean rooms, hot breakfasts, freshly squeezed juice, wifi, and TV.  Meanwhile, David Bowie's toenail clippings were incubating in my calves and Josh had become more tapeworm than human.   

(from left to right) My sister Les, her husband Craig, my broseph Bryn, and his girlfriend Joyce

With a full crew, we hopped around the city and Craig, who is a professional cameraman, started rocking some time lapses.  We also went back to our Irish pub for another dinner, where I questionably got a burrito infused with chili.  I could only hope our new hostel's plumbing could handle what the last one surely could not.  Josh and I also got to drink booze in front of those rich bastards, as they weren't altitude adjusted enough to drink alcohol yet.  Am I really that petty... absolutely I am.

After dinner we headed back to their hostel to meet our tour guide Jimicito, or Papapuma, as we would soon learn to call him.  He explained the plan for our four day jungle trek that would end in Machu Picchu.  He psyched us up and even gave us a refund for the rafting portion, which had to be cancelled since two people died a few weeks before.  The plan was to pick us up in an SUV and give us a ride to the bus, which would then depart to our starting point atop a mountain.  So when the SUV arrived the next morning we piled in and started our trip...or did we?

It turns out that most roads in Cusco are really just alleyways, so you often have to wait for other cars to pass through before making your way down them.  In one instance a car pulled in front of us and we needed to reverse back up the street, which caused the car to die.  Eventually we had to get out and push the car whilst in neutral so our driver could get the engine to turn, and after a few tries she started purring like a dying walrus!  About 10 minutes later we made it to the bus where about 20 other people were awaiting us. We soon learned that all the groups were being split up based on the number of days their trip lasted and what language they spoke.  We got one additional member for our crew - Kathryn, a veterinary student from Colorado.  

You fall, you die

As we made our Journey towards the top of the mountain, I noticed the bus driver genuflect and hoped that wasn't a foreshadowing of events to come.  When the bus stopped, we piled out so we could get equipped with full body gear, a helmet, and a bike.   So this is where I shamefully confess my lack of skill.  I never learned how to ride a bike as a child, and have maybe ridden a bike for 3 hours in my entire life.  So why did I agree to do a 41 mile bikeride down the side of a mountain?  I did this solely because my brother Bryn really wanted to do this trek and was super excited for the biking portion.  So not wanting to let down the asshole brother that should have, but didn't teach me how to ride a bike, I decided to embrace my stupidity, face my fears, and stain my underpants.

Before starting our journey, we are told to leave all our cameras and bags on the bus as we will make several stops to take pictures... We made 2 stops and took no pictures.  Now, when you look at pictures of the bike trip on the internet everyone is smiling and the sun is shining, but as you have learned, the Universe defeats me at every turn.  So as we start our journey, the rain is pounding so hard that we can't even see 10 feet ahead.  It was also insanely foggy, since at 4 miles up, you are basically in the clouds.

Though the weather was brutal, it will help me remember the story all the better

As we started our way down the mountain, I was delighted that I could stay upright, but was hoping we would get a break as we were basically biking through a hurricane.  About 20 minutes later, I realized that wasn't happening and figured if the biking didn't kill me, the resulting pneumonia surely would. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I got savaged by a wild dog that leapt out of the forest and made a play for Bowie's toenails.  Luckily I was able to evade it's assault and arrived at our first checkpoint.  So why exactly did we stop?  Because for the next portion, we would be biking through some mini-rivers and they wanted to make sure we kept our speed to avoid falling in.

Feeling confident at having not fallen off my bike, I rushed out to lead the pack, which I should have known would lead to a disastrous spectacle for everyone else to witness.  After making our way through three of the mini rivers, we started to make our way through some steep switchbacks (giant u-turns).  With everyone behind me, my bike slid out from under me as my back wheel fell off and I proved that even though my body is godly, I am still mortal.  Luckily I was able to control the fall, as it was about a 3 mile drop off the edge towards a certain death.  I also took the time to do a testicle check, as I was concerned one might exploded on impact, but luckily all three survived the fall.  That's right, when I refer to myself as being tri-ball it has nothing to do with a tribe.

My wheel was soon re-attached and I was on my glorious way.  I actually managed to catch up to a few people after 15 minutes or so, just as the weather cleared up and spectacular mountain scenery began sprawling before our weary eyes.  We finally made our way to our second stop before the finish, due to a bulldozer blocking the road.  I soon learned that the next portion of our journey was no longer on paved roads, but on muddy, pothole infested, dirt roads.  As this was the first time I would be biking on such a surface, I braced myself for the worst.

They're gonna catch you ridin' dirty!

After 20 minutes or so we got back onto normal paved roads, however it was but a brief stop before we faced more dirt.  There were also several other bikers stranded on the side of the road, due to broken chains.  I ended up catching up with Bryn and Joyce and as we wound through the pothole infested roads, I knew my luck was running out.   So after hitting a few more potholes, I flew off the bike and crashed into the ground for a second time.  I really wished we had video camera, because it had to have looked hilarious.  With no pride or dignity left, I toughed out the final leg and was ecstatic to reach the finish.  Luckily Joyce and Leslee packed plenty of food, so we were able to get some much needed grub while waiting to head to a local restaurant for a late, 3 o'clock lunch.  

Upon arriving, everyone took off their soaking wet clothes and attempted to dry them out since we still had another hour long hike to go.  During this time I also realized the body gear, which has likely never been washed, had stained my shirt and left me smelling like a sewer full of rotting onions.  After a typical South American lunch (soup, rice w/ meat, and some sort of lemonade), we grabbed our gear and headed back into the jungle to get to our first night's accommodation, which had one of the most spectacular views I've ever seen.  An amazing reward for a long day's journey.

Mountains, forest, rivers... I had no desire to leave

That night we were treated to dinner cooked by a local family and got to stay in their guest houses.  When the sun rose, we were ready to prepare for our second day's trek, but that my friends, is a story for another blog...

Lake Titicaca (hehe)

After my traumatic haircut in Uyuni, I was ready to get to our next destination, Lake Titicaca.  To get there my bro and I had to traverse another overnight bus ride,  during which I was 90% sure Satan had finally claimed my soul and started burning me in a mobile easy bake oven.  It was literally so hot that at one point I thought my pants caught fire... it was lucky I wasn't wearing them.  If I had, it might have brought new meaning to the word hot dog, if you know what I'm saying...yeah that's right, i made a wiener joke.  This blog is officially  NC-17.  Damn you Oprah.

After getting back to La Paz at 7 AM, we learned that our next bus to Puno left at 8, giving us just enough time to retrieve the bags we dumped at a local hostel prior to our venture to Uyuni.  Luckily no one stole my Space Jam dvd or my 98 Degrees t-shirt.  After gathering our things we went back to the bus station for what turned out to be the most tolerable ride of the trip.  About 2.5 hours into the trip everyone had to get off the bus so it could be ferried across the lake as bridges don't exist there.

South American transportation is epic!

After the crossing, we got back on the bus and drove to Puno.  Once there we made our way to the edge of the lake and hopped a ferry to the Isla Del Sol, which I believe is Spanish for a whale's vagina. Anchorman reference - Drink!

The highest navigable lake in the world

As Josh and I walked through the streets of this ancient town, I sensed something.  With a twitch of my nose and a perk of my ears, I knew what had happened.  Millennia of genetic evolution had given my ears the ability to hear certain things at a somewhat superhuman level, and as I looked to my left, my convictions held true.  I saw that Lake Titicaca had lived up to it's name, at least the first part...bwahahaha.

That's right, the sound I heard was that of the female breast being exposed to open air.  Now before you get too excited, let me explain how unglamorous this boob was.  This boob, was the that of an older local woman, who whipped it out to feed a child that in my mind was too large to be breast fed.  It was creepy and ruined the majesticity of my childlike enthusiasm for boobies.  And yes I wrote boob or boobies like 10 times just because I like saying it.  But regardless, Lake Titicaca proved true to it's glorious name, and I will always respect it for that.

After hanging out on the island for the night we decided to make our way to Peru, which meant we had to deal with a border crossing!  I made it through with no issues thanks to my imposing strength and perfect body (4% body fat).  My brother, who at this point i'm positive has worms, did not have the same luck.  Immigrations didn't stamp his passport at the airport so he had to deal with the border police.  As I'm waiting for him I notice that our bus is no longer in sight and we left all of our possessions on board, and I began to think... Thank GOD I am wearing my 98 Degrees t-shirt right now, I mean can you imagine losing something as irreplaceable as that?  After 20 mins of waiting, my bro finally appears and we can cross into Peru, where we have to go through yet another border check.  Luckily we spot our bus near the border patrol building and my bowels simmer down.

As we get back on the bus, I settle in and get comfy, for we were told when purchasing these tickets that this bus would take us all the way to Cuzco, our final destination.  Of course, I forgot this was South America and the universe was going to shit on my life again.  So about 2 hours in we stop at a bus station and get told we need to exit the bus and get on a smaller, local bus for the remainder of the trip.

As we enter this new bus, my brother takes the window seat in the front left row, leaving me with the aisle seat.  If his goal was to get me to want to kill myself, he most definitely succeeded...  For the next two hours I had to listen to locals scream sales pitches three inches from where I was sitting.  My A-hole brother knew that this would happen and intentionally sat there to make me experience this as it is another Backpacker's right of passage.  They also had no respect for the personal bubble, as they were constantly leaning into my legs, though I can't blame them as touching me means touching greatness.

After the sales pitches were over, our bus driver proceeded to get shit-faced with about 6 other dudes for the remainder of the trip.  Fortunately I had Big Willie Style on my iPod and was able to take my mind off such horrors. 5 hours and at least 3 rum bottles later we made it to Cuzco.  Of course we arrived at 1 AM,  three hours after our promised time of 10 pm.  We navigated our way to the cheapest hostel we could find ($8/night) and boy was it classy, but that's a story for another blog.

Salar de Uyuni

Ahhh the salt flats.  After the first bus ride from hell we arrived in Uyuni, which is basically the ghetto with limited power/hot water.  It was also dirtier and smellier than the sanchez fermenting on my face.  Eventually we made our way to the town center where all the tour guides are and locked in a 3 day all inclusive tour for the price of 750 bolivianos, which is roughly eleven cents.   The first part of your journey is gathering your crew and luckily ours was pretty cool.  We had Carolita the Argentinian, Mark the kiwi, Korean Kim, and the crazy Russians.  I'm not sure what our driver's name was, so I'll just go with Sloth since he drove like 3 mph the entire time.

I can't even begin to describe how crazy the Salar looks, I mean the only time I've ever seen anything this beautiful has been in a place called the mirror.  It's basically just an endless optical illusion where you never know what's real or fake...kind of like my blog?  Here's a few of my top pic(k)s:

This isn't an optical illusion, I'm just huge

My bro is really just standing like 10 feet back, but he looks like he's in my palm

The only negative about the salt flats was that we got there ahead of the rainy season, because in the rainy season the ground actually reflects the sky.  Be careful ladies, just the thought of me running naked through an endless mirror could impregnate you.  And now i'm going to take a moment to apologize to my sisters in case they just read that and for what's about to come.  Our next destination was fish island, where things got more than a little erotic:

Easy ladies, it's just my cocktus...i mean cactus

After all that action we made our way to our first night's hostel, which was made entirely out of salt.  I also got to enjoy my first cold shower of the trip, but at least I didn't smell like a rotting sack of yeti turds anymore.  In the morning we had our typical breakfast of stale bread, jam, yogurt, and coffee and went on our way.  Day two's views were amazing as we drove through mountains to various chemical lakes and geysers.  

The multi-colored chemical lakes were REDiculously incREDible

That's right, you just RED one of my dREDful puns. bwahahahahaha.  We also visited some geysers, where things got a little explosive.

I lack class, not gas

I may or may not have soiled my underpants whilst holding that pose... Day 3 wasn't as cool as the first two days, as we had to take the kiwi to the Chilean border and then spent the rest of the day driving back to Uyuni. Once we got back we immediately went to the bus station so we could get back to La Paz.  So here's the back story, before we left on our tour we talked to a lady at one of the bus stations and she said we could easily get a ticket the day of and we shouldn't purchase a ticket in advance.  So naturally when we get there every bus is sold out and we are stuck staying in a really classy $4 a night hostel.  As I lifted up the bed sheet i realized the thread count was 200, whilst the pube count was closing in on a 1000.  It was by far the most disgusting place I've ever been in and that includes Oprah's vagina.

I also earned what my brother called a backpackers right of passage.  I'm pretty sure everyone else just calls it diarrhea.  I became thankful that bus was sold out, as having the runs on a bus that stops once every 6 hours would not have been pretty... you might even say it would have been... Shitty.  bwahahahaha another one of my classic puns.  Apologies,  i'm feeling awfully punny at the moment.

As I sat locked in that butcher's chair, I watched the blades drawing closer to my face as my breathing became increasingly more shallow.  The stink of his sweat stained wife beater weaves through my nostrils as I gasp for every breath likes it's my last.  I've felt fear before, but it was but a shallow reservoir compared the vast ocean of terror in which I was treading.  I couldn't help but close my eyes as I felt the first cut, deep and quick.  I knew it would be at least three inches in length and would likely leave me scarred.  How did I end up here, what cruel fate was I about to endure?  I slowly opened my eyes and words cannot describe the desolation that I felt as my eyes locked in on what I had lost, pooling on the ground are my once beautiful Fabio-esque tresses.

To summarize that last paragraph less dramatically - I got a haircut.  In South America you are supposed to choose a haircut from pictures on the wall, but they had no mullets or anything cool, so I decided to ask for a trim.  As I don't speak spanish I made some gestures with my hands and let the barber get to work.  So how horrible did I look?  If you read my first blog you will remember that every female tingled upon my arrival, well after that haircut I'm pretty sure they lost the ability to ever tingle again.  It was basically like a bowl cut, if that bowl was a colander.  But for $1.40, what could I really expect?

After a long day, we got on our night bus back to La Paz.  I can only refer to this bus ride as Hell's Furnace, but that my friends is a story for another blog.