Sunday, June 2, 2019

The Last Hurrah!

I was just a man, well a very handsome man if we are going to be appropriately descriptive, walking through London's Heathrow Airport.  I showed my passport to the immigrations officer and England welcomed me with open arms once more.  Sarah slid her passport across the table after me.  "Miss, have you ever worked here before?"  As expected, our company's UK branch didn't file the appropriate paperwork stating Sarah had left the country, so we started off our Euro-trip with a detainment!!!  For once I wasn't the screw up.  Elation filled me.  After thirty minutes of sitting in a comfortable chair and being treated with the utmost kindness, we were allowed to enter!  You can't beat British politeness.

*Disclaimer.  A sudden urge to use the bathroom has just hit me, but my baby (who was not yet born at the time this blog takes place) is sleeping on me.  This is the type of stuff that no one teaches you in the baby classes.  Do I hold it in, do I risk waking her, or do I just poop my pants?  With clenched cheeks, I decide to hold tight*

Upon getting to the city centre, we headed to a pub to meet our friends, reminisced about old times and got everyone's big updates.  We told everyone Sarah was expecting, as was Abs' wife!  Bee and Paolo's love for me is still unwavering and they got us way too many baby gifts!!! Ram wears baseball caps now, Man is as handsome as ever, Fincher is even more so.  Leon got married, Pete was on holiday in Croatia.  Tobin is still super creepy.  Sunny bought us clothes for a baby boy instead of girl and Neal can still outdrink me, but probably not Daly or Corinne. 

Sarah thought we were only there to reminisce with friends for a few days, but I also had a secret agenda!  When we missed our flight to Honduras and got stranded in Mexico, I decided I was going to propose whilst we were on our way to the Pyramids of the Sun and the Moon.  Thus, upon arrival, I snuck off and purchased a ring for a few pesos.  I then hid that ring in my bag for nearly a year, knowing I'd propose in London, since Sarah had previously had a dream that's where I would do it.  What kind of man would I be if I didn't do everything in my power to make her dreams come true?
She said yes to my 40 cent engagement ring!!!

Finally made it to Shakespeare's Globe!  It is the only thatched roof building in London and is a replica of the largest playhouse that existed before the Great Fire of London occurred in 1666, which destroyed a third of the city.
The majority of people I know have traditional diamond rings, but that's just not our style.  I don't believe love is measured in terms of dollars spent, I think it's shown by how you spend your time.  Do you make an effort to put away your phone and share in moments with people, do you turn off Netflix to go grab a beer and make new memories with a friend, do you invest your time into having fun vs. making a ton of money?  Happiness isn't a given, it's something we all have to work at.  But enough of my ideologies!

After spending a few days with our friends, we embarked on another Ryan Air flight, which was just as cheap and terrible as we remembered.  Our destination: Bucharest, Romania.  The guy sitting next to us on the flight: Mentally deranged.  Now, I'm not entirely sure what the screening process for sitting in the emergency exit row is, but I don't think it involves trying to find ways to open the window or remove the tray from the seat-back in front of you.  Meanwhile the rest of the passengers were walking around the plane like it was a hiking trail.  We arrived at the airport late at night to find that you had to order a taxi from a kiosk...that was in Romanian.  Luckily my ability to creep on the people surrounding me is well honed and I was able to procure us a taxi.

We hung out in Bucharest for a day before going on a tour to check out some Transylvanian castles, including Bran Castle, which is touted to be the home of Dracula.  Though he only stayed there one night in his entire life, so not sure that qualifies as being his home.  However, I'm sure it draws a pretty penny for the people of Romania, so let's just gloss over that fun fact.
Peles Castle
This is the exact pose I struck when I was a nude model
This is what they said they'd do to me if I kept making that pose.
Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?  Because he's a pain in the neck...
After being thoroughly unimpressed by Romania, we decided to take a van into Bulgaria to see if Eastern Europe had more to offer.  We ended up going to the small town of Veliko Tarnovo, which has a giant fortress sitting atop a hill.  It was definitely a significant upgrade from Romania, as the people were friendlier, the landscape was prettier, and the food was delicious.  It was a tourist town, but it was definitely worth a night's stay if traveling between Bucharest and Sofia.

*Disclaimer.  I SHOULDN'T HAVE HELD IT IN!!!*

We only stayed there for a day and a half before making our way to Bulgaria's capital, Sofia, via bus.  The owner of the boutique hotel we were staying at told us we picked the worst bus company to travel across Bulgaria, as they were incredibly dangerous and frequently broke down.  But what's life without a little adventure when you're traveling with your pregnant fiance.  Besides, this baby needed to learn the ways of a vagabond whilst in utero.

I wanna make you happy. I wanna make you feel alive.  Let me make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive tonight!
What would you say to you younger self?  That growing a beard's quite hard and whiskey never starts to taste nice...

In some countries coming to a place like this would be $40 instead of $3.  Where you're born is some strange piece of luck, no?

Up on a hill, is where we begin.  This little story, a long time ago. Stop to pretend.  Stop pretending.  It seems this game is simply never ending...
Upon arriving in Sofia, we met up with my brother Josh and went out for dinner in a relatively nice restaurant, which in Bulgaria only costs 5 euros.  You can literally get a steak dinner for eight dollars.   Sofia is surrounded by mountains and woodlands, so the next day we decided to take public transport out to a trailhead.  And by the start of a trailhead, I mean we scrambled up a hill outside of the tram station and then followed a group of people to the actual trail head, which was a few hundred meters away.

We also took advantage of Josh's hostel situation to get some laundry done.  Since we had so many connecting flights, we decided to just bring European sized carry ons with us, so after four days of wearing underwear and socks that I'd washed in a hotel sink, we were excited to get all of our laundry cleaned for $5.

We also had grand plans to spend a day in Plovdiv, but after a trip to the bus station and speaking with four vendors who hated anyone that wasn't Bulgarian, and probably even those that were, we were told that no buses were headed to Plovdiv even though all of our research indicated that buses were supposed to leave hourly.  Three days later Josh learned that the bus companies didn't renew their permits in time and weren't allowed to run that day.  Westerners have no idea how good they have it!  Imagine living somewhere where public transit was that unreliable.
I took a little journey into the unknown, and I came back changed, I can feel it in my bones.
Can you turn slugs into Escargot?  Cus this thing is gigantic.
After spending a week in Eastern Europe, we took a much needed journey back to Western Europe via Barcelona.  I'd already been, but Sarah had never made it to mainland Spain whilst living in Europe.  Hotels in Barcelona are incredibly expensive, so we instead booked a private room at a hostel, because I'm a cheap bastard.  Besides, pregnant Sarah needed to experience a life of intrigue and pass down my love of hostels to the baby.

After averaging over seven miles a day on foot with a second trimester Sarah, we elected to get passes for the tourist bus in Barcelona.   Our main reason for going there was to see La Sagrada Familia, which in my opinion is the most incredible religious building in the world.  The outside is gothic and daunting, as if manifested from Voldemort's dreams.  But once you enter, light spills in from every direction in a flood of colors from the hundreds, maybe thousands of stained glass windows that cover the interior walls. The same windows that somehow aren't noticeable from the outside.  The entire structure is held up by pillars that sprawl out like tree limbs, a completely new type of architecture created by Antoni Gaudi, La Sagrada's principal architect.   By the time this church is completed, if it does indeed finish, it will be more than 150 years after it's start.  I could go on for days about how amazing this place is, but I'll let the pictures do the talking.


Considering they've spent 8 years repairing 4 miles of interstate where I live...Building all of this in under 150 years seems pretty incredible.

Some churches are capable of drawing a crowd of atheists.

The columns are structured like trees, because Gaudi realized that millions of years of evolution has engineered things greater than our minds can.
My favorite set of sculptures on the outside of the building.  Pretty sure they featured on my first Barcelona blog post, but I'm way too lazy to look back.
Since we had two days on the tourist bus, we decided to see as many sights as we could. Thus, in addition to the church, we also went to Gaudi park, which houses some of his other eccentric creations.  Sarah also has an irrational love of aquariums, so we made sure to see how Barcelona's stacked up... It was average, but the horizontal escalators that wind you underneath some of the exibits were pretty sweet.   We also found our way to the Olympic park where the track and field events were held for the 1992 Olympics and ascended the cable cars to Montjuic Castle to get the skyline view of the city and the surrounding sea.
What a sad looking fish with his pout pout face!  Trying to spread his dreary wearies all over the place!
Ever since I left the city you, you got a reputation for yourself now.  Everybody knows I'm feeling left out.  Girl you got me down, you got me stressed out.  Cus ever since I left the city you started wearing less and going out more.  Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor, hanging with some girls I never seen before...
In keeping in line with my cheapness and total disregard for Sarah's comfort, I subjected us to a 5 AM flight out of Barcelona to Reykjavik.   Upon arriving in Iceland, I figured I'd take some cash out of the ATM.  I thought I was selecting the $100 withdrawal option since it was the second highest on the ATM followed by what I thought was the $200 option.  But it turned out that I withdrew $978!!  I mean, how is that even possible, what ATM allows you to withdraw that much cash?  I didn't even know my bank account contained that much money.

And since I was unaware of how much money I withdrew, I used my card to purchase our bus tickets into town, which was another $100.  You'd think I'd be better at traveling considering this was my 44th country visited, but what fun would this blog be if I wasn't an idiot?  Once we got into town, we were only a mile away from our Airbnb, so we walked over.  We were supposed to be greeted by the host and given a key to our room and towels and things like that, but instead we were locked out.  We were eventually let in by the cleaning crew a few hours later when we circled back and found our room was empty with the key on the table.  After dropping our stuff and taking a few moments to relax, we heard uncontrollable sobbing from the floor below us.  We are pretty sure that the girl crying was our host, as she didn't respond to any of our messages or check in on us the entire time we stayed there.   But what's life without awkward situations.


It's my life and I can't believe it.  Is this the life I lead?  All these surreal things and sudden decisions, I just want to waste my time with you...
I still remember when the biggest craters I'd seen were the ones on my face.



It's such an expensive country to visit, but it's worth it
Iceland is known for geothermal energy, hot springs, raging waterfalls, the northern lights, puffins, and being unnecessarily expensive.  A one hour puffin tour was $100, Sarah wasn't allowed to enter hot springs, and northern light tours were $300 each, with only a 5% chance of seeing them.   Thus we embarked on a tour of the golden circle instead.  It's the most popular and affordable option in Reykjavik, which means it's also the busiest. 

Luckily, our guide was funny and kept the long bus rides between attractions entertaining.  We also got coffee and a cinnamon roll from a rest stop that was quite possibly the best pastry I've ever eaten.  Usually when I write about people salivating over buns, it's as a caption beneath a photo of me naked in the wild.  I don't know if they put MSG or crack into the food in Iceland, but everything was delicious.  During the tour we also learned of Iceland's goal to leverage their natural geothermal energy to provide 100% of the energy they consume.


Ironically the most smoking-hot thing about this photo... The photographer.
It was definitely nice to get back to nature after visiting so many cities
This piece of land is where the Eurasian and North American tectonic plates meet


We spent the next few days bumming around Iceland and hiking out to a Lighthouse a few miles outside the city center.  We also got tickets to see an orchestra, which was somehow only $25.  How is a bowl of soup $20 and a night at the orchestra $25?  I really want to meet the people that set prices for things, because I'm pretty sure there's a huge market for financial analytics there.  Although considering Iceland was going bankrupt ten years ago and is now sitting pretty from the tourism boom, maybe their crazy prices are ingenious.

Iceland also had the best souvenirs of any country we have visited.  I'm not sure if it's because I withdrew $1000 from the ATM, the impending pregnancy, or the fact it was the last country on our visit, but we bought more items in Iceland than all the other countries combined.  I bought our future daughter a book about Icelandic trolls, an arctic fox, and a puffin hand puppet.  We even dropped a hundred dollars on matching puffin sweatshirts.... I was out of control.


I'm sailing through the seas, to an island where we'll meet.  You'll hear the music fill your ear, I'll put a flower in your hair...
The highlight of the Orchestra for me was that the tuba player's name was Nimrod Ron.  This is why I'm generally not granted access to these types of events.

After nearly  three weeks abroad, we were definitely ready to come back and mow our two foot tall grass, so we headed back to the airport one last time.  I'm not sure if it was due to Sarah's detainment or because she smells, but she had a weird number appended to her boarding pass and was required to go through extra security in order to leave the country.  While we were separated, I went and got snacks for the plane and waited for her to show up.  When she finally arrived she was in a state of panic as she realized she had lost her passport.

Was I surprised that something like this happened?  Nope.  We've missed flights to Honduras, had the choice to fly to any airport in Norway for the same price and chose the one furthest from Oslo, stayed in an AirBnB 4 hours from the national park we were going to, and earlier on the trip had purchased bus tickets to Stanstead airport for the wrong day.  So this was completely normal.  Eventually she figured out she must have left it in the bathroom, and luckily it was still in there when she went back.  After finally getting home, we only had a few weeks to get our house in order before heading out to Boston for our first baby shower, but that's a story for another blog...

Random GoPros
Book stores are the coolest!
Castlevania... Based on the effort put into taking selfies, I'd say it was more like Castle vainia

Can't you see the sky is not the limit no more?
And if the sun don't shine on me today.  And if the subways flood and bridges break.  Will you just lay down and dig your grave?  Or will you rail against your dying day?
This is why I have a GoPro

With each gift that you share, you may heal and repair.  With each choice you make, you may help someone's day.  Well I know you are strong, may your journey be long.  And now I wish you the best of luck...
God it's good to be alive.
Sarah asked me how my bread bowl was.  I told her it was souper.

You used to call me on my cell phone, late night when you need my love.  Call me on my cell phone, late night when you need my love. I know when that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing... I know when that hotline bling, that could only mean one thing.  

Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps


I'm in trouble now and it cannot wait!  She's ten days late, boy your life got complicated.  But I can't wait to see this through!  She's ten days late!
Anything other than yes is no.  Anything other than stay is go.  Anything less than I love you is lying.  


This sunscreen cost more than 4 meals.  $18 for the tiniest, worst absorbing sunscreen of all times

I never fit in, I don't belong.  But you know that doesn't matter when you feel strong.  Cus I'm a vampire y'all, and we toast the blood of our enemies.

It wouldn't be a trip to another continent without running into Josh.  Literally any continent.  You'll find him.  Where the hell is WaldLowe.

I think about you oh, everywhere I go. And I've done everything and I've been everywhere you know.   I've been fed gold by sweet fools in Abu Dabai.  Oh and I danced real slow with Rockettes on dodgy molly. But I've had no live like your love! From nobody!

I wouldn't fall for a girl I thought couldn't misbehave.  And I want you to know that I've had no love like your love.  At first chance, I'll take the bed warmed by the body and I once warmed my hands upon a burnin Maserati.  Still I've had no love like your love, from nobody!
We've had a lot of adventures, but getting pregnant was by far the best
I found a grey hair in one of my zoots.  Like context in a modern debate, I just took it out....

Instead of calling me out, you should be pulling me in....

Waiting on the day when these words are in stone, when the kids are all grown and we go dancing.  Oh can you do it babe?  Can you love me all the way?  Will you tie me tight in tiny strands of paradise? Will you walk with me before the morning fades?  I'm waiting on the day.
Looking pretty good for being 5 months pregnant!
Cus it's you, oh I always knew.  Oh it's always you, oh baby it's you...And I knew, yes I always knew, yes I always knew, oh baby it's you.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Tadpoles of the Gods


It was just another day in the office when I got a message from Sarah: When are you going to be home?  Within 1 nano-second of receiving this message I turned to my buddy Jonathan and said, "Holy shit dude, I'm pretty sure Sarah's pregnant".  I started to think back to how this could have happened, and then it became clear...

It was springtime.  The foliage was in bloom and my ass was displayed prominently above the mantle.  My hair was long, my mustache exquisite.  Sarah had just gotten off the road and when she came through the door I was down to just my socks.  And when I'm down to just my socks, I say, "Baby, do you know what time it is?"  To which she generally responds, "No."  And then I say, rather sensuously I might add, "Oh yeah, you know what time it is.  It's business time." And then with a thrust of my leg, I repeat,  "It's business time, that's why they call them business socks ooo!"  Then there was a lot of dancing on my part, after which I woke Sarah back up and said,  "Alright baby, I'm ready.  Do we need to be safe?"  To which she mumbled, "Probably." 

Probably.  Three little syllables that were uttered, when only a one syllable response was needed.   Listen ladies, when a man is in the throes of passion, he needs a yes or a no.  A man can't be expected to interpret words or comprehend information.  A man just wants to get laid.  Now normally, even if you risk it, your chances of getting pregnant are slim. But what Sarah doesn't understand is that I don't have normal sperm.  They don't need multiple chances to create life, they were borne to be born.  The truth is, I don't have sperm.  I have tadpoles of the Gods.

This is what happens when you use an app for birth control

Is it surprising that Sarah got pregnant within months of me hanging this photo?  Clearly fertility clinics need to update their artwork...
As soon as I got home I asked Sarah what she messaged me about earlier, to which she just pretended to be busy in the yard.  When I pressed her again, she stormed past me and said, "Do you really want to know what I wanted to talk to you about?" When she returned, she hurled something at me.  When I looked down, I saw a little white stick that said one wonderful word: Pregnant.  It's a pretty magical moment when you find out you're having a baby, but also a little gross in this instance.  I mean throwing a stick that you've peed on at someone is a little unsanitary, but I didn't feel it was the appropriate time to have that conversation with Sarah.  

What happens next is a little bit different than what happens on television and movies.  There's no instantaneous doctor appointment, you have to wait weeks.   I can tell you without question, those were the six longest weeks of my life.  You start reading the books, researching online, hearing about all the horrible things that can go wrong, and then you finally get to the ultrasound.  And once you see that crazy, little baby thrashing around in there... Wow.  That feeling is like nothing else you could ever imagine.

I've watched sunrises from mountains, snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef, witnessed a lion chase a giraffe, soared above clouds and fallen from the sky.... This is the best thing I've ever seen.
Whilst Sarah worked her way through morning sickness and all the crazy hormonal changes, I prepared for the arrival of our friend Sunny and his buddy (Now our buddy too!) Max.  Sunny likes to visit the U.S. so he can see the empire that the British could have had, if we Americans weren't better in every possible way.  Plus we have cheap electronics.  Let's be honest, it was mostly about the electronics.  He started his journey by visiting Max in Chicago and then they hopped on a train to KC.  You can take a man out of London, but he'll still travel by train.  In America we have these things called planes that take you places in 1/5 of the time, but you know, you do what you gotta do bro.  

They got in pretty late, so we just hung out for the first night and then spent the next day exploring the city.  We saw the WWI museum, ate some lunch in the crossroads, and let Sunny prove his degree was well earned.  Sarah and I decided to wait before telling Sunny to see if he could figure it out himself since he's a doctor.   And I have to concede he is good at his trade, because he called her on being pregnant as soon as she excused herself to the bathroom before lunch.  Less than half a day!  Impressive.

After lunch,  we decided to increase our spending and drove to Legends for some outlet mall shopping.  I think Sunny was the most excited to shop, but probably ended up spending the least of anyone!  Max and Sarah combined efforts to get BOGO shoes, Sarah and I got shirts, and Sunny's card kept confusing American card readers.  UK cards have chips and wireless tapping capabilities, but for some reason America has decided to stay 10 years behind and his sophisticated card was too much to handle.  Why you gotta be so posh bro?

We closed out our final day by taking a stroll through the arboretum, eating our weight in Oklahoma Joe's bbq, searching the plaza for the perfect fridge magnet, and relaxing by the fire underneath the stars at night.  A far cry from our crazy nights of drinking in London, but enjoyable all the same!



Our boy is all grown up.  Had to send him off on a train.
A Professor, a Doctor, and a Vagabond
After Sunny and Max left us, we prepared for our next trip.  Sarah had to work a software go-live in the northeast two weeks in a row, so instead of having her fly back, I met her in Philadelphia for a long weekend that also included a train down to DC.  I had never been to Philly, so I was pretty excited to go as it is the home of Rocky Balboa!  Our hotel was in a pretty awesome location, because we were within walking distance to the historic district that contains the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall, which is where the Constitution and Declaration of Independence were signed.  I didn't really care about waiting in a huge line to go inside Independence Hall, but we did go see the Liberty Bell and a showing of Mama Mia at the Walnut Street Theatre, which is the oldest theatre in the US.

The next day we were already leaving Philly for DC, but I made sure to get a Philly Cheesesteak on the way out.  We elected to walk most of the way to the train station since Sarah was having some flashes of morning sickness, which by now we had learned happen at all times of day.  After working a few hours in the train station, we finally got on board to DC and made our way to our friend James' place of work.  He really wanted to get sushi for dinner, so we had to tell him that wasn't a possibility.  And then he wanted to know if we wanted a drink while we figured out dinner, to which Sarah said she couldn't drink.  And then James co-worker said, "Oh my God, are you pregnant?", which caused his jaw to drop!
It's not the waking, it's the rising.
First there was cheese whiz.  Then came the changing of underpants.
We eventually settled on grabbing dinner at The Salt Line, which is right outside the Nationals baseball stadium and it was well worth it.  The food was delicious and the desserts were ridiculously large.  Later that evening we went back to James place so we could wait for Ian and Julin to get back from Julin's school dance.  Julin was also kind enough to let us crash in her room during our stay.  The next day we set out for some DC adventures with Ian and Julin, which was actually pretty cheap since all the museums are free!  We started our morning with a trip to the National Air and Space Museum, which had an absurd amount of planes hanging from the rafters as well as some pretty cool NASA displays.

After a brief stop for a food truck lunch, we made our way to the National Museum of Natural History, which is alarmingly similar to the British version housed in London.  It was also here that we let Ian and Julin in on the secret!  Julin was pretty excited and even got a list of baby names starting with S going for us.  I said I was fine with the first name starting with an S, so long as the middle name is Yo.  Skylar Yo Lowe sounds like a good name to me...

People asked me about the museum.  I said it's got a pretty plane set up.  Let's be honest, I was born to make dad jokes.
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl...

I decided to donate a mold, nay an erection of unparalleled beauty to the museum.  It is now enshrined.  I'm not surprised.
After getting our fill of museums I really wanted to see the giant statue of Lincoln, so we headed that way.  We also passed this really big, white house along the way, but I wasn't really that intrigued by it.  Plus I heard the senile old man that lives there is a sexist a-hole.  James was finally wrapped up with work by the time we got to the Lincoln Memorial, so he was able to meet up with us so we could all get dinner together.

The next day we crashed Julin's karate class, where I was heart broken to find that she had moved on from me as a potential crush to her karate instructor.  You disappear from a teenage girls life for one year and you become old news!  We hung out for a few more hours, but before we knew it, Ian was already taking us to the airport.  Those long weekends always seem so short...
I asked if we could see the giant statue of Lincoln sitting down.  Sarah said, "Do you mean the Lincoln Memorial?".  Listen, we aren't all sophisticated and well learned, some of us just call the stuff what the stuff is.
You need a little light to guide the way, waiting on the sun to shine again.  You gotta keep your head up high, you gotta keep your head up high.  You need a little hope to carry on in the middle of the night when you're alone.  You gotta keep your head up high, you gotta keep your head up high...
Sarah and I spent weeks planning our next big trip for the year, a return to Europe!  It was a 17 day adventure that took us to five countries, but that's a story for another blog...

Random GoPros
Look at all these planes, where are they going to take my little girl?

There's so much to do in DC that even the biggest landmarks aren't that packed.
Probably one of the best views in DC

Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps
Sarah's face after I asked her if we could name the baby Dip It Lowe.  She didn't think Han So Lowe or Wang Hung Lowe were good names either.
Soaking up the Kansas City skyline!
Sunny tried to convince Sarah to run away with him since he's a more successful Asian.  Damn you Dr. Patel!


Watching a pregnant woman eat a banana split is like watching an leopard slaughter a gazelle
They might as well be sisters with their matching ponytails and blue shirts!

She's never entertained by me.  It's very frustrating.


James was 10 minutes late to our group photo!