Ziplining and 1800 Steps

As the sunlight crashed into the dim lit room, Rosa's mind began to stir, half awake, yet still dreaming.  She was lying on the floor surrounded by her three cousins, aunt, and uncle.  She heard something crackling and plopping, her thoughts drifting towards eggs dropping into a frying pan.  Some vacant whizzing noises began and she imagined bacon sizzling, as a pungent smell began filling her nostrils.  After a few minutes she heard some water running...wait not running... flushing?  Another scent, the smell of Americano drew nearer, but this was no coffee.  As she stirred and lifted her head towards the doorway, she saw a slender silhouette look back and exclaim, "You're Welcome!" as it faded into shadow.

It had been an hour since I pooped in the hostel bathroom, which had no door and was just outside a room filled with a family of six.  I realized I had to go again, so I wandered back to that side of the hostel, but instead of turning right, I turned left.  I stumbled upon a crazy corner that was filled with 6 bathrooms, none of which had doors (WTF is going on with this place).  I stealthily pooped and snuck out again, but this time I was caught by Rosa's family and they hastily placed a lawn chair in the hallway to block me from returning... they only wished my bowels could be blocked so easily, bwahahaha.

Day three of the journey was all about one thing: zip-lining   This was probably the coolest individual activity we did along the jungle trek as we were gliding between two mountains, overlooking forests and a river.  We also picked up another member - Swiss Sandra, who was doing a 3 day tour, so her second day was our third.

An awesome way to start your morning!

We got a brief safety orientation and learned the proper way to decelerate, because if you brake in the wrong direction your hand will literally get ripped off.  As I stood there plotting Bryn's death, I suddenly realized I had zoned out the safety lesson and was now the most likely brother to die that day...  That smug bastard had won again.  We hiked up about 30 minutes to our starting point and got ready for our first launch. There were 6 lines total, the first 2 for practice and the last 4 for getting wild.

Josh waving goodbye...unfortunately not forever.  Seriously, when will I get to cash in on any of my siblings life insurance policies.

Sandra doing the Superman, which allowed you to go hands free, since the guide did the braking.  They were also willing to videotape the experience for you!

After zip-lining we took a bus out to some train tracks, where we spent a few hours walking through the rain until we arrived at our lunch spot.  When we stopped for lunch everyone wanted to grab a soda or water, which I ended up paying for.  I was waiting to hear "Oh, no you shouldn't be paying for our drinks, you can only afford to spend $8/night on your hostel".  But oh no, these a-holes see me in my $35 suit and think I'm made of money...  I took solace in the fact that every soda had expired 3 months prior.  Revenge was sweet, and only caused a mild tummy ache!

Walkin and Dancin in the Rain

For lunch we started with a simple soup, followed by some soggy french fries and some horrendously chewy meat, which I can only speculate was congealed llama hooves.  After lunch we had another few hours of walking along the train tracks before arriving at Aguas Calientes, the town that is below Machu Picchu.  We also caught a glimpse of the water and decided it was a good idea our rafting trip got cancelled as the water was crashing harder than me during our bike ride.

Two people died rafting the week before we arrived, definitely worth skipping

We were all pretty tired when we arrived, so we all grabbed hot showers before dinner, which was a big improvement from lunch.  We got to choose our soup/salad and entree, of which three of us chose the fried chicken...delicious.  A few of us also decided to check out the local market to do some shopping.  As Bryn and I procured matching fanny packs, I felt my masculinity hit a new high and the nearby women started to feel a slight tingling for the first time since the tragic loss of my hair.

The town of Aguas Calientes, which I believe stands for Water Heater

We made our way back to the hostel to play a few rounds of cards before leaving.  Josh had picked up a card game called Yaniv from his travels, so we went with that.  The basic goal is to get rid of your cards, so that the value of cards in your hand totals 2 or less.  After spending 5 rounds trying to get a single card below a 2, I pointed out how mindless this game was.  Josh proceeded to tell me that if it's preferable I could "mindlessly" bash my head against a wall for 15 minutes.  Deeply saddened, I curled up in the corner near the door and cradled my fanny pack, often referring to it as "my precious".  Several minutes later I looked up and realized everyone was still in the room, terrified to leave as I was blocking the exit.  Using my best gollum voice, I creepily exclaimed, "It rubs the lotion on its skin, precious" and crab scuttled my way out of the room.... No one has spoken to me since.

Apparently I'm the creepy one...

The next day we all had the pleasure of waking up at 4 am to walk about 20 minutes to the entrance to the stairs leading to Machu Picchu.  The Chileans decided to take the bus instead of climbing up all the stairs, but we wanted the adventure.  At 5 am the gates opened and we were on our way, with the other American in our group, Kathryn, deciding she was going to run to the top so she could be #1.  Josh and I realized we had anchors, I mean siblings, and proceeded to walk.

Occasionally the steps would cross paths with a road, giving you a brief chance to catch your breath. After about 200 steps, we lost Leslee and Craig.  After another hundred or so we lost Bryn and Joyce, but Josh and I kept going since we aren't complete pansies.  After a while the only thing lifting your legs is willpower, and your thoughts become both sporadic and disturbing.  I wonder if Tom Selek's mustache is made of rich mahogany?   What if you grew out a beard and shaved all of it except a strand along the left side of your cheek and then you just had this random 9 inch braid growing out of the side of your face?  Am I the only person here wearing a spandex unitard? I wonder if people think the unicorn on Bryn's fanny pack is more majestic than the one on mine? Holy Shit is that the top?!?!

In the morning everything is shrouded in an ominous fog

After 1800 steps, Josh and I reached the entrance of Machu Picchu, narrowly beating the buses and claiming our place as 5th and 6th in line.  After about ten minutes Bryn and Joyce arrived, getting the opportunity to join us in line as you have to be with your group upon entry.  After another ten or fifteen minutes, Craig and Leslee appeared, ensuring that our group was complete.  Fully assembled, we were ready to enter when the gates opened at 6 AM.  None of us were prepared for what we were about to witness, but that my friends, is a story for another blog...

Jungle Hiking

After getting a solid night's sleep, I was prepared for a long day of hiking through the jungle.  However, I soon realized I'd left all of my wet clothes out to dry... in the pouring rain...and I wonder why they call me SLowe.   We also got to experience coffee that was harvested directly from the forest with our breakfast, and for the second time that morning, I experienced an erection.   As we finished up our eggs and bread/jam, the ten year old girl from the family we stayed with decided it was a good idea to bring us the wild animal she caught that morning.

Crazy River Otter (and yes it took me 5 blog posts to realize i could enlarge pictures...screw you!)

My slightly less attractive brother, Josh, getting warrior designs painted on his face

After getting our faces painted we were ready to roll.  Our group divided into two factions, English speaking (American) and Spanish speaking (Chilean).  Since our tour guide had been calling us the pumas for the first day of the trip, the Chileans' tour guide decided to dub their group "the sexy pumas" to one up us.  To get my revenge I dropped a deuce on the narrowest portion of the trail so they would have to become the poo shoe pumas (Or simply the Poomas, if you prefer).  AMERICA!

Our large group and the local family we stayed with

Day two may have been my favorite day of the trip as we hiked through the jungle, around mountains, and had spectacular views of the river valley below.  You could even say they were...Amazong.  Alright, enough PUNishment, I'll get back to the story.  Our tour guide, Papapuma, gave us an overview of the land and explained that the ten year old girl, who caught the river otter, hikes 1.5 hours up to the top of the mountain to go to school every morning.  Realizing I was shown up by a little girl yet again, I plodded along in shame.

Take that little girl, your legs are too short to climb up here... bahahaha

If you fall, you die... unfortunately Bryn stayed afoot

As we hiked through the jungle we also saw some crazy, upside down flower that is used to create hallucinogens.  From reading my blog you probably realize that giving me drugs is a bad idea, so I was forced to trek on sober.  However I had heard that licking a toad can get you high, so I started to wonder...what about a giant snail?

For the second time that day, I found a meaning for the term, "snail trail"...   SNAILED IT!

After a quick stop in a town along the way for lunch, we were told we had an hour of downtime before we started up again.  Fearing we wouldn't get a chance to take some pictures of the river, Craig and I spent the entire hour trekking down a path to get pictures while everyone else napped.  It turned out the joke was on us, as the next three hours of the hike were along the river.  Universe 37, Sean 0. 

One of the many streams we crossed

Eventually we made our way to the other side of the river along a bridge I can only describe as being mildly stable as it swayed from side to side as you walked along it.  I hadn't seen girls swayed so easily since the last time I'd taken my shirt off.  After crossing (and grabbing a much needed gatorade), we made our way to some new terrain, which was basically just a rocky path along the river.  Once you get to the end of the path you get to cross the river again, only this time we were pulleyed across in a cart.

You fall in the river, you die... unfortunately Bryn made it across unscathed

After making it across, everyone was pretty exhausted, as we had been hiking for about six hours.  Luckily we only had 20 minutes until we reached the hot springs according to Papapuma... which, as we had learned to convert his time estimates, meant we were only 45 minutes away from the hot springs!  It was a glorious moment when we arrived, with the only downfall being you couldn't drink while in the hot springs.

When I heard hot springs I was thinking some pools of muddy hot water, but it was more like a resort!

As I slowly sauntered towards the hot springs, I worried about the repercussions of having two forces of scorching hotness drawing so close to each other.  I could feel the suspense building as all eyes approached my entrance, and as my left foot entered the water, I heard a collective exhalation from the crowd and the single caw of a condor, who was unsure if this sudden rise in temperature was a sign of Armageddon.  As my washboard abs graced the waters, a giant fog of steam spread throughout the mountains, allowing every animal in the forest to experience what it's like to be in a sauna.  At this point it was clear that if I stayed in those waters any longer everyone else would boil to death, so I had no choice but to get out and drink a beer instead, thus lowering my body temperature to a level mere mortals could survive.  

After hanging out in the hot springs for about an hour, we all got out and took the most amazing showers ever.  On the far edge of the springs is a landing where all the dirty pool water rushes out like a waterfall shower.  Luckily Leslee was on top of things and had enough shampoo and body wash for everyone.  Afterwards, we had a few beers and South American Doritos before electing to take a bus to to our hostel instead of spending another hour hiking (which likely meant 3 hours in papapuma time).

Luckily the rain didn't start until after our hike!

After getting dinner and a few beers, we decided it was time to have a dance off with the Sexy Poomas.  Little did we know, Josh had picked up all sorts of dance moves during his travels and our other American member, Kathryn, had mastered the creepy slow pelvic thrust.  With such a deadly array of moves, we lit up the dance floor... and by dance floor I mean the open area of the hostel that the roof didn't cover.  Not wanting to be shown up, the Chileans busted out dance moves that I can only describe as being Nsync.  There were no winners of the dance contest, but anyone watching can confirm there were clearly losers.

The sexy pumas tearing it up on the dance floor

After our dance off, a few of us decided to take it to the next level and hit up a disco club.  Craig tore it up crip-walking and the Chileans showed us their dance off moves were just the tip of the iceberg.  It was also during this time that we realized how Josh managed to afford all of his trips abroad, as he displayed moves on the stripper pole that I can only describe as being erotically charged.  Realizing that no nightmare could compare to what I had just witnessed and an overwhelming urge to burn the images from my mind, I decided to head back to our hostel and sleep it off.  We needed the rest as we would spend the next day zip lining, but that is a story for another blog.