Lord Of The Rings Time!!!!!

As we made our way to Taupo, we also picked up 2 new crew members, Rik and Mikkel. These two unfortunate souls had to do their introductions to the group, which included stating what your pornstar name would be. Luckily Rik had been designated one by an American on his previous bus: Donkey Dick Rik. Mikkel wasn't missing out on the fun nicknames as James quickly noted his name was pronounced Smeagol without the S. Thus Smeagol and Donkey dick became part of our weird family.  

As we got into town, we noticed an outdoor gym area, so a few of the boys decided to get their pump on. Did I work out sleeveless in the cold?  Of course I did.  After working out, we decided to drink in the bar for most of the night in order to counteract any positive gain the workout may have yielded.  We also met another newcomer from Ireland, Tom.  The next day we made our way to Whakahoro, but not before passing through some Lord of the Rings territory! 

I will take the ring to Mordor and I will drop it into the fires of Mount Doom (I embrace my inner dork, no shame)

What a Bootyfull view, simply ASStounding! (Alright enough with the buns, i mean puns)

Our accomodation was a quaint, little ranch in the most landlocked portion of the north island. A few of us decided to go on a 2 hour hike in some borrowed boots from the ranch and ended up with a bunch of blisters the day before our 8 hour hike to the mountains.  But at least we got a little fresh air and were able to check out a little waterfall.

I said fuck you to my career so I could say fuck yeah to living life to the fullest

The top of the drop

Once we got back, my boys also had a clay pigeon shooting contest, with Ireland (James) besting Germany (Daniel).  And here I was thinking all the Irish were good for were drinking beer and eating potatoes...Actually I still believe that, Daniel is just a terrible shot and an even worse human being.  After the friendly competition, we loaded up on some lamb and roast veggies to get ready for our next adventure, the 20 kilometer Tangariro Alpine Crossing.  We also had to say goodbye for the first time as Cara, the only other American left us.  Thus Team America was dwindled down to the loneliest of numbers.

The hike started off pretty easily, with a lot of flat land and stairs, but it wasn't long before it started raining. By the time we made it to the base of the mountains it had started to snow pretty regularly and it would only get worse as we kept climbing. Eventually we got to a point where the mountain is so steep that we had to put crampons, which are basically just metal spikes that you attach to hiking boots for enhanced grip.  The higher we got, the worse the visibility became and eventually you could barely see a few meters ahead of you.

It was a snowy day on the volcano range

It was a ridiculous whiteout, couldn't see anything past 20 feet

We eventually made our way to the summit, solely for the purpose of saying we made it.  I'm sure a particular friend or two from work will be pleased to know that our guide referred to me as the snowboarder whilst I stood on the precipice. Surfer dude in America, snowboarder dude in New Zealand.  I guess I just have that vibe.  After hiking up that volcano range everyone was ready to have a little break and get some food, so we made our way to a crater.  While we were supposed to be eating, the guides started doing some avalanche checks and I had a little fun with my camera.

#truth

If you never try then you'll never know just what you're worth, so stir your weary soul and ignite your bones.   

Sorry I should have put a disclaimer that when I remove my shirt, it will also remove the breath from your chest. Was it really necessary for me to be shirtless up there?  Yes, absolutely it was.  The next part of the hike was painful.  There was some avalanche risk, so we had to keep stopping to cross over paths one person at a time, which takes forever when you have 20 people.  It was also around this time that the snow turned to hail and the only thing that kept me warm was my body shaking with laughter from seeing all the drawings of genitalia my comrades were making in the snow while waiting for their turn to cross.  Eventually the hail stopped pounding my face and the scenery changed dramatically. 

Somehow the path spilt out into hills overlooking a massive lake.  Of course that didn't last long as you soon descend down some stairs and end up in the middle of a rainforest.  Even after two weeks I am in awe of the raw beauty and diversity of this place.  As a wise man named Donkey Dick once stated, it's like Mother Earth made a greatest hits collection and called it New Zealand.  Actually, I made up that entire line other than the greatest hits portion, I just enjoy making you read the name donkey dick over and over.

You're worried about me being cold in the last picture?  Darlin you should worry about the snow, cus I'm so hot that it melted.

Volcano, plains, rainforest... all within 30 minutes of walking distance.  So beautiful

After making our way out of the forest, the hike was completed.  We were all soaking wet, cold, and hungry, but luckily for us the hiking company was on top of things and had an ice cold beer waiting for us. Good ole Stella Artois, one of my favorite ladies.

The tour company eventually took us back to the hostel and we made our way to our room, which appeared to be occupied as 4 of the 6 beds were claimed and there were three of us.  However, it turned out that only three of the beds were occupied and the fourth bed was just messed up because the kiwis threw all their shit up there. Of course I was the last one of us to enter the room so I got stuck with the shitty bed... Selfish German and Irish bastards!  

After dumping our bags, we headed to the hot tubs for some much needed heat and relaxation.  That hot tub was the most amazing place in the world, not because I was cold and tired from being hit in the face by hail pellets all day, but because I had a legit reason to take my shirt off again.  After a relaxing evening of drinking beer and watching rugby, we awoke the next morning and started to make our way towards Wellington, which is the capital of New Zealand.  But first we dropped off Susan at a farm and saw some newborn calves!

The Crazy Eyes Cow!!!! 

QUIT STARING AT ME!!!!!!

Words cannot describe the terror and love that I feel towards Crazy Eyes, but all good things must come to an end and I was forced to leave my fellow creeper behind.  Wellington was getting pounded by earthquakes in the days leading up to our arrival, but I didn't notice any that struck whilst there.  What I did notice was that Wellington is all about Lord of the Rings (I'm a nerd, deal with it!).  Karlyn took us past the giant green screen used for special effects and the production studio that houses three giant troll statues.

Not even the rabies could stop me from getting an erection at the site of these beautiful creatures

I can only imagine how many people wish this troll could actually stomp my face in

Unfortunately for me, the more attractive one is on the right.  :'(

After checking out the trolls, we went to the main museum in Wellington - Te Papa, which was amazing. Definitely one of the better museums I've been too and it was completely free.  That night we all got pretty drunk at the hostel bar because they had trivia and the prize was a $75 bar tab.  After winning under the team name "Lord of My Ring" (yes that means something naughty), we procured 15 shots.  A few of us also got up on one of the bar ledges and started dancing, making complete assess out of themselves... alright it was just me and Daniel.  I can't say I remember everything that happened, but I woke up alive the next morning with an acceptable level of hangover.  Which was great, since it was 6 am and the ferry to the south island left at 7. Would I survive the four hour voyage without vomiting?  That my friends is a story for another blog.

Group Photos:

Random GoPros

Wooden Pumbaa!

Beginning of Tongariro Crossing

Line em up!

Three Squirrels from Planet Erzz (Inside Joke for the Stray Group!)

This looks so Game of Thrones

Climbing with crampons and ice axes

The way down is always easier...until you fall and die. 

Time to Stray

Will dropped me off at a designated street corner in Auckland at 715ish AM for my Stray bus tour.  I anxiously waited for my fellow travelers to join me.  Unfortunately one of the first guys I met was German, but everyone else was pretty cool. I'm only kidding, I also hated the Irishman.  After a few of us assembled, our bus driver, Karlyn, showed up and told us it was his first day on the job.  For a second a few of us were nervous because he kept circling back to the same alley while we were picking up more passengers from their hostels, but it turned out to be because a girl no-showed. 

On our first day of the bus trip we did introductions to help break the ice and get to know each other.  I was the funniest and best looking, naturally (This is my blog, so this is the way it happened dammit! Just pretend it's true). So with 11 more friends than I've ever had in my life, we were on our way.  I was appointed to be the one responsible for counting to make sure everyone was on the bus...so unfair! The first day of travel was pretty chill. After exiting Auckland, we started to make our way to a surfer paradise called Raglan, but first we had to check out some scenery, including a waterfall!

Was I singing TLC Waterfalls in my head when I saw this? No, I'm way too cool for that... I was listening to it on my iPod

After arriving, we split up into rooms and I boarded with my newly found friends: Daniel from Germany, and James from Northern Ireland. The eleven of us and Karlyn made a group dinner and drank a few beers/wine together that night as well.  I made the mistake of getting a girly beer.  It was called Steinlager which translates to stone lager in German so I figured I was being manly.  Damn you universe, why do you hate me! At least the slim green can matched my thong, so that raised my spirits.

Daniel and another German, Tomas, went on a journey with me to catch the sunrise the next morning at 6 am, but we had no such luck.  I can't complain too much though, the view was still amazing.

Waiting on the sunrise

I think everyone knows how fond of worms I am, especially since I have a symbiotic relationship with several of them in my lower intestines and earwax tunnels.  After leaving Raglan, we hit up some caves that held glow worms, which are actually just glowing maggot eggs, but for touristy reasons, glow worm sounds better.  They were actually really cool and emanated a spectacular blue light.  We hopped on a raft to drift beneath them and marveled at how the cave ceiling looked like night sky. Then we hiked up to a second cave for good measure and to get our money's worth, as New Zealand consumes your money faster than Lindsay Lohan's nose consumes cocaine.

Glow worm cave entrance

I'm nowhere near skilled enough to take pictures in a pitch-black cave, but luckily the tour company gave us some!

These are the worms in my stomach, just for comparison

You raft beneath the ceilings in complete darkness

They look like blue stars burning in the night sky

That night we ended up going to a cultural Maori house in a town called Rotorua, which was pretty sketchy. We were told it was going to be a big feast but the last few of us only got chicken legs and scraps, frozen pees, and some roast veggies.  The cultural show consisted of two people, whose eyes were glazed liked donuts from what I can only assume was an absurd amount of weed, playing guitar and singing a few tunes.  We also had a dance off, with the men doing the Maori Haka and the women doing some weird ass shit with some half pompom looking thing.  Team man won, thanks to our intensity and ridiculous Maori death glare poses. I would upload a photo, but a single glance would cause your heart to explode.

We also had a 2 hour debate on whether or not to try and make a trip to Hobbiton, which wasn't on the Stray travel path, but eventually decided against it since it was too much hassle.  If it was Hogwarts, I would have just taken a portkey there (Nerd Alert!).  To add to the lackluster dinner and performance, the showers were also freezing.  My nipples became so hard that they tore through my towel as I attempted to dry off.  As we left, I was also relieved of my duty as the people counter, since I neglected my duties and we almost left someone behind... Sorry Vanessa!  You should never assume an Asian is good at counting and/or math. A mistake that caused the three dudes sitting behind me in Calculus to flunk out. 

After leaving that place, we went white water rafting, which was amazing!  The river we rafted has the second largest waterfall drop that you can take in the world.  I was so stoked to be able to GoPro my white water rafting experience, because I want to capture as much ridiculous videographic evidence of my idiocy as possible, but unfortunately the battery crapped out on me.  I was really bummed at the time, but once we started going I was having too much fun to care.  Besides, it also means I have a great excuse to go rafting again! #Don'tWorryBeHappy

Time to fall

Completely submerged

And then I flew into the river....

I'm 99% sure our rafting guide was trying to flip the boat, he kept talking how he hadn't flipped in a week and it was annoying him.  So we took it at a rough angle and the two of us in front flew out into the river.  The entire rafting trip only lasted 45 minutes and about 30 of that was practice or waiting for another raft to pass through, so really there was like 15 mins of rafting involved.  Dropping off that waterfall was pretty awesome though, so I'd still say it was worth $90.  After rafting we checked out a few places before making our way towards the next destination, Taupo.  

Just standard scenery, this is nothing special in New Zealand.  This stream led into a hot spring

Mud springs of Waiotapu!  This place smelled terrible and there were giant sledge balls firing off in all directions.  In other words, it was exactly like my toilet after eating Taco Bell.  

Amazing blue waters of the noble Waikato, the longest river in New Zealand

So many shades of blue, the water was almost as pretty as the girls on the bus :). Awwww, I so charming

Once we got to Taupo, all the girls went sky diving except for Sophie, who had already gone white water rafting with the boys in the morning.  Thus we did some more sight-seeing that afternoon while they were being total badasses.  Photo overload:

So many ducks

Alfred Hitchcock warned me about this!

Daniel and James trying to make the cover of Stray magazine

Lake Taupo

It's so much fun watching someone plunge

Going solo on this trip has been one if the best experiences of my life.  I've seen so many beautiful places, enjoyed adrenaline-fueled adventures, made a lot of new memories, and more importantly, new friends to share them with.  I was a little nervous about doing it alone, but you'll never know what's on the other side of the mountain by staring at it through the looking glass, so why wait in wonder when you can climb it and see what's there for yourself?  I can honestly say I've never felt more alive, so ready to conquer all of my fears.  This world is amazing, full of so many opportunities, and luckily I'm still at the point where I haven't learned that I'm not invincible.  That theory would soon be tested as I hiked a mountain in a snowstorm, but that my friends is a story for another blog.

Group Photos

It's so cold, but I have my stray crew to keep me warm! James, Cara, Sophie, Tomas, Kerri, Vanessa, Daniel, Ella, Susan, Sarah, Seantonio

Giant Kiwi

JUMP!

Random GoPro photos

So amazing

Not a bad view...

A Leap of Faith

I’ll seer my name into the skies

I’ll soar to fame before your eyes

I’ll not sit back and watch as the flame of my youth dies

Someday I’ll wake as an old man, realizing time has passed me by

But still I’ll see my name, burning in the azure skies

Wishing I was a bird that could catch the time that flies

But I am still young, and to my youth, I’ll say no goodbyes

It’s time for me to make my mark, it’s time for me to rise

It’s time for me to claim the world, to mark it as my prize

It’s time for me to etch my name into the eternal skies

- Seanonymous Legend, 67 and a half B.C.


I think it's now clear that there is no way to open a post more ruggedly or manly than with a poem. I spent my last few days in Auckland going on hikes and visiting some tourist attractions. The city is pretty easy (and cheap) to get around using public buses. 



My first destination was the Auckland Museum, which is free to get in, but accepts optional donations.  I am an exhibit of human perfection, so I considered my presence the greatest donation they've ever received.  I was completely blown away by how nice and vast their collection was.  They had an awesome ocean exhibit and tons of artifacts from Maori culture.  It's also interesting to know that New Zealand was the last country to be occupied by people.  It was completely desolate until 700 years ago.  In case it hasn't been made clear, my blog endorses two things: presenting factual, educational information and promoting respect for women (Mates reference, drink!).

This little dude was awesome, he looks creepier than Bruce Jenner after a Botox injection

I was shirtless in front of this with a sign reading Ship and Dales

A replica Maori meeting house

After making my way through the museum, I hiked up to Mount Eden, which is an old volcano and the highest natural point in Auckland.  It's height is said to rival that of my ego, but I think it pales in comparison. When you get to the top you see a massive crater in the ground with the skyscrapers of the city peaking up in the background.  After doing some time lapses at mount Eden for a few hours, I hiked back down and attempted to upload some photos. However, I've learned how slow New Zealand internet is, so I quickly gave up and accepted I would have to wait until I get to Australia to have fast internet.  

The crater of Mount Eden, one third the size of the smallest one on my face

The next day we went out on a hike along the coast. Our crew consisted of Tally, Will, Kat, Katie, Kevin, and the baby Elliot. New Zealand is so badass and hardcore outdoorsy that even babies get after it.   We started our trek by going down a shitload of stairs and I just kept thinking, I am going to have to climb these on the way back, because the path wasn't a loop.  After the 5000 steps at Machu Picchu/Huayna Picchu, I have a lifelong aversion towards climbing long staircases, but since I was still on the downhill I reveled in the respite.   

This kid looks like a total douche

Random beach inlet

Our trek was absolutely stunning wrapping around cliffs and hills along the coast, with the ocean spread out before us. I tried my best to keep my camera in my bag and not be that guy that takes a million photos, but every view is stunning, so how can you not?  After hiking for a few hours, we stopped for some lunch and trekked back to the beginning and climbed the dreaded steps to get back to our cars.  I was wet, cramping up, and super whiny, but after a little bit of rest we stopped by a bird cove and then headed back to Auckland.

Cliffside Wanderers

Still working on my action photo skills, here's a bird in flight

Tally randomly got an email alert for a TreatMe deal (New Zealand groupon), for half price bungy jumps off the Auckland bridge, which is 40 meters or about 132 feet for you dumb ass Americans.  It was clearly destiny calling me, so I decided to take the plunge on my final day in Auckland.  Would I live to write about it in my blog Find out by reading the next few paragraphs!  

On the day of my jump, it was pouring with rain.  If there's one thing I've learned it's that New Zealand weather is more unpredictable than my herpes outbreaks.  It can be a perfectly sunny day, then pour rain for two hours, be sunny, pour again, etc. The temperature drops and rises with the sun, so one minute it can be as warm and inviting as Thai hooker's thighs and the next as cold as the heart of the pimp that slaps her. There was only one other kid from Denmark jumping at the same time as me, so together we marched across a freezing cold bridge in the downpour to get to the jumping platform.

As I got out on the platform I saw, what I would estimate to be, an eleven year old girl freaking out and crying in preparation for her jump. After a few more seconds of staring I began realizing it was just a mirror. Thus I wiped clear my soggy cheeks and set out to conquer my fears. I watched my newly found Danish friend scream as he leaped and set myself up to take the fall where he once stood.  With a carefully placed adult diaper and enough deodorant to cover a heard of elephants caking my armpits, I walked to the platform to take the harsh hurl into the raging ocean.  As you stare out into the water and realize how far up you are, the only thing going through your mind is, "Holy shit, this is crazy"!  Then you smile, wave at the camera, and take the soft dive towards oblivion.

 

Everything's gonna be just fine, said my pen to the dotted line as I signed a death waver before jumping

Taking the leap in a UNI t-shirt.  GO PANTHERS!

WOOOOOOOO!

Is it over already, after just four seconds? (That's what she said... super sad face, Charlie Brown walkaway)

Taking that plunge is electrifying and terrifying, and is quickly followed by a scream of "Oh fuck!" as some of you heard in the video I uploaded to Facebook. In 4 seconds I raced to the water before being flung back into the air just inches before touching it. With my adrenaline at an all time high, I finished bouncing and released the cord holding my legs in place.  One thing they don't tell you before jumping: wear thick pants. There is an extra harness around your pelvis to pull you up after you jump so with only a thin layer of mesh between the harness and my crotch, my balls were twisted into a vice grip that was torturous and unrelentingly unforgiving.  Harness 1, Chances of having functioning sperm 0.

Not a bad final day in Auckland, but I soon had to pack for my next excursion. I can't thank Tally and Will enough for letting me crash with them, feeding me, giving me rides, and so much advice on what to do.  You guys are awesome!  For my next adventures I joined a hop on/ hop off bus tour that will take about a month to cover both the north and south islands.  But that my friends, is a story for another blog.

Random GoPros