All words that were written, were written for you
I hope when you read this, you'll be drinking a beer
Because if you find this before 21...I have so much to fear
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I was sitting at work, looking handsome as ever
Unaware that my life would soon be changing forever!
For Sarah texted, "I have something we need to review"
And I thought to myself, oh no, can it be true?
Did I forget to clear my web browser history!
Did she discover I watched the British Bake Off without thee?
But instead she spoke of putting her pants in the drier
Apparently her water had broken three hours prior!!!
Unconvinced of labor, she just kept on working
Apparently unconcerned that a delivery was lurking
Thus I rushed home, without a moment to waste
And then for 30 minutes I paced and paced...
For Sarah decided she need to wrap up her call
Because obviously with labor, you can just stall!
Finally in the car she started feeling contraction after contraction
And it dawned upon me, I'd be going months without any action!
Dog gone it little baby, I just wanted to get laid
And to you Biology.... Well played
So with calmness in my voice and a storm in my bowels
I prepared myself for the pregnancy howls
But labor is long, yes it starts off quite slow
And they said we still had several hours to go
Before Sarah delivered the one we would call Dip It Lowe
So the doctor told Sarah to order some snacks
And do what she could to relax
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| When it came to labor, I expected Sarah to be huffin and puffin Instead she was chowing down on a pregnancy muffin! |
I looked up and saw Sarah playing a game on her phone
Labor is not as fast and intense as the movies show
So I had to keep waiting for the arrival of little Yo Lowe!
And as we waited, Sarah decided to get an epidural
But it was so terrible that hospital will never get our referral
For Sarah was already fully dilated
And instead of administering, they should have waited
The risk of danger could have been easily abated
I'm also not sure if the anesthetist was closing her eyes
But it took her not one, not two, not three, but four tries!
It's shameful we live in a world where money is first and safety is second
A high cost drug was delivered and no conscience was beckoned
No matter the pain, Sarah's not one to complain
So she pushed and she pushed and she pushed through the strain
While secretly regretting not letting me blare my delivery mix
Which was brilliantly timed for Salt N Peppa's "Push It" at track six
And out of nowhere I could see the baby starting to crown
"Sarah's Crowning Achievement", I had the best pun in town
It's good I keep most thoughts behind my tongue
Otherwise towards my balls, Sarah's fist would have flung
And then the baby came out and made the most god awful noise
UNNNGNGNGUNGNNAHGHGN!! like the most demonic of toys
I thought maybe we should shove her back in and try again later
But Sarah would have hung me from the gallows, a traitor
So instead she pulled that sweet girl close to her chest
Weary from life's greatest test
Knowing that moment was also her best
And that we'd never, ever been so blessed
But sometimes it's not all about snuggles
And the nurses took her away due to breathing struggles
Sometimes in life you hope they never pick you
As our baby girl had to spend her first night in the NICU
Though troubles often come without warning
Luckily most things are better in the morning
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| And in life when your lungs aren't fillin up Remember that there's no option for givin up So you fight because your life is for livin up |
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| At six pounds and one ounce Like a giraffe did she pounce when the moon was high and the darkness was nigh |
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| If you ever want to see how much someone can love another Just take a glance at this first time mother |
But it wasn't long before the NICU had her looking brand new
And we were given a birth certificate to fill out as we please
So Sarah proclaimed her name to be Emelia Louise
That's a bit wordy, I thought. I'll just call her Cheese
And then came the moment I got my first snoop
Inside of her diaper, to see me some poop!
It was black, it was tarry, it made me go ewwwwww!
Just one of the many variations I'd see as she grew
But I digress, my dear Cheese, let's get back to the story
For soon step down was graced with your glory
As those sticky lungs were no longer a worry!
Step down consisted of ten bassinets in a room
With curtains in between for germs to loom
Everyone knows not to propagate germs near new babies
But the girl next curtain's visitors definitely had scabies
As they coughed and sneezed and spread their germs
It took unparalleled restraint not to feed them to worms
Those selfish bastards didn't care about causing harm to the tykes
They just wanted to post photos and get their Instagram likes
Just as we started to hope all the trials were beyond us
The doctor came in and said Emmy had jaundice!
I said damnit doc, I don't speak no Latin
Use real words, cus my brain can't fit that in
So they put her under some special blue lights
To remove excess bilirubin via her shites
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| Inside her something stirred For even though she can't speak a word Emmy Lou communicated by flipping the bird |
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| Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best Where you go, you'll top all the rest Except when you don't... Because sometimes you won't I'm sorry to say so, but sadly it's true That hang ups and bang ups can happen to you |
We finally got to take Emmy home on Christmas Eve!
That place was a prison, with no reprieve
But at least we left with no reason to grieve
Sarah was in tears as we drove our girl home
Happy to finally be alone with her little gnome
And then we got to wake up on Christmas morning
And see the fireplace, the stockings adorning
But through no wrapped boxes did we need to sift
For I was already holding the very best gift
Obviously I'm referring to my hot cup of joe
Which allowed in my bloodstream, some caffeine to flow
Oh crap, I mean the kid, definitely the kid
I forgot her again, ya that's what I did
Like the time at the hospital in that room full of babies
When I just picked one that looked like it didn't have rabies
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| You need not show any emotion You already have all of our devotion I mean you could show some, so we know you're alive Cus I'm honestly not sure and it's a twenty minute drive |
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| I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese Louise I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese Louise I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese, I'm a Cheese Louise Yeah, my name is Cheese! |
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| Two little ladies sleeping on the couch One held the other inside of her pouch A hidden dragon, a tiger waiting to crouch She pushed her out without saying ouch A giver of life, of that I can vouch I am forever more, a grateful slouch |
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| May you always fall asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve So I don't worry about you being up late with some boy named Steve
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| A tisket, a tasket A baby in a basket |
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| Twas a log in the water During your first bath, my daughter |
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| How could I see you and complain When you look like a lobster from Maine |
We made over sweet, little you
As day after day, you grew and you grew
And showed me a world I never knew
Never have I experienced such relentless joy
I often wonder if I saw life like this as a boy
It was also during these early days
That I learned to get through life in a daze
For it was difficult to sleep through all the crying
And believe me, I was definitely trying
But there was no rest to be had in our room
No matter how much I dreamed of a sloom
I have no doubt women are the superior gender
From giving birth to being so tender
No matter how tired, they never surrender
But enough tales of my sleeping-in crimes
I'm starting to run out of rhymes
Thus I'll switch to pictures worth more than words
Though Sarah vetoed the ones featuring turds
So we'll just start with a tree and some birds
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| Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh A tree constructed by Uncle Josh Not something bought in a store He even built a hidden door The gift of time and effort spent! When love is sent, you needn't spend a cent (But Josh smells, so there was a scent) |
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| Peek-a-boo my Pikachu |
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| Things won't always work the way it should And fear is a friend that's misunderstood But I swear that the heart of life is good |
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| Big yawn little fawn |
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| Does not compute How can one be so cute |
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| Sometimes in life you will sit in a chair And people will talk and expect you to stare And you won't learn a thing because they're so boring So find something new, yes keep on exploring Worry not when they speak of what you'll be earning For it's something else entirely that your soul is yearning |
And give you some advice if you please
I can only hope you'll go further than I ever dreamed
And live a life of happiness that few others gleamed
For the life you lead is yours for the taking
And I'm excited for the story you're already making
Just remember, while I hope your life is full of good times
You will never, ever have my dad rhymes
Listen not to those who tell you who you can't be
They have never dreamed of the life you shall see
And there will be times when you see a sign marked: Beware
But disregarding care, you'll still choose to go there
For sometimes in life, you have to conquer your fear
Or risk getting burnt out in your atmosphere
So never be afraid of the sky your under
Instead, be the lightning that tears the skies asunder
For they shall all just sit back in wonder
Knowing they could never steal your thunder
And may you be oblivious to the possessions you own
Instead think on all the kindness you've been shown
And all the happiness you have known
For before you know it, your time will have flown
And when you look back on the life that you led
I hope there will be only happy memories in your head
Possessions are nice, but they won't take you higher
So when you feel your soul stir, you follow that fire...
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| And then there was rage with no button to disengage... |
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| At one month old, what do we see But a baby as furious as fury can be |
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| At two months old, what do we see? But a baby that has continued to scream at thee |
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| Ah, but what do we see when the month hits three But a baby that is filled with glee So we shall flow a river unto thee And teeming with smiles shall it ever be |
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| For all that life has unfurled You've put the color inside of my world |
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| My little girl, there is one thing you'll always know to be true No one could ever love you more than I do |
As I taught you the ways of a haggard vagabond
From Orlando to Maine and all in between
In the next blog shall it be seen....
Sean and Sarah's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps
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Damn you baby, mom used to be mine
But then you came along with a louder whine |
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| When you get older, I will tell you with dread It was grandmother that dropped you upon your head And I'll whip up a story about how I see a dent And how you used to be....Before the accident |
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| When the whole world fits inside of your arms Don't really need to pay attention to the alarms... |
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| Your Aunt Candice came to spoil You feigned a hard life, pretended to toil But twas not real, when you pretended to struggle Because you soon entered the land of the snuggle |
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| Oh yes, this feeling you will learn is called dread It regularly appears when bows are placed upon your head So around grandmothers should you gently tread And remember, there's no shame in pretending to be sick in bed! |
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| The Byers Clan welcomed Number One Granddaughter To whom they were like lambs to the slaughter For in the stars it was long ago written That all that cross her path shall be smitten |
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| Twas an exhausting day when you slept through this 5k But you still beat Aunt Coryn and Grandma Though upon finishing, she was more like "Could-Barely-Stand-Ma" |
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| You look as pleased as a spider in Raid At your very first St. Patty's Parade |
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| Oh the places you'll go Drifting upon the winds, a feather Oh the life you will know In sunshine and turbulent weather You won't speak of time you're wasting You'll be laughing at the life your tasting Dancing upon a ground that's breaking Knowing the world is for the taking |
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| Your mom is likely to embarass you with stupid faces So just stare into the void as if you've entered stasis |
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| And will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed 98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed So be your name Emmy or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea You're off to great places, today is your day Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way... |
