Victoria Falls and the Raft of Death

After our safari ended, we were transported to the third country of our trip, Zimbabwe.  Our destination was Victoria Falls, which is considered to be one the seven natural wonders of the world.  As most of you probably already know, the other six are my abs.  The falls were originally named Mosi-oa-Tunya, which means 'The Smoke that Thunders".  We had 2.5 days in the area, so we decided to chill out our first afternoon, visit the falls on day two, and go rafting on day three.  In hindsight, rafting on our last day was the greatest decision we ever made, as rafting literally destroyed my desire to live...but more on that later.

After having a quiet first night and catching up on sleep, we woke up early and headed to the falls.  We had read online that the tickets were $10 and you could leave the park and re-enter it as much as you'd like throughout the day.  When we arrived, the ticket was $30 and only good for a single entry.  Bah!  Damn you capitalism, taking advantage of us tourists.

Victoria Falls from the airplane

I've only seen the bottom two...Some traveler I am.

Sometimes Sarah likes to walk behind me so she can check out my sexy bum!

The volume of water that comes down is insane, that's why it actually does look like smoke.  And because it drops so far...well, it sounds like thunder.

Since there is pretty much nothing to do in the actual town of Victoria Falls, other than get harassed by the hundreds of people trying to sell you crap souvenirs, we figured we should try and spend as much time in the park as possible.  Party to enjoy the scenery and partly so people would leave us the f alone :)!  There is a path that winds around the park, so you can see all of the individual falls that make up Victoria Falls.  The scenery is absolutely amazing, you feel so completely dwarfed by how large it is.  There is also a section on the Zambia side, called the Devil's Pool, where you can actually sit in a natural pool on the edge of the waterfall.  We didn't have enough time to go, but it was also $100 for 15 minutes, and I'm not made of money.

The Devil's Cataract

Depending on what time of year you go, this can be a full sheet of water or completely dry.  We came somewhere in the middle, which ended up being perfect!

I need to live in the wild instead of a city

Kayaks on the Zambezi...If only we knew what we were getting into...

Since we paid so much for entrance to the park, we decided to do a second loop, so we could just enjoy the sights and not worry about taking photos.  We were rewarded for our efforts because we stumbled upon two deer hanging out along the cliff's edge!  Life just seems so easy when you see animals relaxing in the wilderness.  Those deer roam around a giant park and have a free view to what many consider the most amazing waterfall in the world.  Meanwhile I work all day in an office and rarely see sunlight.

After leaving the falls, we went to our lunchtime spot, The Lookout Cafe, which offers cheap beer, good food, and even better views.  We came in after a group of about fifty Chinese tourists that all ordered the exact same meal...and ate about half of it.  Such waste!  After eating, we wandered around town, did some souvenir shopping, and eventually found a place that had African style tapas.  Impala meatballs and wild game meat skewers for the win!

I would take being out in the world over sitting on the couch watching Netflix any day.  Too many amazing things to see and do.

I love this shot, the deer relaxing in front of the waterfall.  Wild and free, just like life is supposed to be.

"Take every risk, drop every fear"

Not a bad little panorama

People complain about moles ruining their gardens...Imagine warthogs.  

Wild game meat skewers!  No idea what kind of meat, but it was delicious.

Ugh.  Rafting.  Sarah had the idea to go white water rafting in Zimbabwe, because it is considered by many to be the best in the world.  I consider it to be death incarnate.  I had a bad feeling when they split us into uneven groups.  Most had six, one had five, and our group had seven.  Instead of splitting up one of the larger groups and make each group six, they chose to have odd numbers.  Not that having balance in a raft is key.  Neither is having people paddle through the rapids, or putting the experienced people in front, or having a guide that even remotely knows what he's doing.  None of those things are important.  Unless you want to live.

Our guide, Stuart, was literally the worst guide I have ever had doing anything in my life.  If you go rafting and he is your guide, you will probably die or lose your desire to live.  The course is made up of about 19 rapids along the Zambezi River, but depending on the time of year you go, the level of each rapid can fluctuate.  We had to walk around two level sixes, but were able to paddle through four level fives.  For those of you that are unfamiliar with rafting, it isn't uncommon for people to die on level four and fives.  The previous times I've gone rafting, I'd only fallen out once and each time the raft was flipped intentionally by the guide for fun.  Sarah and one other girl fell out five times, everyone else fell out four.  Our raft fully flipped three times.  No other raft flipped more than once...

The third time the raft flipped, was by far the most dangerous.  As we went towards a rapid, known as "The Washing Machine", we were told to paddle hard and aim for the right side of the rapid, because it is a level four on the side and a six in the middle.  Level six rapids are off limits as there is a high likelihood of injury and possibly even death.  Our guide, who sat in the back of the raft and acted as our rudder, apparently thought it was a good idea to steer us directly into the carnage.  Not only did we all get absolutely smashed, but our entire raft got sucked into the river before getting shot out.  I literally thought I was going to die.

My GoPro footage would later reveal that I got sucked under for over thirty seconds, spinning around in a whirlpool before getting shot out.  It was pure luck that I got sent above the water at the exact moment I gasped for air, because as soon as I was out, I was sucked under again.  Luckily I was able to spot Sarah when I finally came up for good, so I at least knew she was ok.  However, one girl didn't make it out so lucky.  She smashed her back on the rocks and through tears indicated she was at a pain level of 7 out of 10.  To make matters worse, we still had five rapids to go, as well as an 800 meter hike up a cliffside.  And if her day couldn't get any worse, when we got back up and were eating lunch, she got stung on the tongue by a wasp and I had to pull out the stinger.  It was chaos incarnate. It was Africa.

One of the few times our raft was actually upright...

The safety measures in Zimbabwe aren't exactly great...

As crazy and dangerous as it was.... We will never forget this trip!

We woke up the next morning completely shattered.  Neither of us could walk without limping and we had to hobble 2 miles across the border and go through passport checks between Zimbabwe and Zambia, since we were flying back out of Livingstone.  To make matters worse, I had to do this whilst carrying our big backpack that held all of our clothes and weighed like fifty pounds.  Life is always a struggle.

Luckily, shortly after the border crossing we found a huge resort, so we were able to stop in and get a coffee before organizing a taxi to the airport.  The resort was absolutely amazing (and full of rich people), but I'm glad we stay in tents and have adventures.  Why spend all that money going to Africa if you aren't going to go out and experience it?  I'll never understand people that go on vacation to sit around a pool, drink fancy cocktails, and play on their cell phones when they could go out and see what this world has to offer.  Turn that phone off and chuck it in a drawer people, you need to untether from that sh!t.

Who can resist buying Simba chips?

A hippo drink stirrer!  This will be stirring Tito's and club sodas in Orlando in no time...

After another full day of flying, that included transfers in South Africa and Qatar, we finally got back to London.  However, we never rest for long, so within a few weeks we were already on our next adventure to meet Sarah's parents in Belgium.  Did they approve of me?  Did Sarah's mom refer to my body as being pure dynamite?  I guess you'll find out on my next blog...


Random GoPros

The Lookout Cafe

Our version of Paradise Falls

And I'd give up forever to touch you, cus I know that you feel me somehow.  You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now...

Like ants on a log...

 Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

Nearly any view is made better with your first beer of the day!

What did on eye say to the other?
Between me and you, something smells

My shame at incorrectly navigating us

She's in my shirt, wearing my shades, holding my GoPro!  What's mine is not mine.

What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful :)

Oh that boy's a slag, the best you ever had.  The best you ever had is just a memory. And those dreams aren't as daft as they seem, not as daft as they seem, my love when you dream them up...

So many travels!  Our second continent together.  We will reach #3 when we are both back in the US!

You're somewhere I wanna go.  Nice and swift as we take it slow.  You know we sit just right, it's one hell of a sight...

We're here for the moment, so let's own it.  For the moment, so let's own it.  Why are you waiting, it's here for the taking.  It's good loving, it's worth making...

After she fell out, I had the choice to help her back into the raft or take photos mocking her.  I chose wisely.

I think we spent half our day's journey walking around the rapids that were too dangerous to raft through.

We took this photo whilst we still thought we were going to live

Completely shattered, but glad we made it out alive!

Continent #6 and An African Safari

One of my travel goals is to hit all 7 continents, so I'd been hoping to get to Africa whilst living on this side of the world.  It was continent #6 on my list and I've always dreamed of going on a safari, so I was pumped when Sarah told me she'd booked tickets!  Mostly because I whined to her about how my brother Josh was getting to go to Africa and check off 6 before me.  See kids, if you whine enough, you will get your way.  She planned the trip for Victoria Falls, since it borders Zambia and Zimbabwe and is only an hour or so from Botswana as well.  I wasn't going to complain, so off we went!

You know how sometimes you go to the airport and see a bunch of little kids running around and think, "Dear God, please don't make me sit next to them".  Oh yeah baby, right next to them.  3 kids under 5, one crying the entire time, the parents letting them run wild since they apparently lost control and the desire to care years ago.  I think the lesson Sarah and I learned was that the best form of birth control is an intercontinental flight.  After a brief layover in Johannesburg, we flew into Zambia and then spent the next 60 minutes trying to get through the Visa line.  I have no idea how it took so long, we were literally the only flight arriving into the airport at that time.  Apparently no one realized you needed to purchase a Visa upon arrival, because why would you need visas in Africa?  People kill me....  Luckily I was prepared and had cash, so when we finally got to the front of the line, we got our visas within one minute.

After spending a full day traveling, it was nice to grab a brew and soak up the views

This was the view just past the "Beware of Crocodiles" signs.  At first we thought they were a joke... I don't think they were

All animals have the capacity to love :)

This is like my childhood.  Battling with my evil brothers... And getting my ass kicked.  And then being told it was probably my fault for provoking it.  You're right mom, I probably asked Bryn to steal my money and give me wedgies.  What a bunch of Lowe lives.

We spent the first night at a campsite/hotel along the Zambezi river, which feeds into Victoria Falls.  Some people can afford the hotel, but let's be honest, we are tent people.  If we are going to Africa, we're gonna sleep with monkeys fighting outside our tent.  We were pretty exhausted from the full day of travel, so we just grabbed a beer along the river and took a little pre dinner nap.  Since our trip was only a week long, we actually only spent one night in Zambia before taking a shuttle to Botswana!

Botswana is home to Chobe National Park, which ended up being one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.  Several companies run safaris there ranging from a half day to over a week.  We went for the 2 day 2 night option, as Sarah read online that it gives you a better chance at seeing lions and leopards.  Day 1 started with crossing the boarder, which was surprisingly easy, followed by a light breakfast and a cruise along the swamp-like Chobe River.  I didn't really know what to expect on the cruise portion, as I figured we would be pretty far from the animals, but they literally pull the boats up within 2-3 meters of crocodiles.  You see hippos playing peekaboo, elephants crossing the river, Eagles soaring above the trees... It was insane.  It was amazing.  It was unlike anything you could ever dream.

They call me the hip-hop-apatamus, my lyrics are bottomless....

Probably the scariest animal in the world. 

You are pretty much guaranteed to see a million antelope if you do a safari, I have no idea how so many of them survive.

I'm not sure why my blog messed up the next few photos and made them super elongated...but whatevs, the still look cool.

This guy gets all the birds....

Our boat cruise was followed by a massive, all you can eat buffet.  What more can a man want on vacation?  After lunch, we were split off into groups based on the type of safari we were doing, and ended up going on adventure with some French Canadians and an English woman, Kerry (whom we have already been able to meet up with in London as well!!).  The safari vehicle of choice was a Toyota Land Cruiser, similar to what Josh and I were in when we cruised around the Salar de Uyuni in Bolivia.  We were surprised that the vehicle wasn't outfitted with metal cages or anything else to prevent animals from getting in.  They're all just completely open.  Apparently the animals see the vehicle as a whole, rather than being a large metal lunch box full of small, person sized morsels.  Ergo, you are generally pretty safe, even in an open top vehicle.  

I went into the trip without having look at any photos of Chobe National Park, so I really had no idea what the landscape would be like.... It was incredible.  It's absolutely amazing how fast the land can go from being lush and green near the river to desert like, within a few kilometers.  Our driver, Jensen, was awesome.  You could tell how much he loved his job and actually cared about the preservation of the nature reserve and all of the animals within it.  He would even stop the truck and pick up litter that other tourists left lying around.   The goal of the group was to find some big cats, but unfortunately they were all taking cat naps on day one.  We did however, see just about everything else, including one of the best sunsets I have ever been lucky enough to witness.

Going on a safari and seeing the incredible landscapes and wildlife of Botswana will always be one of the highlights of my life (right after looking in the mirror).  I still can't believe I was able to go there, I'm too lucky.  

This poor guy looked completely defeated.  You can see all the scratches on his back where he must have lost a fight against another hippo.  It really is kill or be killed.

Do you know how the giraffe was created?  Chuck Norris went back in time and upper cut a horse.  True Story.

Part of me wishes I was a vegetarian and part of me thinks they would be delicious.

I see the grass beneath me, I smell the wind and sky and think to myself... Don't pass me by.  

A tree full of vultures.  Without a little bit of ugly, you wouldn't appreciate the beauty.

Fun Fact:  All zebras have a unique patter, just like a human has unique fingerprints.

The sunsets were absolutely amazing.  You go for the animals, but the undisturbed beauty of nature will leave you breathless.

Due to the time of the year we visited, it started to get dark around 6:30, so we had to be back at our campground by then.  I thought our campsite would be fenced off or have some general form of protection from the wildlife, but it didn't.  We just stopped in a clearing in the middle of the forest, where there was a fire and five tents set up.  I'm not entirely sure how safe that set up is, especially after Jensen told us he's had lions come into the camp before, but that's just safari life I guess.  The guys that set up the camp site also made us dinner, which was incredibly good for being cooked over a fire.  You can definitely tell they cater to the Western diet, as the food was pretty similar to what you'd get in England or America.  They even had had Nandos sauce!  And of course no evening is complete without some boxed wine.

The only downside of the boxed wine is that it makes a man pee.  As usual, I ignored Sarah's warnings telling me that I was going to have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee.  I told her I'm a man, and a man does what he wants, and she can't tell a man how to live his life.  A man isn't going to let a little thing like a hyena or a leopard prevent him from peeing in the wilderness.

Turns out a man should listen.  I awoke in the night and thought my bladder was going to burst.  Jensen gave us specific instructions to flashlight up and ensure nothing gleamed in the night.... But you hear noises, and noises are terrifying.  And a man needs both hands to whip things out and hold them, so i had to put my phone in my mouth and swivel my head around in fear.  I swear to you, this was the longest pee of my life, I was so scared I thought a little poo might come out as well.  So does a man learn his lesson on night two... Of course not, a man pees in the night again!  I'm a man and the world is my urinal.

But alas, on to day two!

One of my favorite shots from all of my travels.  Such a beautiful place.

Such a beautiful resting spot

Wild, my breath of wonder.  Time, rolling like thunder.  Brace, for the explosion.  Wild, blissfully open....

What you looking at?!?!?

Bambi!

Elephants cry, and they gather round their fallen ones.  They don't know why.  Neither do I... Neither do I....

I still can't believe we went on a safari... Or that I've seen even half of what I have.  Not bad for a kid from small town Iowa.

Day two started off with a 5 AM wake up call, so we could make the most of the daylight.  Our morning drive went past a massive herd of buffalo that were migrating across the plains and some grumpy elephants that didn't seem to be pleased about waking up so early!  We found a few leopard tracks, but unfortunately we weren't able to track one down before having to drop off the French Canadians to be taken back to town, as they elected to do the single night option.  Sarah, Kerry, and I continued on until lunchtime, where we went back to camp to eat and have a siesta.  It's such a hard life, being on vacation.  

After everyone was well rested, we went back out on another game drive so we could drop Kerry off and pick up some new recruits.  At the drop off spot, the other driver told us she had just passed a group of five lions!  So finally, after 2 days of waiting, we were able to go see them!  I don't even know how to describe the feeling.  It's just crazy.  When you see a lion on TV it feels so so distant, so far away.  And then to actually see one in person... Life has been too good to me.

No safari is complete without seeing the King.  It took us the better part of two days, but we finally found some lions!

This giraffe is just like... F M L, there are a million animals here and you are gonna chase me?!?!

So a single lion can't even take down a giraffe... She is literally just having fun by torturing others.  Typical woman.

Luckily this guy ignored Sarah's chants of "Here kitty, kitty".

What's interesting is that it is actually the female lions that run the tribe.  The men are just her minions.  Feels a lot like my life....

If you look closely, you can see that this guy caught a fish

Troops of monkeys are so territorial they will actually kill a leopard if it comes too close to their tree.

After leaving the lions, we continued our safari and eventually crossed paths with another driver who had spotted a leopard a few miles away.  Leopards are pretty rare and travel in solitude, so finding them on a safari is not guaranteed.  At that point the sun was already setting, so in order to find her, we were literally racing against sunbeams.  The other guide told Jensen that she was sitting on some termite hills a few hundred meters from the river, but we couldn't find her.  Alas, it appeared she had left before we got there.

Thus, we started driving back towards camp, catching a final glimpse of the sun before it went down, when out of nowhere, we saw her!!!!  She'd decided to go down and prowl along the river.  That safari was a lot like life, we had such high expectations to see all of these animals, so when they didn't make an appearance we started to lose hope, but then somehow it all just kind of works out.  We saw everything we set our sights on seeing and more, it just didn't all happen right away.  

Come Around Sundown

Seeing all of the animals' silhouettes against the horizon...F-ing amazing.

The rare and elusive leopard.  You have to be extremely fortunate to spot one, so it was a good thing I was wearing my lucky thong.

To be fair, it is a leopard print thong.  So it was fitting, very tight fitting indeed.

Our final sunrise

I told Sarah on our last morning that the only thing left on my list that I was hoping/expecting to see but hadn't were wild african hunting dogs.  She informed me that we wouldn't see them as they hunted deeper into the forest, since he's an expert on Botswanian wildlife.  We saw them 15 minutes later.

We saw a lot of amazing animals, but my favorite, as always, was my cougar (3 months older - still makes her a cougar, don't let her tell you otherwise).  The company we used, Kalahari tours, did an amazing job throughout.  From organizing the transfers to pick us up in Zambia and then ship us over to Zimbabwe after the tour, to the food, to the guide.  Everything was super organized and everyone was very friendly.   It was absolutely awesome, they smashed it. 

Our journey continued in Victoria Falls and nearly ended in carnage whilst rafting along the Zambezi River, but that's a story for another blog....

Animal Photo Shoot

His jaw dropped because he saw me shirtless.  My blog is 100% factual, so you know it's true.

Scrath my ass, watch yourself! Scratch my ass, show me what you're working with!

Sometimes a croc just needs a little massage.  Now that's what I call symbiosis

He's yawning because he's so sleepy.  Apparently 18 hours of sleep per day is not enough.

They're so cute, that's how they get you.  They make you think they are sweet and innocent, then they rip you in half and eat you for dinner.

"Hey, are you still watching me?"

It's a paradise....And it's a war zone

Nobody but you, nobody but me, nobody but us, bodies together. I love to hold you close, forever and always.  I love to wake up next to you...

I said baby, it's you and only you and no one else.  And I mean it, even when I'm talking to myself. 

Look at this little zebra kissing another one on the cheek.  How can you not love nature?

Chillin like a villain!  We saw more varieties of birds than any other creature, their diversity is incredible.

The birds are staring each other down and this dude is just like...I'm too tired to even care anymore.  People complain about flies and mosquitoes...I have f-ing birds living on me.

The infamous crocodile smile!

Random GoPros

Not a bad view for $30/night.

The GoPro didn't do so well on the safari.... You really need the DSLR with a proper lens to capture the wildlife.

Our guide, Jensen, showing us the migratory path of the herd.

 Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

Let's unwind, don't worry your mind, there's a paradise waiting for us in summertime.  And when you look in my eyes, you'll see the pleasure is mine, cus when I'm making you smile, it's the perfect delight.  Oh there's a paradise waiting for us in summertime

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time.  Yes I'll admit that I'm a fool for you.  Because you're mine, I walk the line.

As sure is night is dark and day is light, I keep you on my mind both day and night.  And happiness, I've known proves that it's right.  Because you're mine, I walk the line.

Yeah, I'm sure your parents probably said it to you, but follow what you love and you will love what you do...

 One of us still has amazing hair in the face of gale force winds.  #FabioWishes

Did I deserve to be karate chopped in the face? ....   .... Probably at least twice at that point. I mean, it was like 11 AM.  And yeah, we have matching safari outfits.  Deal with it!!!!!

If you look closely, you can see the massive elephant penis dangling down.  It was literally bigger than my body.

It took Tom Hanks four years to go crazy whilst on a deserted island.  I was born this way.

I don't care what you keep doing, just keep on doing it with me :)