Emmy Lou and All That is True

To the star of this story, my sweet Emmy Lou
All words that were written, were written for you
I hope when you read this, you'll be drinking a beer
Because if you find this before 21...I have so much to fear

.............

I was sitting at work, looking handsome as ever
Unaware that my life would soon be changing forever!
For Sarah texted, "I have something we need to review"
And I thought to myself, oh no, can it be true?
Did I forget to clear my web browser history!
Did she discover I watched the British Bake Off without thee?
But instead she spoke of putting her pants in the drier
Apparently her water had broken three hours prior!!!
Unconvinced of labor, she just kept on working
Apparently unconcerned that a delivery was lurking

Thus I rushed home, without a moment to waste
And then for 30 minutes I paced and paced...
For Sarah decided she need to wrap up her call
Because obviously with labor, you can just stall!
Finally in the car she started feeling contraction after contraction
And it dawned upon me, I'd be going months without any action!
Dog gone it little baby, I just wanted to get laid
And to you Biology.... Well played

So with calmness in my voice and a storm in my bowels
I prepared myself for the pregnancy howls
But labor is long, yes it starts off quite slow
And they said we still had several hours to go
Before Sarah delivered the one we would call Dip It Lowe
So the doctor told Sarah to order some snacks
And do what she could to relax

When it came to labor, I expected Sarah to be huffin and puffin
Instead she was chowing down on a pregnancy muffin!

As I imagined what our daughter would like like when grown
I looked up and saw Sarah playing a game on her phone
Labor is not as fast and intense as the movies show
So I had to keep waiting for the arrival of little Yo Lowe!
And as we waited, Sarah decided to get an epidural
But it was so terrible that hospital will never get our referral

For Sarah was already fully dilated
And instead of administering, they should have waited
The risk of danger could have been easily abated
I'm also not sure if the anesthetist was closing her eyes
But it took her not one, not two, not three, but four tries!
It's shameful we live in a world where money is first and safety is second
A high cost drug was delivered and no conscience was beckoned

No matter the pain, Sarah's not one to complain
So she pushed and she pushed and she pushed through the strain
While secretly regretting not letting me blare my delivery mix
Which was brilliantly timed for Salt N Peppa's "Push It" at track six
And out of nowhere I could see the baby starting to crown
"Sarah's Crowning Achievement", I had the best pun in town
It's good I keep most thoughts behind my tongue
Otherwise towards my balls, Sarah's fist would have flung

And then the baby came out and made the most god awful noise
UNNNGNGNGUNGNNAHGHGN!! like the most demonic of toys
I thought maybe we should shove her back in and try again later
But Sarah would have hung me from the gallows, a traitor
So instead she pulled that sweet girl close to her chest
Weary from life's greatest test
Knowing that moment was also her best
And that we'd never, ever been so blessed

But sometimes it's not all about snuggles
And the nurses took her away due to breathing struggles
Sometimes in life you hope they never pick you
As our baby girl had to spend her first night in the NICU
Though troubles often come without warning
Luckily most things are better in the morning

And in life when your lungs aren't fillin up
Remember that there's no option for givin up
So you fight because your life is for livin up

At six pounds and one ounce
Like a giraffe did she pounce
when the moon was high
and the darkness was nigh

If you ever want to see how much someone can love another
Just take a glance at this first time mother

Emmy Lou initially came out all gross and covered in goo
But it wasn't long before the NICU had her looking brand new
And we were given a birth certificate to fill out as we please
So Sarah proclaimed her name to be Emelia Louise
That's a bit wordy, I thought. I'll just call her Cheese

And then came the moment I got my first snoop
Inside of her diaper, to see me some poop!
It was black, it was tarry, it made me go ewwwwww!
Just one of the many variations I'd see as she grew
But I digress, my dear Cheese, let's get back to the story
For soon step down was graced with your glory
As those sticky lungs were no longer a worry!

Step down consisted of ten bassinets in a room
With curtains in between for germs to loom
Everyone knows not to propagate germs near new babies
But the girl next curtain's visitors definitely had scabies
As they coughed and sneezed and spread their germs
It took unparalleled restraint not to feed them to worms
Those selfish bastards didn't care about causing harm to the tykes
They just wanted to post photos and get their Instagram likes

Just as we started to hope all the trials were beyond us
The doctor came in and said Emmy had jaundice!
I said damnit doc, I don't speak no Latin
Use real words, cus my brain can't fit that in
So they put her under some special blue lights
To remove excess bilirubin via her shites

Inside her something stirred
For even though she can't speak a word
Emmy Lou communicated by flipping the bird

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best
Where you go, you'll top all the rest
Except when you don't...
Because sometimes you won't
I'm sorry to say so, but sadly it's true
That hang ups and bang ups can happen to you

Just as we thought they'd never let us leave
We finally got to take Emmy home on Christmas Eve!
That place was a prison, with no reprieve
But at least we left with no reason to grieve
Sarah was in tears as we drove our girl home
Happy to finally be alone with her little gnome

And then we got to wake up on Christmas morning
And see the fireplace, the stockings adorning
But through no wrapped boxes did we need to sift
For I was already holding the very best gift
Obviously I'm referring to my hot cup of joe
Which allowed in my bloodstream, some caffeine to flow
Oh crap, I mean the kid, definitely the kid
I forgot her again, ya that's what I did
Like the time at the hospital in that room full of babies
When I just picked one that looked like it didn't have rabies

You need not show any emotion
You already have all of our devotion
I mean you could show some, so we know you're alive
Cus I'm honestly not sure and it's a twenty minute drive

I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese Louise
I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese Louise
I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese Louise
Yeah, my name is Cheese!

Two little ladies sleeping on the couch
One held the other inside of her pouch
A hidden dragon, a tiger waiting to crouch
She pushed her out without saying ouch
A giver of life, of that I can vouch
I am forever more, a grateful slouch

May you always fall asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve
So I don't worry about you being up late with some boy named Steve

If the world is for the meek
Then this mouse is gonna squeek
From the highest peak
To the shallowest creek
There is nowhere she shan't sneak

A tisket, a tasket
A baby in a basket

Twas a log in the water
During your first bath, my daughter

How could I see you and complain
When you look like a lobster from Maine

Oh the hullabaloo
We made over sweet, little you
As day after day, you grew and you grew
And showed me a world I never knew
Never have I experienced such relentless joy
I often wonder if I saw life like this as a boy

It was also during these early days
That I learned to get through life in a daze
For it was difficult to sleep through all the crying
And believe me, I was definitely trying
But there was no rest to be had in our room
No matter how much I dreamed of a sloom

I have no doubt women are the superior gender
From giving birth to being so tender
No matter how tired, they never surrender
But enough tales of my sleeping-in crimes
I'm starting to run out of rhymes
Thus I'll switch to pictures worth more than words
Though Sarah vetoed the ones featuring turds
So we'll just start with a tree and some birds

Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh
A tree constructed by Uncle Josh
Not something bought in a store
He even built a hidden door
The gift of time and effort spent!
When love is sent, you needn't spend a cent
(But Josh smells, so there was a scent)

Peek-a-boo
my Pikachu

Things won't always work the way it should
And fear is a friend that's misunderstood
But I swear that the heart of life is good

Big yawn
little fawn

Does not compute
How can one be so cute

Sometimes in life you will sit in a chair
And people will talk and expect you to stare
And you won't learn a thing because they're so boring
So find something new, yes keep on exploring
Worry not when they speak of what you'll be earning
For it's something else entirely that your soul is yearning

So now my sweet Cheese, let me just shoot the breeze
And give you some advice if you please
I can only hope you'll go further than I ever dreamed
And live a life of happiness that few others gleamed
For the life you lead is yours for the taking
And I'm excited for the story you're already making
Just remember, while I hope your life is full of good times
You will never, ever have my dad rhymes

Listen not to those who tell you who you can't be
They have never dreamed of the life you shall see
And there will be times when you see a sign marked: Beware
But disregarding care, you'll still choose to go there
For sometimes in life, you have to conquer your fear
Or risk getting burnt out in your atmosphere
So never be afraid of the sky your under
Instead, be the lightning that tears the skies asunder
For they shall all just sit back in wonder
Knowing they could never steal your thunder

And may you be oblivious to the possessions you own
Instead think on all the kindness you've been shown
And all the happiness you have known
For before you know it, your time will have flown
And when you look back on the life that you led
I hope there will be only happy memories in your head
Possessions are nice, but they won't take you higher
So when you feel your soul stir, you follow that fire...

And then there was rage
with no button to disengage...

At one month old, what do we see
But a baby as furious as fury can be

At two months old, what do we see?
But a baby that has continued to scream at thee

Ah, but what do we see when the month hits three
But a baby that is filled with glee
So we shall flow a river unto thee
And teeming with smiles shall it ever be

For all that life has unfurled
You've put the color inside of my world

My little girl, there is one thing you'll always know to be true
No one could ever love you more than I do

In our next adventures we strengthened our father-daughter bond

As I taught you the ways of a haggard vagabond

From Orlando to Maine and all in between

In the next blog shall it be seen....

Sean and Sarah's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

Damn you baby, mom used to be mine
But then you came along with a louder whine

When you get older, I will tell you with dread
It was grandmother that dropped you upon your head
And I'll whip up a story about how I see a dent
And how you used to be....Before the accident

When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarms...

Your Aunt Candice came to spoil
You feigned a hard life, pretended to toil
But twas not real, when you pretended to struggle
Because you soon entered the land of the snuggle

Oh yes, this feeling you will learn is called dread
It regularly appears when bows are placed upon your head
So around grandmothers should you gently tread
And remember, there's no shame in pretending to be sick in bed!

The Byers Clan welcomed Number One Granddaughter
To whom they were like lambs to the slaughter
For in the stars it was long ago written
That all that cross her path shall be smitten

Twas an exhausting day
when you slept through this 5k
But you still beat Aunt Coryn and Grandma
Though upon finishing, she was more like "Could-Barely-Stand-Ma"

You look as pleased as a spider in Raid
At your very first St. Patty's Parade

Oh the places you'll go
Drifting upon the winds, a feather
Oh the life you will know
In sunshine and turbulent weather
You won't speak of time you're wasting
You'll be laughing at the life your tasting
Dancing upon a ground that's breaking
Knowing the world is for the taking

Your mom is likely to embarass you with stupid faces
So just stare into the void as if you've entered stasis

And will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed
98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed
So be your name Emmy or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea
You're off to great places, today is your day
Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way...

Tadpoles of the Gods

It was just another day in the office when I got a message from Sarah: When are you going to be home?  Within 1 nano-second of receiving this message I turned to my buddy Jonathan and said, "Holy shit dude, I'm pretty sure Sarah's pregnant".  I started to think back to how this could have happened, and then it became clear...

It was springtime.  The foliage was in bloom and my ass was displayed prominently above the mantle.  My hair was long, my mustache exquisite.  Sarah had just gotten off the road and when she came through the door I was down to just my socks.  And when I'm down to just my socks, I say, "Baby, do you know what time it is?"  To which she generally responds, "No."  And then I say, rather sensuously I might add, "Oh yeah, you know what time it is.  It's business time." And then with a thrust of my leg, I repeat,  "It's business time, that's why they call them business socks ooo!"  Then there was a lot of dancing on my part, after which I woke Sarah back up and said,  "Alright baby, I'm ready.  Do we need to be safe?"  To which she mumbled, "Probably." 

Probably.  Three little syllables that were uttered, when only a one syllable response was needed.   Listen ladies, when a man is in the throes of passion, he needs a yes or a no.  A man can't be expected to interpret words or comprehend information.  A man just wants to get laid.  Now normally, even if you risk it, your chances of getting pregnant are slim. But what Sarah doesn't understand is that I don't have normal sperm.  They don't need multiple chances to create life, they were borne to be born.  The truth is, I don't have sperm.  I have tadpoles of the Gods.

This is what happens when you use an app for birth control

Is it surprising that Sarah got pregnant within months of me hanging this photo?  Clearly fertility clinics need to update their artwork...

As soon as I got home I asked Sarah what she messaged me about earlier, to which she just pretended to be busy in the yard.  When I pressed her again, she stormed past me and said, "Do you really want to know what I wanted to talk to you about?" When she returned, she hurled something at me.  When I looked down, I saw a little white stick that said one wonderful word: Pregnant.  It's a pretty magical moment when you find out you're having a baby, but also a little gross in this instance.  I mean throwing a stick that you've peed on at someone is a little unsanitary, but I didn't feel it was the appropriate time to have that conversation with Sarah.  

What happens next is a little bit different than what happens on television and movies.  There's no instantaneous doctor appointment, you have to wait weeks.   I can tell you without question, those were the six longest weeks of my life.  You start reading the books, researching online, hearing about all the horrible things that can go wrong, and then you finally get to the ultrasound.  And once you see that crazy, little baby thrashing around in there... Wow.  That feeling is like nothing else you could ever imagine.

I've watched sunrises from mountains, snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef, witnessed a lion chase a giraffe, soared above clouds and fallen from the sky.... This is the best thing I've ever seen.

Whilst Sarah worked her way through morning sickness and all the crazy hormonal changes, I prepared for the arrival of our friend Sunny and his buddy (Now our buddy too!) Max.  Sunny likes to visit the U.S. so he can see the empire that the British could have had, if we Americans weren't better in every possible way.  Plus we have cheap electronics.  Let's be honest, it was mostly about the electronics.  He started his journey by visiting Max in Chicago and then they hopped on a train to KC.  You can take a man out of London, but he'll still travel by train.  In America we have these things called planes that take you places in 1/5 of the time, but you know, you do what you gotta do bro.  

They got in pretty late, so we just hung out for the first night and then spent the next day exploring the city.  We saw the WWI museum, ate some lunch in the crossroads, and let Sunny prove his degree was well earned.  Sarah and I decided to wait before telling Sunny to see if he could figure it out himself since he's a doctor.   And I have to concede he is good at his trade, because he called her on being pregnant as soon as she excused herself to the bathroom before lunch.  Less than half a day!  Impressive.

After lunch,  we decided to increase our spending and drove to Legends for some outlet mall shopping.  I think Sunny was the most excited to shop, but probably ended up spending the least of anyone!  Max and Sarah combined efforts to get BOGO shoes, Sarah and I got shirts, and Sunny's card kept confusing American card readers.  UK cards have chips and wireless tapping capabilities, but for some reason America has decided to stay 10 years behind and his sophisticated card was too much to handle.  Why you gotta be so posh bro?

We closed out our final day by taking a stroll through the arboretum, eating our weight in Oklahoma Joe's bbq, searching the plaza for the perfect fridge magnet, and relaxing by the fire underneath the stars at night.  A far cry from our crazy nights of drinking in London, but enjoyable all the same!

Our boy is all grown up.  Had to send him off on a train.

A Professor, a Doctor, and a Vagabond

After Sunny and Max left us, we prepared for our next trip.  Sarah had to work a software go-live in the northeast two weeks in a row, so instead of having her fly back, I met her in Philadelphia for a long weekend that also included a train down to DC.  I had never been to Philly, so I was pretty excited to go as it is the home of Rocky Balboa!  Our hotel was in a pretty awesome location, because we were within walking distance to the historic district that contains the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall, which is where the Constitution and Declaration of Independence were signed.  I didn't really care about waiting in a huge line to go inside Independence Hall, but we did go see the Liberty Bell and a showing of Mama Mia at the Walnut Street Theatre, which is the oldest theatre in the US.

The next day we were already leaving Philly for DC, but I made sure to get a Philly Cheesesteak on the way out.  We elected to walk most of the way to the train station since Sarah was having some flashes of morning sickness, which by now we had learned happen at all times of day.  After working a few hours in the train station, we finally got on board to DC and made our way to our friend James' place of work.  He really wanted to get sushi for dinner, so we had to tell him that wasn't a possibility.  And then he wanted to know if we wanted a drink while we figured out dinner, to which Sarah said she couldn't drink.  And then James co-worker said, "Oh my God, are you pregnant?", which caused his jaw to drop!

It's not the waking, it's the rising.

First there was cheese whiz.  Then came the changing of underpants.

We eventually settled on grabbing dinner at The Salt Line, which is right outside the Nationals baseball stadium and it was well worth it.  The food was delicious and the desserts were ridiculously large.  Later that evening we went back to James place so we could wait for Ian and Julin to get back from Julin's school dance.  Julin was also kind enough to let us crash in her room during our stay.  The next day we set out for some DC adventures with Ian and Julin, which was actually pretty cheap since all the museums are free!  We started our morning with a trip to the National Air and Space Museum, which had an absurd amount of planes hanging from the rafters as well as some pretty cool NASA displays.

After a brief stop for a food truck lunch, we made our way to the National Museum of Natural History, which is alarmingly similar to the British version housed in London.  It was also here that we let Ian and Julin in on the secret!  Julin was pretty excited and even got a list of baby names starting with S going for us.  I said I was fine with the first name starting with an S, so long as the middle name is Yo.  Skylar Yo Lowe sounds like a good name to me...

People asked me about the museum.  I said it's got a pretty plane set up.  Let's be honest, I was born to make dad jokes.

I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl...

I decided to donate a mold, nay an erection of unparalleled beauty to the museum.  It is now enshrined.  I'm not surprised.

After getting our fill of museums I really wanted to see the giant statue of Lincoln, so we headed that way.  We also passed this really big, white house along the way, but I wasn't really that intrigued by it.  Plus I heard the senile old man that lives there is a sexist a-hole.  James was finally wrapped up with work by the time we got to the Lincoln Memorial, so he was able to meet up with us so we could all get dinner together.

The next day we crashed Julin's karate class, where I was heart broken to find that she had moved on from me as a potential crush to her karate instructor.  You disappear from a teenage girls life for one year and you become old news!  We hung out for a few more hours, but before we knew it, Ian was already taking us to the airport.  Those long weekends always seem so short...

I asked if we could see the giant statue of Lincoln sitting down.  Sarah said, "Do you mean the Lincoln Memorial?".  Listen, we aren't all sophisticated and well learned, some of us just call the stuff what the stuff is.

You need a little light to guide the way, waiting on the sun to shine again.  You gotta keep your head up high, you gotta keep your head up high.  You need a little hope to carry on in the middle of the night when you're alone.  You gotta keep your head up high, you gotta keep your head up high...

Sarah and I spent weeks planning our next big trip for the year, a return to Europe!  It was a 17 day adventure that took us to five countries, but that's a story for another blog...

Random GoPros

Look at all these planes, where are they going to take my little girl?

There's so much to do in DC that even the biggest landmarks aren't that packed.

Probably one of the best views in DC

Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

Sarah's face after I asked her if we could name the baby Dip It Lowe.  She didn't think Han So Lowe or Wang Hung Lowe were good names either.

Soaking up the Kansas City skyline!

Sunny tried to convince Sarah to run away with him since he's a more successful Asian.  Damn you Dr. Patel!

Watching a pregnant woman eat a banana split is like watching an leopard slaughter a gazelle

They might as well be sisters with their matching ponytails and blue shirts!

She's never entertained by me.  It's very frustrating.

James was 10 minutes late to our group photo!