Lower Laos = Lowsy Lowe

When most people leave Vientiane in a Southerly direction, they go all the way down the Mekong to the Four Thousand Islands, which are near the border to Cambodia.  I, however, decided to get off the beaten track and see some of the smaller towns along the way, more out of curiosity than desire to see any specific attractions.  I ended up going with the three towns highlighted in Lonely Planet, even though I typically make a habit of not using that book as I prefer to freestyle.  I'm also usually disappointed in their recommendations as they are typically more expensive than what you find on your own (the shoestring version recommends places that cost upwards of $40/night....that's literally 10x what I pay in some towns), and the activities section often miss a lot of things you can find by just walking around.  There are many view points, caves, etc. that aren't mentioned, because Lonely Planet focuses more heavily on tours you pay to go on.  Maybe I'll write my own series, the Lowenly Planet, a guidebook for the poor.  
Ready to start my journey, I took the twenty minute tuk tuk ride to the Southern bus station in Vientiane for 30,000 kip, haggled down from 60,000.  The price of my bus ticket for the six hour ride to Tha Khek, was 60,000.  It's insane how much a tuk tuk ride is in comparison to how cheap the public buses are.  In the words of Will Ferrell, it's simply mind bottling.  Tha Khek is supposed to have cool colonial French architecture... I couldn't distinguish how it was different from the rest of Laos.  When we arrived at the bus station, the tuk tuk drivers wanted us to pay 30,000 to go 2 kilometers into town, which everyone declined.  However, there was a local kid being picked up by his parents, who told us to hop in the back of their pickup for a free ride into town.  Peeps be nice!

Upon being dropped off, I started doing what I normally do;  I find a white person and ask them where the cheap guest houses are.  The dude I asked was from South Africa and offered to give me a ride around on a scooter to find a hostel.  So many nice fellow travellers!  He told me that guest houses were sparse and if I could find a room for under 100,000/night, I should take it.  He dropped me at a place that had a room available for 80,000 kip ($10), so I thanked him for the ride and went to scope it out.  However, there was no wifi and the dude working there immediately tried to sell me drugs, so I decided to pass and find something a little less shady.  I walked around for 30 minutes before finding another guest house, jeepers.  After asking for the price, I was told the only room available cost 150,000.  I told him I couldn't afford to spend that much and asked if he knew of any cheaper places.  He told me to head down the block to the Mekong River and turn right, where I would find plenty of cheap guest houses. 

Probably the classiest urinal I've ever used

Thailand, it's still weird to stare at another country across a river

The Mekong reminds me of the Mississippi, except it's not disgustingly polluted and can support life

Every town in Southern Laos seems to have these giant inflatable playhouses for the kids... I wanna play too :'(

Well, it turned out that dude just being a dick, as the only thing to the right were luxury hotels.  I don't know why some people gotta have so much hate in the hearts, gotta let a little love in there.  Thus I walked around for another thirty minutes under the darkening sky before a dude on a scooter asked me if I wanted a ride to his hostel.  I figured what the heck and hopped on.  It was also 80,000/night with no wifi, but the guest house was brand new and I was the first to use the room.  It was basically equivalent to the type of room I stayed in with Josh and Anna in Thailand, with air conditioning and plenty of floor space.  The dude even gave me a brand new towel that hadn't been unwrapped yet!  So in the end, everything worked out.  After checking in he even drove me back into town to a restaurant with wifi and then picked me up afterwards to take me back.

There wasn't anything much to do in Tha Khek, really my only option was to enjoy the river.  I took advantage of the downtime by doing a few timelapses, watching the sunset, and catering to my wifi addiction during meals.  I also made the most of my giant room by dominating three p90x/insanity workouts.  One day there was definitely enough though, so the next day I headed to the bus station to buy my ticket for Savannakhet, which was possibly the worst decision of my life.  

Lonely Planet highlights Savannakhet for "it's honey colored French villas, which evoke a sense of grand nastalgia"...  Honey, the only thing villa about that write up is that it's villainous.  Who pays them to write/make up that crap? Savannakhet is a run down town, with crumbling buildings, potholed roads, no wifi, and limited guest houses/restaurants.  It's definitely not a backpacker town, I'm not even sure it's the type of town that a human being with a desire to live should enter.  

After getting off the bus and taking a tuk-tuk to the town's center, a few people asked the driver where to find guest houses and he said to walk up to the river and turn left.... Let's just say there's no guest houses in that direction.  It's strange because on one hand, maybe the guy truly didn't know where guest houses were and just made something up, but at the same time he's a tuk tuk driver in a town of 50,000 people...  He has to know where at least one guest house is.  It took me 45 minutes, but I eventually found a place, though the price was absurd at 90,000/night ($11), especially since it was the worst place I've stayed since entering Laos.  After re-hydrating and dropping off my big bag, I set out to find some wifi and see what the town had to offer.

The only thing French about this place was how much it stunk!!! bahaha, French people are stinky

Dudes making Buddha statues, I was a little surprised, because I thought the monks made them.

Lonely Planet claims the Dinosaur museum is an interesting place to spend an hour.  The museum consists of two rooms, each roughly seven paces wide by five paces deep.  Some of the display cases weren't even filled with dinosaur bones, rather occupied by fish bones and different types of rocks.  The dinosaur fossils were disappointing;  Incomplete skeletal remains or cheap models that were clearly fake.  I wouldn't have been shocked to find a Hasbro Made in China sticker on them.  The only way you could spend more than seven minutes in there was if you had no legs or arms and had to roll from case to case or if you were blind and had Morgan Freeman narrating each item with intense specificity. 

I walked around for another few hours, passing only three more guest houses and zero places with wifi.  There were hardly any restaurants, instead the majority of dining options involved buying meat on a stick from one of the food vendors along the river.  I felt like maybe I should eat some vegetables instead of just meat, so I headed to one of the few restaurants I had passed earlier.  I was keen for a break from Laos food, so I just went with a simple order of beef fried rice with a water to drink.  What I got was contaminated food and a beer.

If you're going to have a fake T-Rex, at least have it be Rex from Toy Story.  None of this Australian flag stuffed animal at the base of a fake skeleton BS.

This is the femur of the Seannosaurus Rex, the most cunning and ruggedly handsome dinosaur that ever lived

I awoke at 5 in the morning and felt like something was wrong, but decided to try and sleep it off.  Eventually I went to the bathroom and realized I had food poisoning, as it has a pretty distinct symptom list.  At 9 o'clock I decided if I wasn't sick for another hour, I would go to my next destination, Pakse, otherwise I would stay another night in that overpriced hell hole.  When the clock struck 10, I hadn't been sick, so I made my way to the bus station.  When I got on the bus, it was about 2/3 full, so I snagged the only available window seat, which was in the back left corner, just in case.  For local buses in Laos, it's normal to have a few more passengers than seats, with extra passengers sitting on makeshift seats of coolers, plastic stools, etc.  This bus however, was packed to the point where there were 6 people packed between my elevated back row and the row in front of me, in addition to an extra 15 people sitting on stools in the aisle of the bus.  

I was still feeling pretty awful when the bus rolled out, but with the cool breeze from the open window blowing across my face, I started to feel better.  That feeling was short lived however, as the bus broke down for the first time of the trip and workers started spilling out to inspect the front left tire.  Since no one got off the bus and the aisle was packed, I couldn't exit and enjoy some fresh air and started to feel sick again.  After thirty minutes, during which I sat with my head in my knees, the bus finally started up again and we were back on our way, but I was already past the point of no return.  I could feel my stomach churning and I started to dry heave, waiting for my stomach to wretch up it's remaining contents.  Since buses in Laos are made for locals, the window was half a foot lower than my height required, and I had to duck my entire head down and out the window to avoid the wind blowing my puke back into the bus.  

I can only imagine the scene as it appeared to the gentleman riding his scooter behind the bus, seeing this frantic, maniacal head pop out of a window and start vomiting onto the roadway.  Not to mention the tendrils of saliva infused vomit that were dangling from my mouth and blowing in the wind.  My head was also frantically darting backwards in between vomits to watch the oncoming traffic in case a semi or other tall vehicle was passing by, which would have decapitated me if I failed to pull my head back into the bus in time.  After a minute or so, I wiped my face and brought my head back into the bus, and luckily no one had any idea what the heck I was doing back there.  I'm not sure why my travels always seem to go wrong, but at least it's entertaining.  I never know what's going to happen next!

During our next stop, which was also due to the bus breaking down, I hopped off and secured some green cream soda to see if the carbonation would help settle my stomach.  Luckily it did!  I ended up pounding another soda at the next stop as well, but still had no appetite for food, which was unfortunate since I'm already on the final notch of my belt loop and will have to buy a new one if I lose any more weight.  I'm only a few pounds away from looking like Christian Bale in The Machinist.  When we finally arrived in Pakse after 6.5 hours and a third breakdown, I was pretty exhausted.  I was able to find a hostel a few minutes away from the bus stop and dropped off all my bags and went to find something to eat.  Unfortunately it was already dark and the only food I was able to find in a 10 minute radius was meat on a stick, which I didn't think I could keep down.  None of the restaurants I found had people that could speak English or had menus for me to point at pictures and the only other option was a buffet of bbq'd meats, which was out of my budget at $6.  I ended up settling for a can of Pringles and then crawled into my bed and watched some HBO..... I was pretty stoked just to see a TV, let alone one with HBO!!!

Whenever I see a track I just wonder, can anyone keep track of how many times the thought of me lying naked on a chaise lounge while eating freshly peeled grapes runs through their mind each day?....and then I realize it's 0 and cry myself to sleep.

Let the sky be clouded and your mind be clear.  Strong of body, strong of mind

If you want a dust covered, fume infused piece of meat on a stick, go no further. 

I spent my first day/night in Pakse shitting what appeared to be watered down KFC gravy, convinced I was going to die of dehydration or dysentery. Ergo, at 11 the next morning, I set out on a journey to find food to try and make the situation a little more solid.  I ended up wandering into what I suppose was the main town center, but still wasn't able to find any restaurants, instead just finding 30 atms and a bunch of shops.  I did however spot a grocery store, where I bought myself some bread and a $6 jar of peanut butter.  After months of Asian food, a peanut butter sandwich was so ridiculously, nostalgically delicious.

I ventured out again for a walk in the afternoon and grabbed some dinner, but I was still feeling less than a hundred percent, so I mostly just laid in bed and rested up.   Heck, I even started doing my taxes!  Damn you America, I haven't lived there for 6 months and I'm still going to have to pay the government a few thousand dollars...How is that fair?

I love flied foods!

The next morning I caught some of the Superbowl, but realized the Broncos had no chance after the first quarter, so quit watching and started packing up my stuff and getting ready for the day's journey.  I was finally heading to the Four Thousand Islands, the place I was most excited about in Laos.  I had to ride on another new form of transportation to get there, one that threatened the sanctity of my personal bubble...but that's a story for another blog

Random Gopros

Time Lapsing the sunset...Speaking of laps, I wonder, can anyone keep track of how many times the thought of me...

How do I even know that's a dinosaur tail, for all I know it's the tail of a fucking human

Possibly the place that poisoned me.  Avoid the minced shrimp Omelette, it's the cheapest thing on the menu for a reason slugger

The bus I puked out of.  The lady to the right kept sleeping with her head on my shoulder, apparently unconcerned that I looked and smelled like death

My shadow always looks crazy in GoPro pics

Watch where you step or you could end up tumbling into the slums below

Kiss Kiss Vang Vieng

I wanted to do something cool for my birthday and my options were rock climbing, kayaking/tubing, or riding in a hot air balloon.  I decided to go for the kayaking option as it involved drinking a few beers and being on the water, two of my favorite activities.  Plus at $76, that air balloon was simply out of my budget, I'm not made of money.  Once our group gathered, we all started laughing because everyone's description of the day's activities was completely different.  I wasn't surprised, because I had noticed that my itinerary wrapped up with a one hour trek to catch the sunset, before being returned to Vang Vieng by 4:30.  That's a remarkably early sunset!  

We started out by driving about 30 minutes north of town to check out two caves.  The first one was pretty awesome, as we got to tube through the first portion, before hopping out of the tubes to crawl through the remaining sector.  Once we were done exploring we tubed back out and ate lunch.  Our next stop was the Elephant Cave, which technically is more of a crevice than a cave, going maybe 3 meters deep.  There's also a carving of an elephant, which we were told was a naturally occurring formation, but judging by the mixed coloration and smooth contours, that was definitely a lie.  

I love ruins, so much imagination in determining where they came from and what magical abilities they have

Cave Tubing!

There's nothing natural about this formation

A few people were tubing instead of kayaking, so that left us with 4 groups:  An American lady who was to be paired up with the instructor, a couple from Chile, a couple from China, and finally Andreas (Italy) and I.  I was pretty excited, because every time I've kayaked I've had to sit in the back so I could steer, so I finally got to sit in front and enjoy the unobstructed views.  That lasted for all of about 3 minutes however, as the chinese couple crashed their kayak twice before even making it to the first set of rapids.  Thus, it was determined I should switch spots with one of them, so I could steer their kayak, losing my precious view :'(.  

About halfway through the kayaking journey, we stopped at a bar to grab a few drinks and enjoy a round of free shots.  Vang Vieng is known for tubing, so there are bars set up along the river for tubers to stop at along the way.  There used to be around 30, but now there are only 3, due to safety concerns related to a few dozen deaths in recent years.  Meh.  After a brief time relaxing, we hopped back in the kayaks and paddled to our final destination, which was conveniently at the base of my guest house.  That night I was wandering around and ran into Andreas, so we grabbed some pizzas and beer.  Afterwards I spoiled myself by grabbing the bizarre flavor of Pringles I kept seeing, Mayo and Cheese (disgusting btw), as well as a chocolate/nutella/banana crepe.  It was pretty much a terrible day for my diet, but I figured what the hell, it's my birthday.  

The next day I just started wandering through town until I found a bridge that crossed the river, because the land looked pretty remote on the other side.  I ended up finding paths to two caves, each with 10,000 Kip entry fees ($1.25).  The first was actually set up to be climbed, with wooden ladders set up in a few spots deemed to be dangerous.  It took about 15-20 mins to get to the top and it was well worth the effort.  The 360 views were amazing and the weather was perfect.  Supposedly you could also enter the cave about halfway up, but the path wasn't marked so you'd have to correctly guess where it was.  Most people at the top didn't even know you could enter the cave, let alone know where to find the entrance.  The guy who worked the entrance said 5 minutes inside would be enough (that's what she said), so it probably wasn't too amazing (that's the opposite of what she said).  Climbing that cave was pretty awesome, but there's no way it would pass safety requirements in the states. If you slipped you were definitely going to get injured.

Follow me brothers

Each rung of the ladder is held in by two nails....most are loose

Beautiful

It's satisfying being on top

I wanna change the world, I don't just wanna watch it go by...

The second cave, Lusi, was about a 10 minute hike from the first.  For an extra fee you could see a lagoon but I didn't deem it worthy of my money and saved $1.  I figured they were going to charge me extra for a guide, so I said I'd go alone, but apparently the guide is required since people can't enter the cave alone due to safety concerns.  It was pretty weird being in so many caves, because I hadn't been to one in like 4 months, and then I went to 3 in two days.  They're so creepy and cool at the same time.

When I finally returned to my hostel, I noticed an email from my mother stating that she hoped I got the e-card she'd sent me.  I think we both know it was a cover up as there was no e-card, and the belated message was a failed attempt to mask that she had in fact forgotten to wish me happy birthday.  A recycled candy bar for Christmas, and a forgotten birthday.  Normally I would forgive such an atrocious act (No I wouldn't, I'm way to petty for that), but this was in fact the third time she's missed my birthday. The first was, ironically, my first birthday, where I received no presents and no celebration was held, because she thought I wouldn't remember... Wouldn't remember?  I will never forget that atrocity.  My 12th birthday was also missed as my parents took a cruise to the Caribbean, while my babysitter made me some Mac'N'Cheese... and I'm not even sure it was Kraft!  And now another birthday forgotten, meaning roughly 12% of my birthdays have been skipped either intentionally or unintentionally.  She'll have no need to "wonder why" when she receives a burning bag of diarrhea for Mother's Day.  

I took the path less traveled by and that has made all the difference...

This formation is Lusi

This rock looks like a bird from the back

And a dog from the side! It looked like a turtle from the other side, pretty creepy.  It also kind of looks like a pelican with a tiny body and a giant head, if you make the top point the tail, with the beak going towards the ground.

After bumming around for another day, I decided to spend my final day in town rock climbing, which I'd only ever done once...on an artificial rock climbing wall.  There are two options, half day or full day. The full day was only $5 more and included lunch, so I figured why not?  I was the only person from my morning group to choose the full day, in fact only one other person out of all the groups chose to do full day as well.  The afternoon portion was pretty cool, because I got to work mostly 1 on 1 with one of the guides, so he let me try out the harder walls and then showed me how to complete them after I got to a point I couldn't finish.  He would also go up the walls and place a bunch of extra clips along the way, then have me go up afterwards and remove all of them before repelling back down.  

After finishing climbing for the day, the afternoon group all decided to grab some food/beverages and watch the sunset.  We also agreed to meet up later that night to grab some drinks at one of the local bars. When I arrived only Celene (France) was there, but Lily (Mexico) rolled in a few minutes later as well.  The Israeli couple that climbed with us also eventually made it, so we were all able to share a few drinks together.  

I have the climbing acumen of an Emperor Penguin

Not a bad place to live...The shrubbery kind of looks like a giant sitting on a hillside with a giant S in front of him

I would follow this dog to the ends of the earth

Vang Vieng Sunset

The next morning I woke up and packed my bags before heading down to find a bus that would take me to Vientiane, but noticed that my shoes were missing.  In Asia, it's pretty standard that you take your shoes off before entering places.  Usually that's pretty safe, but apparently my kicks looked too new, probably because Josh had just brought them to me at the animal park 2 weeks prior.  Thus they were stolen and likely resold.  However, I'm probably not as in need as the person who ended up with my shoes, so hopefully whoever has them is enjoying thy stylish kicks.  

The guys at reception called their boss and comped me one night of my stay for my loss.  It was only $6, but that was better than nothing, so I was cool with it.  I procured my bus ticket and then went to wander, to make sure I didn't dwell on my shoe loss or get upset about it.  As I walked around I noticed a restaurant and decided I'd head there for lunch since my bus didn't leave until 1.  I also had to run back to the bar we were at the night before because I forgot to pay for one of my beers when they kicked everyone out for bar close and I can't risk any more bad karma.

Once lunchtime arrived, I headed back to the restaurant I had passed and learned it was run pretty much entirely by a ten year old girl.  It also had a shake I'd never heard of, the coconut peanut shake.  It was insatiable and I was thinking, maybe it's a blessing in disguise my shoes were stolen, because otherwise I wouldn't have just had my taste buds blown like this.  I also ended up running into Lily, who coincidentally, was going on the same bus to Vientiane.  I was finally on a VIP bus, mostly because it was the only option, but still I was moving up in the world.  They even ran a service to pick you up from your guest house, though it didn't go so smoothly for me.

After I was picked up by the shuttle, we went to the next guest house to gather more passengers and the driver started asking for tickets.  Upon seeing mine, he told me it wasn't good enough and I had to get off and buy another ticket.  Looking at my watch and realizing the big bus was set to leave in 15 minutes, I hustled back to my hostel, which was now a few blocks away and told the dude at reception what had happened.  He was flummoxed and called them to see what the deal was, being informed they had no idea why the guy kicked me off the shuttle bus.  5 minutes later same shuttle drove back and I hopped back on laughing.  The Korean family in the back, who had seen me get kicked off previously started laughing as well and welcomed me back on board.  

I finally got to the VIP bus and located Lily as we waited for the bus to get loaded up.  The ride took just under 4 hours with a stop for ice cream, which was all sorts of amazing!  Lily was going to spend the night at the airport since her flight left at nine the next morning, but I told her she could just crash in my room since it was a double.  World of good deeds people, let's make it happen!   We bummed around until we found the night market where sushi was four for $1.  My wallet loves Asia sometimes.  We also stumbled upon a giant arcade/carnival type place, so we tapped into our rage and hopped in the bumper cars.  You're never too old to be a kid!

He hears the ticking of the clocks, walks along with a parrot that talks.  Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailors all come in, maybe she'll pick him out again.  How long must he wait? One more time for a simple twist of fate...

I said tell me your name, is it sweet? She said my boy it's Dagger...oh yeah

As you're watching the wind blow through your front yard... Don't follow your head, follow your heart

I spent the next day bumming around the city and kept randomly finding monuments, heck I even found the Presidential Palace!  Eventually I stumbled upon a city map and realized I had hit 5 of the 8 main attractions by chance so decided to go find the other three, the last being a mall, where I was hoping to find some replacement kicks.  Some malls in Asia are set up a little unconventionally.  They don't have set shops, like most malls, so for example this one had stalls all around the outside of the building and throughout bottom level; Clothing, pharmacy, and luggage on the main level; And food/jewelry on the second floor.  The top four levels were all shut down.  My dreams of finding shoes were quickly destroyed as the biggest size available was a puny 9 and I needed 11, so it wasn't meant to be.  Here's an educational roundup of my tourist adventure:

That Dam Stupa - Twas built in the early 1600s and originally named King Koupa Stupa. However, after Mario defeated Koupa and rescued Princess Peach in the early 90s, he started referring to it as that damn stupa and the name stuck... True story

Chao Anouvong Statue - Chao Anouvong holds the Guinness World Record for Smelliest Fart...There were nine casualties

Presidential Palace - Obama was not here.  Apparently other countries have presidents too, even though America rules the world.  Silly foreigners.

Vat Sisaket - The Buddha is believed to have been the pre-incarnation of Macho Man Randy Savage

Hor Phakeo - All Asians look the same (I figured I should have one true educational fact in here..for the children that read my blog)

Namphu Fountain - The Namphu Fountain shut itself down during the latter half of 2013 out of fear of what Miley Cyrus might do to it one day

As I was wandering back to my guest house, I ran into Andreas from kayaking, who was roaming the streets with his wife, who was a native of Laos.  They gave some ideas on where to get shoes and I eventually found some in my size!  Apparently I'm a European 44 and a Japanese 270.  In other words, I'm beyond being a man's man, I'm more like a god's god.  When all was said and done I had spent six hours walking around the city, so I was pretty much dead.

The  mighty Mekong, my favorite river

I can either get you knock off Louis Vuitton or genuine Louis Fontaine - your call

That evening I got online to figure out my route through Southern Laos as the Lonely Planet guide is really skimpy in it's coverage of Laos and doesn't tell you the geographic location of each destination.  A flaw that makes it difficult to traverse the land in the cheapest way possible.  I eventually settled on going to three small towns before heading to the 4000 Islands, but that tragic story requires it's own blog.

Random GoPros

After reviewing my gopro photos from the tubing cave, I'm convinced it was haunted.  That ribbon of light looks insane, it has perfect wavelengths, and appears to be twisting through dimensions

That is definitely a ghost or demon. It has an ear and a face, and lights shooting out of it.  That thing is more ghost than Swayze.  How creepy are these photos!?!?!  It's either ghosts or inter-dimensional creatures.  I'm  not going to go as far as saying this provides evidence that other mythical things like the Dementors, Sasquatches, Dinosaurs, or Justin Bieber's testicles are real, but I think it strongly supports the supernatural possibility.  Just Sayin.

Thank God I'm out of the haunted cave

Shotgun!!!!

Groupie...I immediately regret typing that

Nice glasses Nerd!!!

I used to work in a cube and had no control...I was under control.  Now I live in the moment and have no control...I'm out of control

I'm an amazing climber, but a terrible photographer

I can make that drop....

Do you need more flags bros

House Targaryan All Day Son!!! Daenerys FTW

Palais Presidential