The Rise and Fall of Seantonio Banderas

With a writing speed that rivals only that of George R.R. Martin's, I've fallen a year behind on my blog!  Writing this blog has been a tumultuous endeavor as it highlights one of the worst milestones of my life and has forced me to face some hard facts.  With twenty four winters passing since my last modeling gig and a hairline that's receding faster than the polar ice caps,  I've had to accept that I'm only better looking than most people now.  And that's quite humbling.    One day you're turning heads, the next your turning thirty.  I'm an old man now, and this is my story...

Instead of experiencing a traditional Thanksgiving that involves unbuckling your pants to make room for dessert, watching football, and drinking beer, Sarah decided to surprise me with a trip to Minnesota for the holiday weekend so we could watch some basketball.  I hadn't been to Minnesota in over a decade, so I was pretty impressed by how awesome Minneapolis and St. Paul were.  The public transport is legit, with direct routes from the airport to both downtowns, as well as an expansive indoor skywalk that connects all major buildings in downtown Minneapolis.

Outside of the game, we didn't have any set plans, so we mostly just wandered around and drank beer since there are microbreweries everywhere.  I don't know if the excessive visiting of said microbreweries or an overwhelming quantity of MSG impacted my judgment, but I can definitively say that St. Paul has the best Thai food in America.  We also took advantage the Black Friday sales to purchase the Oregon Trail card game.  However, this led me down an unfortunate path brimming with broken bones, dead oxen, and dysentery.  No one survives the trail unscathed.

The T-Wolf on the monitor is howling at a full moon with shocking similarity to the way Sarah howls at a very different, but equally majestic full moon that hangs above our mantle....

When a man looks at this, he sees a giant cherry on a spoon.  When a woman looks at this, she sees me lying in the spoon with a stream of hot fudge cascading down my perfect body.  And quite frankly, you women have incredible taste.

If you look closely, you can see that this wolf is made entirely out of recycled materials.  Pretty impressive!

After spending Thanksgiving in Minnesota, we decided to do Christmas in K.C. and New Year's in New England.  Being a cheap bastard in the year prior, I convinced Sarah to hold out until January to buy a Christmas tree so we could get one for 80% off when stores were dumping their excess supply.  And that folks is how you get a $400 tree for $80 dollars.  It was also during Christmas that I decided to supplement Josh's robe life, during which he regularly roamed around our house in a plush woman's robe, with a fake silk kimono.  I figured he could at least look elegant when displaying the lower two-thirds of his thighs.

After Christmas we flew to Sarah's parents in Connecticut so we could attend our friends' wedding (Congrats Jackie and Tyler!) and then braved a New England Patriots game on New Year's Eve.  Unfortunately for (Or maybe fortunately for) Sarah's mother, she was feeling under the weather and therefore could not be destroyed by it.  Sarah's dad, however,  got the pleasure of braving the coldest regular season game in Patriot's history with us.  Nothing beats a negative two degree day with gusty winds at Gillette Stadium.  

Thankfully the staff provided everyone with hand warmers as they entered, which I promptly shoved down my socks so I didn't lose a toe to frostbite.  Sarah's father and I proved men are the weaker sex, displaying a keen eagerness to leave the game at halftime to escape the cold.  Sarah showed no sympathy when telling us to man up, because we weren't leaving until the end of the third quarter at the earliest even though the score was 21-3.  At some point during that 15 minute quarter that seemed to last 3 hours, I questioned whether or not I should pee myself for the immediate warmth, knowing that it would eventually freeze and leave me even colder.  I'm not proud of what happened next...

Our only promise of warmth emanated from the stadium speakers, where the sound guy was sitting in a heated booth and blaring Beach Boys and songs about heat waves.  Meanwhile the hawkers were screaming out, "ICE COLD BEER!", as if that  somehow sounded appealing.  It was freezing, I was surrounded by Patriots fans, and I couldn't even drink because our beers froze within seconds of being poured.   It was one of the worst days of my life.  It was one of Sarah's best.  Why do these damn Patriots fans always come out on top?!?!!

First christmas in the house!!!  

Since Josh is our surrogate child, we let him pick out his stocking... And then Santa filled it with Batman underwear

This is the spot where I had to sit and listen to Sarah talk about how handsome Julian Edelman is.  Did I mention how terrible this day was?

Winter continued to be rough in Kansas City upon our return, with the coldest January on record in over 100 years.   See, some winds of winter exist (GoT nerds get it :))...   Sarah decided to rescue me from the cold and take me back to Mexico for my birthday.  Were her motives sincere?  Or did she just want to see my thirty year old skin dry out and wrinkle in the Mexican sun like some sort of disgusting raisin?  Obviously she was pleased I was getting to her age after I spent months mocking her for being in her thirties whilst I was still in my twenties.  And that's exactly why I couldn't trust her.

We started our journey by meeting my brother Bryn, as well as our friends Martha and Aaron in Mexico City and then made our way to Palenque, an ancient Mayan city in Chiapas, Mexico.  I'm proud to say that this time we made the next leg of our flight, unlike our failed attempt to go to Honduras!  One of my other fifty brothers, Josh, also decided to take time out of his incredibly packed schedule as an aimless drifter to meet us down there.  Between Bryn quitting his job to bum around Mexico for several months, me taking two years off work, and Josh not having a real job since Y2K, we Lowe bros have really shown this world how to just barely scrape by.  It's not easy being so damn ambitious.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to achieve so little?

In order to get to Palenque, we first had to fly into a town called Villahermosa and then drive a few hours.  We arrived pretty late, so we decided to stay in Villahermosa for the night before continuing our journey.  For a total of $20, we got a two bed apartment that slept all 6 of us, plus a driver that met us at the airport so we could follow him in our rental car.  For those of you that have never driven in Mexico, you probably have no idea how impossible it is to park a car, let alone an SUV.  We basically had to parallel park into a spot that was 4 inches longer than our vehicle.  And that spot was not between two cars, but between two buildings.  After several minutes of failed attempts, our Airbnb host decided to save us and somehow maneuvered into that spot like it was no big deal.  I don't even understand the science of how it was possible, but then again I'm Asian and therefore a terrible driver.

Upon leaving Villahermosa the next morning, we headed to our jungle-laden Airbnb, which was about halfway to Palenque.  Along the way, we stopped to meet the Airbnb host at a gas station so we could tail him to the villa since it's not exactly on google maps.  Eventually we turned off the highway for a little gravel travel, which eventually turned into stretches of road that were more pothole than road.  After passing through a few villages, we stopped at a small clearing and hopped into our hosts 4x4 pick up truck.  We then spent then next twenty minutes driving along a muddy, make shift road, stopping only to open barbwire gates to pass through.  But alas, we came upon another clearing and everything became very clear indeed.  Paradise was waiting.

I mean a birthday trip to hang out in a jungle paradise with private waterfalls and ancient ruins.  I pretty much have the worst girlfriend ever.  She like, doesn't even get me.

Do you know what to call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor....  Bahaha Laffy Taffy strikes again!!!

Sometimes I like to put on a little Ryan Cabrera and just watch the birds.  You know, just normal dude stuff.

Lean with it, rock with it, when we gonna stop with it? Lyrics that mean nothing, we were gifted with thought.  Is it time to move our feet to an introspective beat? It ain't the speakers that bombard, it's our hearts that make the beat.

As you can tell from the photos, it really wasn't that beautiful at all.  It was pretty much the worst Airbnb I've ever stayed at.  Like, we didn't even decide to just spend an entire day there without leaving cus it was so amazing.  I can't even describe to you how ridiculously awesome this place was.  We had private access to a multi-tiered waterfall where we could hang out in pools above the rapids.  We could take kayaks out into the river, ride horses for free, hike around the forest, chill out in hammocks and outdoor beds, or just drink beer and relax in the house.  Sarah literally thought she might cry because it was so beautiful.

The owner says the long term plan is to turn the property into a resort with the main house serving larger groups and smaller cabanas holding up to four people each.  Luckily we got in while it's still just a house along the river, because having everything to ourselves was amazing.  Having a location in the middle of nowhere also has one of my favorite perks in the world: A night sky free of light pollution.  There's nothing like staring into the sky that's actually full of stars.  It's crazy to think that while my goal of seven continents is ambitious now, someday people will try to get to multiple planets.  Who even knows what's in that crazy sky of ours.

We had stocked up on groceries before arriving, so we (Mostly Martha) were able to cook big group dinners, play card games, have a lot of laughs, and just enjoy life.  It was pretty much as perfect a place to hang out as you could ever ask for.  Aaron and Bryn were able to get some ridiculous drone footage over the waterfalls and I was able to bum Aaron's camera lens to take some photos of the night sky.  I don't know how they found this place, but I'm definitely grateful to have such awesome friends and family.  

I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway.  I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky.  I am not your blowing wind, I am the lightning.  I am not your autumn moon, I am the night. The night......

So many foreign worlds, so many to behold.  So many for us, so ready for us....

We eventually dragged ourselves away from our little slice of paradise to go visit the ancient Mayan ruins.  Bryn got the pleasure of driving the entire trip, which was a pretty terrible draw considering how bad the roads were, but we all appreciated it!!!!  The ruins in Palenque are quite interesting because they aren't fully excavated.  The central part of the historic city is easily accessible, but the majority of surrounding ruins are still buried in the jungle (Though some are visible along the many hiking trails).

We also got the pleasure of hearing the street peddlers blow into wooden jaguar heads that simulate the great cat's roar.  There's nothing like taking back to back international travels to the same country, so you can experience the same cheap souvenirs again!! RRRAAARRRR!  The true highlight of my journey, however, was finding the shrine of Lord Serpent Jaguar.  Can you imagine living in such a time when you could have addressed me as Lord Gorilla Puffin with a straight face?   After bumming around the ruins for a few hours, we made our move to get back to the Airbnb before nightfall, since driving on pot filled roads in the dark didn't sound appealing.

Windows to an ancient world

You know that house is haunted

If we're not too careful, maybe we can all get lost....

These monkeys own an entire forest.  I will spend years paying off my mortgage.  Which species is smarter again?

I think most individuals start to feel a little older once they turn thirty, but to be honest, I don't think that's a bad thing.  You're twenties are for screwing up and figuring out who you are, your thirties are for becoming an adult...and paying off all the debts you accrued in your twenties :).  Our next few adventures were domestic, with a visit from some English lads and a long weekend in Philly and DC.  There was also a misinterpretation of the word 'probably' that led to Sarah becoming pregnant, but that's a story for another blog....




Random GoPros

There's always a big church...

The people living here pump water from the river up to the houses for bathing.  Pretty crafty really.

Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die.  I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.  You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah. No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change.  Cus I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold.  But I'm a million different people from one day to the next. I can't change my mold, no no no no no.... 

Sarah and Sean's Sensational Stockpile of Snappy Snaps

There's a reason they call me the Asian Tom Selleck.  My mustache is so damn sexy.  I practically had to beat the ladies off with a stick.  

Ready. Steady. Yeti.

I told Sarah that if life is a spoon, I'm the cherry on top...Judging by her face I'm not sure she agrees.

The only two Patriots fans I was willing to tolerate...

It was so cold that color ceased to exist.

You can join the cowards all aboard the outrage train, yeah you can stay afraid...Or you can slit the throat of fear and be brave.  You can scratch that little itch, 'til you're moving like a mother fucker up in this bitch!

You should see life as a means to your triumph!

Or as a means to your napping....

Lowe Bros!  Damn those tall, handsome, muscular bastards. I'm the short, chubby one.  Those jerks took all the Schwarzenegger genes and left me with only the DeVito remnants.

But at the same time, I think it's pretty clear I've mastered the art of seduction...

Don't need no five star reservations, I got spaghetti and a cheap bottle of wine.  Don't need no concert in the city, I got a stereo and the best of Patsy Cline. Ain't go no caviar, no Dom Perignon.  But as far as I can see, I got everything I want.  Cus I've got a roof over my head, the woman I love layin in my bed.  And it's alright, alright.  I've got shoes under my feet, forever in her eyes staring back at me.  And it's alright, alright. Cus I've got all I need and it's alright by me....

This tree legitimately looks like it has legs to walk...

I feel it all, I feel everything.  I felt afraid, but I fought the fear and trembling. Yeah I feel it all, I feel everything.  But I never looked back and now this fear... This fear is trembling!

Something tells me my 30s won't be so bad...

I will not play this out discretely, it is real and unashamed. I am human and I'm terrified, but want it all the same.  Cus I wanna overcome, yeah I want to love someone.  Yeah the heart, the heart, the heart, the heart is a muscle. AND I WANT TO MAKE IT STRONG! Cus the heart, the heart, the heart, the heart is a muscle.  I WANT TO MAKE IT STRONG!